|Motto: Pravda vítězí. (Truth prevails, and that's why we lose.)
|National Anthems: The Archer's March and
Kde je domov můj? (Dude, where's my car?)
|Czeckers and strange Czech
|Changes every 6 months, sometimes 7 months
|Kleptocracy, biggest non-governmental organization in Europe
|Every Czech person says that they hate this man, even though he's not the Prime minister anymore.
|An evil German: "We need more Czech beer!"
Czechia (also known as the Czech Republic, Czechoslovakia or Former Czechoslovak Republic of Czechia or less commonly Pepičky (as in neighbour Poland or Hungary)) is a country in Central Europe. The most important subject in Czechia was, is and always will be beer (). The annual consumption per capita in the Czechia is 156.9 Litres including toddlers, which is the highest in the world (and about two times as much as in the U.S.). The words "Pilsener" and "Budweiser" come from the Czech towns and major breweries Pilsen and Budweis. During most of its history, Czechia was enslaved by the nearby Germany, and Czechs were forced to brew for Germans. Today, Czechs are forced to brew for everyone. Many companies steal Czech trademarks and then become one of the biggest companies in the US, such as the American wannabe "Budweiser".
The capital is Prague, and according to most Praguers, it's also the capital of the universe. However, most of Czechs hate Prague and most of Praguers hate all Czechs outside of Prague. As a result, Prague is a de facto city-state inside the Czechia. Therefore, the tourists, that visit only Prague, learn nothing about Czechia. Most of Czechs will tell you that Prague is the concentration of the biggest crap from whole Czechia.
It's easy to tell if a person is Czech. If a man's last name ends in -na or a woman's last name ends in -ová, they are not Polish, Russian or Communist, and like beer, they are Czech. The reason the surnames end -na is, that most Czechs prefer to eat burgers while they work in their semi lowerclass standard bars and ginger bread stands.
The Czechs also have a serious hatred of vowels before and after the letter r.
History[edit | edit source]
Look out! Germans coming! Too late, already are here ...
Military history[edit | edit source]
Unlike the pathetic French, Czechs were always eager to fight for their freedom and democracy, despite the fact that they have always lost in the end. The average Czech is very proud of his nation's colossal losses, the most famous being the battle of Lipany and the battle of the losers (in this battle Czechs surprisingly lost).
They are however still considered better and worthy than Slovaks or Krauts.
First Republic (Czechoslovakia lasted for 74 years and there were four)[edit | edit source]
The First Czechoslovak Republic came into existence when some uppity Upper Austrian peasants invented a distinctive national costume and intelligible language for themselves and suddenly discovered a 300 year long history of oppression.
Unfortunately for these peasants all of the industry and land was held by hardworking former peasants (Austrians) who because they had been successful didn't see any need to fake a long history of oppression, wear silly clothes or speak an incomprehensible tongue of their own devising. Sadly for the so called "Czechs" (lazy peasants) the Austrians were ever so slightly in the majority. So the Czechs spread their communistical ideas to the lazy peasants of Upper Hungary, who they gave the name Slovaks and inducted into their strange cult of the silly clothes and incomprehensible language.
The Hungarians and Austrians watched all of this with amusement. Little did they know that it was all part of a clever plot ...
The National Plan and the Formation of the Castle Group[edit | edit source]
As has already been noted the Czechs are shit in a fight. However, they are clever enough to know how to exploit people. T.G. Masaryk, an upstart foundry worker and your typical Czech con man, was able to con his way into teaching Sociology at Prague University despite the fact he was functionally illiterate (OK, as it was sociology he was teaching maybe that wasn't that hard after all).
It was from this power base in a department with 3 students and a cleaner (who later formed the core of the Castle Group), that Masaryk plotted the freedom of the Czech people. His plan was beautifully simple. Just start a World War and charm the pants off a racist old, southern son of a bitch like Woodrow Wilson.
Now Woodrow Wilson and T.G. Masaryk both had rather a lot in common. Both of them were total frauds, who knew fuck all about the subjects they pretended to be knowledgeable on and were blessed with having a handy pool off dumb asses to draw upon who were actually intelligent but totally naive and unable to see the wood from the trees. Enter Benes and Kramar.
The Establishment of the Republic-Wilson's Kinky Cuffs[edit | edit source]
Whilst Wilson and Masaryk were consummating their relationship in the ruins of Vienna which had been flattened by armies of marauding Romanians and Moldovans, Benes and Kramar set about actually creating Czechoslovakia. It was now that the genius of Masaryk became clear to see. The Austrians and Hungarians in the new country complained that their rights would be abused (to which the Czechs said that no one could seriously call the removal of the tongue of any one who spoke a foreign language, the institution of a 100% Deutsch&Magyar Tax and the legal requirement that Germans and Hungarians spend a month every year cleaning the sewers of Bruno and being crash test dummies for Skoda abuse. Especially after 300 years of oppression and President Wilson's blessing *he didn't have much choice as Masaryk was refusing to let him out of the kinky cuffs until he agreed to sign the 'International Czechoslovak National Ownership of the German&Hungarian Slaves Decree*).
Corruption+Chaos=means No Local Hitler[edit | edit source]
Czechoslovakia did manage some notable achievements such as; destroying the Slovak economy and turning the country into a massive testing ground for Skoda and Bata Shoes, being so so corrupt that everyone was too busy fighting over each other to get at state funds to elect a fascist as dictator and having so many political parties that getting above 10% in an election was a real achievement.
That and being the most successful country in central/eastern Europe at that time-which really says a lot.
Munich Agreement[edit | edit source]
In 1938, Germany needed more space to commit genocidal acts in, and thus it turned its gaze to the Sudetenland of Czechoslovakia. A thin, utterly pointless strip of land covered in guano ginger people and cowpat, the Sudetenland was happily turned over to Germany. Germany then proceeded to take the rest of Czechoslovakia, pleading miscommunication. Great Britain and France decided to let this little error slip, but this would be the very last time. Of course, this title was also bestowed on the annexation of the Rhineland, Austria, Poland, Denmark, Norway, and finally France.
Velvet Revolution[edit | edit source]
In 1989, a bloody, drawn out civil war began. Its erroneous naming is a point of contention to this day, as war is anything but velvety. The destabilised nation of Czechoslovakia was torn in two along ethnic, religious, and political boundaries. Historians dispute the exact cause of the war, but many believe it may have begun when the government declared war on all Slovaks. The country renamed itself 'Czechia', and sought to wipe all the Slovaks off the face of the Earth. They succeeded only partially, even though lots of Slovaks today are VERY denial over it.
By 1990, Czech military poured into Slovakian territory, meeting little to no resistance from primarily uneducated and highly barbaric Slovaks. Fighting was relatively even through much of the war. In 1993, the leaders of Slovakia and Czechia met and signed a peace treaty, thus ending the hostilities. However, this was not before 30 million people, or approximately twice the combined population of the two countries, had died. It should also be noted that sanguine felts and linens were extensively used throughout the war, rolled into spheres and used as cannonballs when armaments were scarce.
What is Czech?[edit | edit source]
The term "czech" is used as a pretentious way to spell words like "check" or "cheque" and has precisely the same meaning. It can be assumed that anyone spelling the word this way is an obnoxious elitist asshole who deserves your contempt and, if possible, physical beatings.
Anyone trying to tell you it means anything other than what has been described here is a big liar and equally as deserving of your contempt and physical harm.
If you ever watch two snobby pricks playing chess you are bound to hear one of them announce when they have the other player in check, or "check, mate". While technically this term is spelled in the traditional fashion, you just know that in their heads they're spelling it "czech". Those assholes.
The Czech people are totally incapable of concocting their own national status or in fact thinking for themselves whatsoever. For this reason most people refer to Czechs as 'wannabe Poles' or, as the rappers like to call them, Woles or Wollacks.
Economics[edit | edit source]
The revolution provided a unique chance to test new economic theories. That led to massive redistribution of land and money from collective ownership to a more Western style, where only the selected few have lots. These efforts led the country to join organizations such as the EU, where this is being corrected by heavy taxation and redistribution of funds back to the poor by Paris-sympathizing ass-lickers.
Among businessmen, Czechia is mostly known for exporting got-rich-now-fugitive entrepreneurs, such as Viktor Kožený aka Shark from Prague or Radovan Krejčíř. The destination country for these exports is usually the Bahamas. If you know the right people, you can get a nice package. The favourite one is when police would arrest you but then they would give you your passport back and let you go. Photos are included; delivered via your local magazine subscriptions or your copy of Interpol arrest warrant. It is even possible to win a return flight back to Prague, if you are lucky. Contact your travel agent for further details.
More than 95% of Czech economy is based on fraud and stealing from each other. The Czech government was planning to create strong laws in 2006 to limit financial fraud. However, it was determined that this would lead to complete economic collapse. Only 5% of the economy (consisting of 2.8% escort services and 2.2% VIP escort services) would function after introduction of such laws, so nothing was done.
Exporting young porn stars, both male and female and both gay and straight is also a significant source of income (see Bartok twins).
Culture[edit | edit source]
Most Bohemians do not rock out, but instead enjoy listening to their own folk music, polka. When not listening to polka they spend time thinking how much they are better off they are, living in their homeland as opposed to the wasteland called Slovakia.
Education[edit | edit source]
Czech education is notable for its wide and various reforms. Unlike much of the world, Czech students are forced to walk to school in a procession. Like a bus, this procession arrives at the same time each day, and students join it eagerly. By the time a procession arrives at school, it usually has 300-600 people in it.
All students must wear their uniforms, which is generally perceived to keep their cultural identity strong. This, however, is a wide misconception, the uniforms are in fact not historically accurate at all, and are meant to be humiliating and dehumanizing, as they are very tight-fitting, and in some places, very sparse.
Czech education almost entirely focuses on learning the native language.
International School of Prague is the only one school in Czechia which still implements Communism. There used to be a British international school, but that one shut down in 2002, as a result of the record flood.
Czech Wiener Industry[edit | edit source]
After the Velvet Revolution, many of the country's best cooks had been killed. The Germans had surpassed the Czech Republic by cooking up some of the best bratwursts in the world. Czechia, being tired of not being in the limelight, decided to try and make an elongated meaty delicacy of their own. The result was called the wiener. The Czechs were very proud that they finally had their own food that was similar to the bratwurst, but it never was as popular as the German food in the global market. Thus, a bitter plot was planned. Hundreds of thousands of Czech butchers were to invade Germany and attempt to kill every German butcher in order to finally put a stop to the German Bratwurst machine. Unfortunately, this plan was purely insane and never put into action. To this day, the Wiener Industry remains number two in the world.
Girls[edit | edit source]
Czech girls are famous all over the world for their attractive looks, lack of personality, and devotion to anything money-related. However, a lot of them are actually gremlins in disguise. In a historical event, it is reported that the kid from the film Mask once walked into a bar in Prague, slapped down $100 on the table and ordered a drink. It is then reported that within seconds of this happening, he was mobbed by stunningly attractive girls who virtually tore him apart in their attempts to get him into bed, steal his money, then trick him into marrying them, at which point he would bring them to his country, whereupon they would ditch him for the nearest old guy on the verge of death, but who would leave a nice inheritance. There were no survivors.
[edit | edit source]
Czech (in the past also misspelled as Shakespeare) is also famous all over the world. Czechs brew so many varieties that not even they themselves know how many there actually are. Their isolation as a part of the communist empire led to maintaining of the quality, whereas foreign nations have adopted mass-production techniques and the quality of their product has deteriorated. Czechs have, however, managed to adopt similar techniques in a very surprising speed and most of the they produce now is absolute piss. Some breweries have actually given up to bother at all. They started to hire a lot of homeless people, who are paid for pissing into the bottles. Such beer is exported. In this, Czechs resemble the Irish brewers.
Statistics reveal that every citizen drinks 156.9 litrs of per year, including toddlers. This was obviously surprising and led to massive investigation by WHO into the practices of child nurturing. It was discovered that children are fed with , even at school. Czech diplomats have succeeded in avoiding any legal actions against the country by proving that many children were actually mature people of small growth. The immense consumption has turned the Czechs in simple creatures, feeling fully satisfied by simplistic restaurants and pubs where the wooden benches as a sitting accessory are a must.
The Czechs are reluctant to pay more than 25,-ČK (Czech Krowns, ~1 Euro) per and effectively and immediately avoid restaurants and pubs breaching this unwritten law, therefore leading to their bankrupt and an artificial fixation of price (therefore a bottle of water is more expensive than nowadays). The few places that dared doubling this artificial price limit, in order to offer their customers proper service and comfort, were publicly torched by an angry semi-drunk crowd that missed the "Noční linka" (cheap and unreliable transport service delivering the drunks to their households, established during the Austro-Hungarian empire as a solution to the high death-rate during the winter season). Similar riot is believed to be one of the biggest causes for the Velvet Revolution.
Customer Service[edit | edit source]
Cheque Republic is a long-standing uncontested winner of Worlds Worst Customer Service Award given by the Federal Association of Gastronomy Services (FAGS) because a government study once indicated that patients with clinically proven aversion to people could best be cured by working as waiters. This way, they would slowly get used to the hated object by facing it on a daily basis. Practice has proven the study wrong but the tradition continues because as all Checks excel at the national sport of screwing other people over, the restaurant owners don't pay these poor sorbs citing that they provide a healthcare service, and as customers are part of their treatment, the patients actually have to pay the restaurant a provision for each customer they serve. Obviously this doesn't help the already miserable motivation of these haiters and explains the "what the hell are you doing here, I wish you were dead" frowns on their faces when customers come in.
Over the years they have developed more or less successful tricks how to drive customers away and avoid having to pay the provision. First they ignore the customer for about 20 minutes, if that doesn't work, they will bring the menu and ask for an order right away, so unless the customer knows what he wants immediately, they can ignore him for another 20-30 minutes, and only the most persistent customers manage to actually order anything. Appetizers or soups are supposed to be eaten in 30 seconds and are brought exactly that long before the main dish, and complaining about food or not tipping at the end can lead to verbal abuse or even violent outbursts, after which the patient is sentenced to more years of waiter-therapy and the vicous circle continues.
Language[edit | edit source]
The Czech language Czeckers, also known as čeština, is one of the most interesting languages in Europe. 70% vowel-free, Czeckrs is one of the few languages of the world that are largely unpronounceable even by native speakers. One sound in particular, ř, depicted as an r with menacing eyebrows, can be pronounced only with the assistance of extensive tongue piercings. The first president of Czechia called for a ban on this sound, citing human rights concerns, but was accused of being a Slovak sympathizer and defenestrated from the highest building in Prague at 2 stories by an angry mob.
Czechia has long been one of the most vowel-impoverished countries in the world. Approximately ten million Czechs suffer from vowel deficiencies. The difficulty of pronouncing typical sentences such as "Strč prst skrz krk" ("Good morning") has caused the proliferation of jaw strain, tooth problems, insanity, and alcoholism in many Czechs. The roots of this problem go back for centuries; it seems that many years ago the Czech nation was robbed of their vowels by a combined force of Finns and Hawaiians. Czech diplomats are currently working to correct this ancient crime, and the first shipments of foreign vowels are due to arrive in the country shortly.
This extremely difficult language was developed in the late 8th century AD as a secret code (cipher) to confuse foreign troops passing by. No-one is able to speak it properly, and every foreigner who starts studying it suffers of headache and tongue-ache. The letter "Ř" is pretty special, and whoever can pronounce it, is considered to have Czech nationality. It is actually the only test they give you if you apply for Czech nationality – you get a sheet with a sequence of Ř-words, which are far worse than f-words or tooth in czeck, which you have to read and which sometimes form this sentence: "Tři tisíce tři sta třiatřicet stříbrných křepelek přeletělo přes tři tisíce tři sta třiatřicet stříbrných střech"; on the other hand, pronunciation of Czech "r" is much simpler and almost anybody can read "strč prst skrz krk".
As mentioned before, vowels are used very seldom in Czeckers; some examples of typical Czech vowel-less sentences are "smrž pln skvrn zvlhl z mlh", "plch zdrhl skrz drn, prv zhltl hrst zrn" or "Zmrd chrt pln skvrn vtrh skrz trs chrp v čtvrť Krč" ("Fucker greyhound full of spots invaded Krč quarter through a cluster of cornflowers").
A generally well known fact is, that the hottest candidate proposed for the election of the new Pope was Czech cardinal Miloslav Vlk (in English: Wolf), he failed to be elected by the College of Cardinals meeting in Conclave for the only one simple obstacle – nobody was able to pronounce his name. He also refused to change his name as many other popes do.
Czech people's famous crude and against-rules way of playing ice-hockey gave nicknames for violent strikes in the game, such as "body-Czechs", "cross-Czeching", "Czeching from behind" or the general "foreCzeching".
Neanderthal got a car (Driving habits)[edit | edit source]
Having no fear of the disastrously wrecked roads, the majority of Czechs drive. The vehicles serve as a perfect tool to vent daily frustrations and relieve suppressed aggression. Running over pedestrians is allowed and encouraged: it weeds out old and infirm and provides education in Darwinian selection for the kids. Anyone who manages to cross a road obtains a medal and is entitled for a series of sessions with a post-traumatic syndrome specialist.
In fact, only wealthy businessmen and aristocrats can afford automobiles in Czechia. Lower and middle class citizens commute to work on the backs of Ostriches (captured in nearby Austria) and sometimes Emu.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Czechislakizanistanivan is often geographically misplaced. This means that the people forgot where they put it. It use to be a part of the Galactic Empire and was under the control of Sauron but, he thought it was smelly and the stench was getting to his eyes so he thought it was best he put it somewhere else. It is now next to Africa, the Galapagos Islands and Santa's Toy Shop.
Czech population, still remembering how vast the area of their country was during the reign of the most popular Czech king – who in fact was German but according to current Czech law, lex specialis, that is declared to be a rumor – Charles IV, when Czech kingdom had access to the sea, they aspire to sea even today. Based on EU directive #4454654354434 about free access to the sea, Czech diplomats have initiated emergency EU convention meeting, when they were told sacrblé. In fact, the Czech proposition was modest, all they wanted was a 25 m wide strip of Spain. Currently, the proposition is being reworked, with the strip being situated in Italy. Italy is trying to figure out countermeasures, which could contain even donations of two pairs of fine Italian leather shoes for every Czech citizen. It is to be noted, that most Czechs do not wear any shoes and would not therefore know how to keep foot hygiene.
Czechia is a small country of little to no importance but it represents the major reason for termination of employments among news-writers working for CNN. Many of them placed the country to different world regions, such as Russia or Balkan with this crucial mistake being aired in big moments of history and therefore lessening their importance. CNN management is very sensitive when it comes to information correctness and employment termination was the only choice. For legal reasons, these terminations are being filmed. Some of them were later falsely attributed to Al-qaeda.
Comprehensive tourist guide[edit | edit source]
- Be careful when using public transportation. Only people who did not take a shower for more than 2 weeks and who are unaware of existence of anti-perspirants are allowed to use public transportation. However, if you plan to travel to Africa or some less developed Asian countries soon, daily use of public transportation is highly encouraged. After approx. 30 days of using subway and trams in Czechia, you will develop resistance to every disease known to human kind, including Kardashian fever and Ferengi tongue fungus.
- Also use extreme caution when driving. People in Czechia are very determined to kill themselves. The national favorite way to commit a suicide is to go up in flames on a road (or freeway, for owners of more expensive cars) by driving at least 200km/h during dense fog and rain while talking on cellular phone.
- Be wary of Czech road signs. The road signage was developed by Franz Kafka around 1910 and did not change since then. It is not unusual to see many different signs on a short stretch of road that completely contradict each other. For example: Mandatory right turn sign, followed by no right turn allowed sign, then followed by no left turn for owners of corn processing machines with exception of full moon periods, unless the owner of the corn processing machine is a convicted child molester who wrote books about magical realism in the past.
- Avoid windows. The locals are known for throwing people they don't like out of them, especially in the capital city of Prague. On the other hand during the Coronavirus outbreak in 2020 windows played a huge role in beer distrubuting system and were therefore recognized to be holy.
It is actually very easy for the tourists to communicate effectively with the natives.
- The most frequent Czech word is vole (next alternative is voe.The same pronunciation as the first part of English volatile). It is used at the start and the end of every sentence and to adress any person of male gender. In spoken language, it can be also used to express punctation. Never omit it; that would be a sign of disrespect. In some god forgotten areas of Czech lands, you can replace vole with pičo (read as peach-o; in the area most remote from Germany and therefore least opressed in the past, the pronunciation is like German "pütscho"), local people will appreciate it as a sign of cultural understanding. You can also use this word if you don't have anything to say, as it's very disrespectful and insulting to stay silent for more than 1 minute there.
When pronounced with a proper accent, the phrase Ty vole! can be used to express almost any emotion or feeling.
- Use Kde je tu nejbližší bordel? (the ya too nay-blee-shee bohr-dal) to ask for recommendation on which cultural landmark you should visit. Use Přines chlast a žrádlo! (přee-nas hlust ah shruddloh) when you wish to select from the rich choice of local cuisine. As the two sentences are unpronounceable by foreigners, write them down and show the paper. People will be always willing to help.
- Simple and useful Polib si! means thank you, can mean that you eagerly accept a task given to you by your superior.
- Don't forget to compliment on how lovely Eastern Europe is: Miluju tuhle východní Evropu! (mi-loo-yoo toohla vee-kho-dnyee e-phro-poo). Locals always know how to appreciate it.
- Remember: the word zloděj (zlo-dyay) means taxi driver in Czeckers.
- When stopped by local police, be very polite and use Co děláš, debile. (coh dyelush, dabeela) which means Here is my driver license
- Don't forget to be polite. When entering a room, a shop, a bar or a police station, smile, look around and say the universal Good day phrase in Czeckers: Zase se flákáte! (pronunciation: zah-seh seh phlah-kah-teh).
- Leaving a company, say: Naserte si všichni! (pronunciation: nah-seh-er-teh see fshee-khnee) .
- When you are introduced to a new person, shake hands saying: Smrdíš jako prase! (pronunciation: smer-deesh yah-koh prah-seh).
- If you ever encounter a situation in which you do not know how to operate, you may express your concerns by exclaiming Tak, a sem v píči! (tuck, uh Sam v peechy!). This is also polite to say when the answer is not known.
- The most important phrase in any country is, of course: My hovercraft is full of eels. So this is how it is in Czeckers: Mé vznášedlo je plné úhořů. (meh phznah-sha-dloh ye plna oohohřů)
Summary[edit | edit source]
See also[edit | edit source]
Europe[edit | edit source]