Puerto Rican Thanksgiving

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“Nuestra revolucion es una declaracion silverstre de independencia.”

~ William Butler Yeats on the shortcomings of the Franco-Persian general Vunderhaike Wunderfharsi at the diner table during the 100 year commemorative Puerto Rican Thanksgiving dinner
Pelé upon arriving to the shores of Puerto Rico carrying some rotten corn.

Puerto Rican Thanksgiving is a traditional island wide celebration with three main objectives. 1. To show gratefulness at the conclusion of the harsh Autumm. 2. Appease 11 gods and maintaining high morale among the masses (achieved through extensive domino playing). 3. To commemorate the second coming of Pelé.

The festivities include pig roasting, moonshine drinking (Pitorro), and several assorted carnival rides.

History[edit | edit source]

The arrival of Pele[edit | edit source]

In 1777, Pelé and seventeen or eighteen men from Venezuela mistakenly docked into the mild southern shores of Puerto Rico thinking they had reached Tanzania. This led to the misnomer of the natives (Tainos). Pelé brought a variety of items with him which did nothing to improve the increasing tensions between the long standing monarchy and the young popular socialist group that existed in the island.

Among these items were: Pele's Hair, an English Tea Party set, Diego Maradona, Cocaine, his Bauru AC scarf, a strangely large odd looking 'Turkey', a 'futbol', and a grapefruit.

The Stand[edit | edit source]

As fate would have it, the aforementioned giant turkey wasn't actually a Turkey (genus Meleagris ), but rather a small, unusually hairy pimp from a neighboring island, who was widely know as El Pavo. El Pavo means turkey in Spanish which bred confusion as to what exactly Pelé brought with him. After arriving with at Puerto Rico with his mentor Pelé, El Pavo saw great potential in the island calling it "The Island Paradise". He eagerly developed plans and activities geared towards improving the relations between the dominating gubernatorial factions present in the island at that time. He found the source for the main argument and rivalry between east and west (whether the island should be officially called "Puerto Rico" or "Borinquen") to be "silly and stupid" and openly called the argument a "prime example of Poppycock".

Origins of El Pavo[edit | edit source]

El Pavo (b. Itza Been Pharaoh Venezuela) was born in the fictitious island of Galliformes but was raised by his Grandmother's wolf in... Venezuela (hence the surname). The substandard living conditions were amplified by the disintegrating economy of the country following the Greek invasion of 1750. The Greek leaders were quoted as saying "We thought the Trojan horse shenanigan was hi-la-rious".

As a child, Itza Been had a variety of learning disabilities, trouble remembering people's names was just one of them; in addition, he was hairier than James Howlett (aka Logan, aka Weapon X, aka Wolverine). Yet somehow, he was wildly popular with the ladies, who he always referred to as Pavas due to his inability for name recall. The term is still widely used around the island of Venezuela mainly by comedic troupes and/or government officials.

Puerto Rican Thanksgiving rituals[edit | edit source]

  1. Acquire a small cabin/townhouse deep in the secluded mountains of Puerto Rico (or anywhere really).
  2. Invite 4 (or 40)(or 400) friends.
  3. Build a sweat lodge (very optional)
  4. Cook a pig.
  5. Eat and Dance a little.
  6. Play dominos.