Johnny Foreigner

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If you come from the blue areas you are a Johnny Foreigner.[1]

“In Soviet Russia, Johnny Foreigner is YOU!!!”

Johnny Foreigner
Johnny Foreigner

Johnny Foreigner is the arch nemesis of Xenophobe Warrior Princess. They have been fighting each other since time began in 1850. Johnny Foreigner cannot speak English very well, this angers Xenophobe Warrior Princess who refuses to learn any other language as "English is clearly the best" (The Unwritten Constitution of Great Britain, art. 2). Johnny Foreigner tends to be everywhere Xenophobe Warrior Princess wants to go on holiday. This is mainly because Xenophobe Warrior Princess's country is cold and wet, whereas Johnny Foreigner comes from a more tropical, and therefore stupidity-inducing, climate.

Johnny Foreigner invaded Poland in 1939, starting the Second World War. He did this because the Polish man took his towel off the sun lounger by the pool, which was totally unacceptable and "as everyone knows leaving your towel on a seat means you have reserved it". Johnny Foreigner was only defeated after five years of bloody war, thanks mostly to the stiff upper lip.

Johnny Foreigner went on to invade Vietnam, which caused a war between two different Johnny Foreigners, and Kuwait in which Johnny Foreigner wanted other Johnny Foreigner's oil but the big rich Johnny Foreigner wasn't having any of it so decided to help Kuwait. Big rich Johnny Foreigner is now Britain's ally in the persecution of Johnny Foreigner for not owning any Weapons of Mass Destruction.

What if I am Johnny Foreigner?[edit | edit source]

Being Johnny Foreigner is an incurable genetic disease. Fortunately, the charitable organisation Johnny Foreigner Reseach UK spends millions of pounds a year on the symptoms of being Johnny Foreigner and how to combat them.

The first step, after learning English, is to get a sense of humour. See Johnny Foreigner's Guide to British Humour.

How to deal with Johnny Foreigner[edit | edit source]

If you are not Johnny Foreigner, congratulations, you had better learn some tricks for dealing with Johnny Foreigner as there are a lot of them out there.

Don't worry its only a scouser, he is British although we might have hoped not

Identification[edit | edit source]

Johnny Foreigners come in many varieties and, as a general rule, they will be wearing a kind of clothing you would not dare to be seen in. They tend to travel in groups and speak in tongues. Be careful not to mistake Scousers for Johnny Foreigner: they are a bit strange but are still technically British.

Conversation[edit | edit source]

You will never need any language other than English; if Johnny Foreigner cannot understand you, try saying the same thing slower and louder until he understands. if all else fails, repeat the previous while including non-descript hand gestures. Try to be patient as Johnny Foreigner is not always that clever. Do not expect Johnny Foreigner to understand common courtesy or have any manners; it may shock you but most Johnny Foreigners are complete savages.

Johnny Foreigner has no concept of humour: he will not find you funny and when he tells a joke be prepared for the tumble weed.

Do not talk about the war, any war, as the chances are that Johnny will have lost in a war to you at some time. He may take this out on you personally. The best thing to do is to learn the song "Two World Wars and One World Cup" and sing it loudly.

Currency[edit | edit source]

Johnny Foreigner has only one currency, the well-known "Funny Money". Almost universally accepted, it has many guises but one common factor: it is not British.

Famous Quotations[edit | edit source]

"I hate Johnny Foreigner, he is so different from me"
- Xenophobe Warrior Princess on Johnny Foreigner

"I do not understand zis ting zat you are saying"
- Johnny Foreigner on conversation

"Meu nome não é Johnny"
- Jean Charles de Menezes, aka Johnny, local terrorist and Johnny Foreigner

"WHERE ... IS ... THE ... BUS ... STOP?"
- British People to Johnny Foreigner on how to get to the bus stop

“только оставьте меня в покое!”

~ Mikhail Maslyuk on Johnny Foreigner

“I don't know any foreigners called Johnny”

~ Some guy on Johnny Foreigner

Johnny Foreigner in computing[edit | edit source]

$ LANG=en_GB ls spong
ls: spong: No such file or directory
$ LANG=fr_GB ls spong

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. So Irish aren't foreigners? Well, all the Irish are over here, it's just an empty husk now, hence the greyness. We let them in, and they give us Guinness in exchange for McCain oven chips.

See also[edit | edit source]