Heresy

The atypical heretic being an atypical troublemaker.

The truth hurts. When you tell the truth to a weak individual, you may make that individual cry. This is called a "rude awakening". When you tell the truth to a large, powerful segment of society, they will tar and feather you and run you out of town. If this happens to you, congratulations! You have just committed heresy.

Heretics

“Heretics are a necessary evil! Without them we'd be at the bottom of the food-chain and locusts would be at the top.”

– Oscar Wilde on Heretics

A heretic is a type of fire burning accelerant, used to help fuel large bonfires. Someone who defies fake authority and has their own opinions, a heretic is an individual who was once a member of any small village and considered part of some family until the reign of wannabe royalty bursts onto the scene and forfeits everything said individual has made bonds with. A Cassandra or a girl of some kind who looks better under the neon lights, strobe lights or flashy anvil logos and banners and is quickly done away with so as to not upset the Pope, Roman deities, Politicians, Woo-Hoos, and Christianthony.

Heretics are lit. And they get electrocuted often.

Some rules of the Heretic includes:

• Be fashionably late - it takes away from dazzling entrance of big woo-hoo.
• Pay no attention to loud sounds emitting from leaders who have something very, very important to say - like how important everything they think, say or imagine, really must be.
• Defy the odds. Even if it means cheating at cards.
• Be aware of your surroundings. Take off at the first sign of hostility from those who are so much more important than you in any small village.
• Be aware that there will always be hostility in a small village - that is why they never grow. They keep killing everyone who is fashionably late.
• Be aware that there will always be hostility in big cities because that's where muggers live. They always target the Heretics.
• Have sex with a lover of your choice.
• Don't believe in any of those pointless Gods.

History

Around 9,000 years ago, give or take a few weeks, a small individual emerged from the caverns and eventually clubbed the dominate male caveman with his own club. The rest of the cave clan then made her an outcast and also snubbed the gay caveman for making lewd gestures with the same club to the cave populace. Though he wasn't entirely outcast, he became a Heretic that was mocked by the neandrathals and enduring the role of Hermatic. Thus was born the Heretic (Upstart or Gay Troublemaker) in a variety of pastels and patterns. Not all Heretics are Upstarts. Some just stand out and are targeted because they are simply better than cavemen.

In Ancient Times, a Greek fleet of ships sailed across the Panama Canal to deliver a giant donkey to the Trojan City with which they had been at war with for ten long years, and a few weeks, give or take. The prophetess Cassandra was subjected to much awful treatment and was named a Heretic - for no good reason other than she made asses out of everybody including the obvious one of all...the donkey.

In the 1400s, a French girl with a code name of Joan d'Arc witnessed strange alien beings wearing cloaks of invisibility that entrusted to her Top Secret information and some microfilm. This ordeal eventually lead to her being put to death, for being a Heretic. Also put to death for cross-dressing.

In 1782, the Pope announced that God had spoken to him in a vision. In the vision, God was eating cake, his favorite food. Heretics went on a cake killing spree. Cake killing has been a heretic tradition ever since.

In recent times, all Heretics are opposed to those who would vow to stomp on their civil rights and freedom. They are also opposed to the French in general and are made, against their wills, to ward off locusts.

Examples

The examples below are just a brief outline of heresy in standard form. It is not a whole picture of heresy, by far. There are multiple heresies that cover a plethora of different cultures, personas, legends, figures of authority, and the usual suspects. There are also a number of esoteric heresies that involve human experiences, skills, trade secrets, and cooking.

Ancient Heresies

• The Pope doesn't really even have a political position, who is he to tell us what to do?
• The Earth is round.
• Man evolved from monkeys
• It is morally unacceptable to kill others because of their religion.
• Pork: the other white meat.
• The discovery that roast baby tastes good on sandwiches
• Neo isn't the one.

Welcome to Mind Head. Welcome to Mind Head. Welcome to Mind Head. Welcome to Mind Head.

Modern Heresies

• The Earth is flat.
• Man evolved from monkeys.
• Knights of the Old Republic 2 was much more well designed than the first, and the storyline flowed a lot better.
• Michael Bolton is a talented, non-ass-clown.
• Starbucks is not the only place in the world that you can buy coffee. There are many other coffee shops that are just as good, if not better.
• Star Wars Episode I was better than Episode V, and Episode III bested the entire original trilogy.
• The 3 Matrix movies followed each other up precisely and made perfectly good sense.
• Halo will not bring about the Great Journey, but destroy all sentient life in the Universe.
• It is perfectly acceptable to put Ocean's 13 directly before Ocean's 11.
• A suicide bomber blowing up Mecca. Note: Still debatable on whether Heresy was involved due to the question if the terrorist went after non believers.
• You must never show it to the Laker Girls.

Localized Heresy

Some heresies are considered as such only within certain groups. Such ideas might be accepted in some circles in the larger society, but prohibited only within aforementioned groups.

• Republicans: We could balance the budget by raising taxes. Also, it might not be a good idea to let dangerous or mentally unstable people own guns.
• Democrats: Maybe these people don't need a special program/law. Also, maybe this institution doesn't need reform.
• Libertarians: Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are probably not the best choices for representing us.
• Radical Leftists: We might get more sympathy from the general public if we stopped harassing all religious people and gun owners.
• Tea Party: We don't have to call Obama a terrorist, radical, or Muslim; lets just try some constructive criticism.
• Rebel Alliance: There sure was a lot less crime when Palpatine was Emperor.
• Dorothy: There are other places just as good as home, if not better.

Punishments

Being plugged into a silent movie was a contrasting and muted punishment.

Punishments for heresy have varied throughout history. Ancient examples included a plague of frogs. Wait, no, that was for slavery. Ancient examples of punishment for heresy included getting an onerous set of new laws written in stone tablets. No, shoot, that one was for idol worship. Dagnabbit, I'm sure this used to be punished.

In the Middle Ages, heresy was punished by torturing someone until they admitted to being a heretic. They were then promptly burned at the stake.

In the modern United States, heresy can be punished by getting invited to speak at the Democratic National Convention or by being forced to watch CNN or MSNBC.

In England, if convicted of heresy, you have tea at 3:00 and they are burned alive at the stake, which is ironic, because in England, one can become a heretic by having tea at 2:30. Also all Catholics are considered heretics in England, thanks to King Henry the VIII.

In the realm of the Imperium of Man in the 41st Millenium, heresy is punishable through blamming with an explosive round to the head. Those who survive are then subjected to flamethrower, mortar or tank bombing.

Management in the future

Heresy is a serious problem in our society, and needs to be stopped cold. It is the opinion of this author that heresy should be punished severely, and that the ancient methods of punishment (frogs, floods, having spouses turned into pillars of salt, etc.) should be brought back into use for such a purpose. God is the only one who can administer most of these punishments, however, and frankly, He's been dropping the ball lately. On top of that, no matter what the heretics were up to, God lost interest in any of their shenanigans. His loyal priests had taken heed that heretics were becoming more and more out of control. To get God's attention to remedy this terrible turn of events, they began rounding up all heretics of the land. They would have been successful in reclaiming their power had they not been deported by ICE.

Famous Poems of the Heretic

A heretic during a full moon. A very cold and pissed off full moon.

Once upon a time, there lived a King who got killed
Then a werewolf, whereby, therefore abided the forest rules
The trees would surely be toast had there been a full moon
And at village idiots, did the bellydancers toss their shoes—A Herectic from the WhirlyWoods.

There wil be a great thunder when a king is killed
Werewolves, Frenchmen, full moons
A wizard will rip out of a tower when Lune flits by, Dumbass! --Nostradamus

When the king was killed in 300 A.D. we sat under the stars
A Frenchman knocked over some trees and the planes of France being roasted is nigh
Wolves have nested in the trees and they came from Mars
By this time in the next 1700 years, rockets will fly high—Nostradamus after having his grave robbed.

Note: Just an example of poetry as recited at the time of a few heretics who were either stoned, plastered, or dead.

See also

• Cynical Heretic
• Are you a heretic
• Cake Killers