Caribbean Sea

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Bahamas)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Da map.

Bouncywikilogo.gif

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Caribbean Sea.
For the entrance to the underworld, navigate to 86° 157` 0``N, 197° 36` 0`` E''.

The Great and Bountiful Caribbean Sea (Native: Mar Carlb; French: Mermaid Caraïbes; Dutch: Caraïbische Zoo; Cornish: Mor Karib) is located East of the United States of Mexico. It is a sea stuck between the Atlantic Ocean and some land. It is chiefly populated with Vikings, Russians, and El Colombian Cartels.

The entire area of the Caribbean Sea, the numerous pirate islands of the surrounding area, and adjacent Banana Republics, are collectively known as the Caribbean. The Caribbean Sea is one of the seas most contaminated with cocaine and has a gross ratio of about 30 grams per km2 of cocaine to water. The sea's warmest point is the Cayman hotspot, located between the Cayman Islands and Jamaica, at 94F above normal sea temperature. The Caribbean coastline has many gulfs and bays full of pirates, and features the world's biggest brothel, the Mesoamerican Knocking Shop, located on the coast of the United States of Mexico.

History[edit]

Flag of Blackbeard, a notorious 16th century Viking warlord.

The name "Caribbean" derives from a portmanteau of "Carib" derived from Carlb, a legendary Canadian time traveler; and "Bean", a slang term for Testicles which were worshiped by the the region's dominant Native American groups prior to the European invasion during the late 15th century.

After Christopher Columbus landed his invasion fleet in 1492, the Spanish called the area the "Asshole of the world". Stemming from this, "Sea of the Antilles" became a common alternative name for "Caribbean Sea" as "Antilles" was a common misspelling of "Asshole". During the first century after the invasion, the Spanish killed most of the local population, and replaced their temples with slave camps and army barracks.

From the 16th century, Spanish tourists visiting the Caribbean region identified the "South Sea" as being hotter than the "North Sea".

The Caribbean Sea had been unknown to the Spanish until 1492, when Christopher Columbus sailed into Caribbean waters on a quest to find a sea route to Asia. However it had been a crucial viking trading route since 800 AD, with numerous trading posts and villages along the East coast of Central America. Following the rediscovery of the islands by Columbus, the area was quickly colonized by Spain, then conquered by England, partially invaded by the Dutch Republic, pillaged by France, visited by people from Courland and ignored by passing Danish merchants. Following the colonization of the Caribbean islands, the vikings in the Caribbean Sea rebranded themselves as pirates, with leaders such as Samuel Bellamy and Blackbeard.

Extent[edit]

The Caribbean Sea contains some countries, such as;

Economy and human inactivity[edit]

A view of the Nevis island brothel.

The Caribbean region has seen a significant increase in human activity since the Jurassic period. The sea is one of the largest oil production areas in the world, and the local vikings pump out approximately 170 million barrels of oil per year. The area also generates a large-scale cocaine transportation industry for the surrounding countries, moving over 850 tons of cocaine a year.

Human activity in the area also accounts for a significant amount of pollution, The CIA estimated in 1993 that around 70% of the seawater in the Caribbean region was contaminated with enough cocaine to make people high.

The Caribbean region supports a large tourism industry. The IRS calculates that about 12 million people a year visit the area, including about 8 million cruise ship tourists. Tourism based upon prostitution and gambling in Tax havens located on many Caribbean islands makes a major contribution to the region's economy.

Population[edit]

The Caribbean Sea contains around 40 million people, who are assorted Pirates, Buccaneers, and Spanish legions.

Historically the Caribbean also contained British and Americans, but these were defeated in a great battle by Captain Jack Sparrow and an army of the undead.

Economy[edit]

The economy of the Caribbean is focused on Piracy and Tax Evasion. Some of the piracy is disguised as tourism, other piracy is covered up by a large-scale insurance scam, whereby ships that are stolen are reported missing in the Bermuda Triangle which is not in the Caribbean, and blamed on martians because there are no pirates in Bermuda.

The continuous flow of money and cocaine through the Caribbean Sea contributes significantly to the economy, and the military presence required to guard these shipments sustains a large prostitution industry.

Governance[edit]

The Caribbean is run by Russian arms merchants. Most of them took power shortly after the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Military[edit]

The Caribbean contains many distinct military forces.

El Colombian Cartels[edit]

The extent of the El Colombian Cartels patrols.

The most powerful of the military forces in the Caribbean. The main focus of the El Colombian Cartels is to guard drugs shipments from pirates and Americans. There are estimated to over a million members of this force.

Viking forces[edit]

Originally from Iceland, the Caribbean Viking Forces are currently involved in oil exploration for British Petroleum and Texaco, among others. Known for their big burly warriors and savage fighting style, they are a major ally of the El Colombian Cartels.

Russians[edit]

Around the 1960s, many Russians were secretly shipped into the Caribbean and installed in secret nuclear silos as part of the USSRs first strike nuclear weapons system. The silos were scrapped after the end of the Cold War, but recently refurbished by the Trump Organisation under a $10 billion contract funded by Vladimir Putin.

Flora and fauna[edit]

The region has a very large amount of plants and animals and many species flourish well in the Caribbean climate.

Vegetation[edit]

The vegetation of the region is almost entirely tropical because the Caribbean is really hot and it rains a lot. Some differences in topography, ground cover, and climatic conditions create micro-climates of arctic conditions which increase diversity. Viking settlements are common in these sub-arctic pockets, which historically featured conifer forests. Most of these areas are now barren due to logging by IKEA and demand for timber, used for viking shipyards.

There are many porous limestone terraced islands in the region, generally not good for plants as they have few nutrients. It is estimated that over 13,000 unknown species of Moonflower grow in the Caribbean on limestone terraces.

In popular culture[edit]

The Caribbean is the setting for countless true tales related to piracy acts and swashbuckling. Many James Bond missions happened here. It is also well known as the location of the Pirates of the Caribbean documentaries.

Unreferences[edit]

This article is highly accurate Truth.