Wikipedia vandal

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The Wikipedia vandal is a creature that roams Wikiland and Wikipedia. Though its name sounds like it is related to the Uncyclopedia Vandal, it is in fact more related to the Grue, Oscar Wilde, and Yo Momma.

Wikipedia vandal
Scientific classification
Binomial name
Homo Vulgaris
Crocker, 2002
Primary armamentNonsense cannon
Secondary armamentPage-move devastator
Power supplyIdiocy
Weight30 megabytes
Length200 px
Special attackWheels sign "Page Move Vandalism"
Conservation status
Critically Endangered

Origin[edit | edit source]

The Vandal is thought to have evolved from the dinosaurs. Although this theory has been widely contested, the amount of times wikipedophiles say they have a "bird brain," and birds having evolved from dinosaurs, we can safely assume that this is the case with Vandals. In any case, Colin Mochrie under the guise of God bestowed upon them semi-devastating attacks, which coupled with an extremely rapid breeding rate due to their attractiveness and sheer dumb luck, allowed them to come out of their herbivorous roots.

Biology[edit | edit source]

Vandals are invisible, but lose this invisibility where they are feeding (now termed "vandalizing"), attacking, or possessing other Wikipedians.

Although their ancestors were forum-eaters, Vandals are known to subsist on Wikipedia articles. They are also bloodsuckers, and if under dire constraints, will attempt to feed on Wikipedians. As a result, weapons such as the block, deletion, Twinkle, and popups have been developed, all of which managed to repel the vandal for a short time. Vandals are considered pests, and as such, a massive eradication campaign has been called for, leading to their critically endangered status. The Vandal has the ability to possess other people, leading to numerous exorcisms, some of which have resulted in bloody deaths.

Vandals generally reproduce by binary fission, but may also do so by masturbation, mitosis, intercourse, meiosis, releasing spores, or doing other lewd sexual acts. Recent Vandal strains have reproduced by liquefying into a puddle and turning into multiple people, as well as dying and creating flowers which quickly grew into new vandals.

Although Vandals eat, reproduce, and store information, they are doubted to actually be living since they have no heart yet a massive brain. This structure allows for highly successful Vandal survival at the expense of everyone around them, since they can't be killed. Wikipedophiles still have not figured this out.

Classification[edit | edit source]

Many pains have been taken to classify the different types of Vandals, and most have been categorized, but there is still more to discover. Here are some classifications:

  • Babblers (Homo Vulgaris gibberishshshshshshsh) are a subspecies of Vandal that cannot speak coherently. Their vandalism consists of catchphrases like "qweruytoyiuqyrwitasgk" or "asdfghjkjhgaweiu19347," and are only intelligible among their own. They are thought to be trying to add useful information to pages, but merely can't speak English, so many consider them to be false Vandals.
  • Curious Georges (Homo Vulgaris Testus) is a subspecies of Vandal that are very curious to see how things work. They are very naïve and seek to know how Wiki-things work. They are the least harmful and may be purified. Examples include "TESTING TESTING" or "Does this really work?" Much like Babblers, they are considered to be at least trying to help, making them false Vandals.
  • Classic Vandals (Homo Vulgaris Classicus) are a species of Vandals that insert random information into pages. These Vandals are very good at hiding, and as such were the first Vandal to ever appear and the biggest for a long time. However, anti-vandal measures eventually evolved to the point in which these Vandals slowly died out.
  • Macrophalli (Homo Vulgaris Biggus Dickus) is a subspecies characterized by their lengthy, unproportionally large penis. Unfortunately, this equipment makes them very slow and cumbersome. It has the ability to regenerate, as St. Jimbo found in an attempt to castrate one. They spend most of their day floating in the ocean on a banana or a [[phallus|ridiculous inflatable swan thing] while vandalizing Wikipedia. The infamous Willy on Wheels was once one of these before evolving into his own subspecies.
  • Friends (Homo Vulgaris Gayus) are another subspecies and are wide-ranging. They often vandalize articles adding information about their friends, who are one or more of the following: gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, black, fat, poor, deformed or otherwise ugly, promiscuous, mentally retarded, Citizendium or Uncyclopedia editors, people with small penises, losers, nerds, geeks, peoples with no life, savants, female dogs, and donkeys. It is notable that this subspecies is exclusively white, heterosexual, smart, and none of the list above. They never vandalize adding information about themselves being the following. Some see these as false Vandals due to their sheer stupidity compared to other Vandals and the fact that much of the information added is positive, although not many people do.
  • Celeb stalkers (Homo Vulgaris Stalkus) is a subspecies who claim to have seen celebrities do odd/queer acts. They hide in bedroom closets, and are responsible for most celebrity deaths.
  • Aspirers (Homo Vulgaris Aspirus) is a subspecies who want to be famous, but because of some handicap, can't. They have no life and are considered to be nonliving and harmless. They're considered false Vandals due to them attempting to provide useful contributions... somehow.
  • Threateners (Homo Vulgaris Deus) is a subspecies that threaten articles or Wikipedians with death or legal threats. The latter is usually the more dangerous, as lawyers are considered to be even more deadly than the Vandals themselves. These vandals are commonly found on the other side of the world, although American ones are rare but extremely dangerous. Death threats are extremely effective, and have killed over half of the Wikipedia staff.
  • Willy on Wheels (Homo Vulgaris Wheelus) is a new subspecies that vandalizes pages by adding "ON WHEELS!" to the end of them. Despite the repetative nature of their vandalism, wikipedophiles fail to stop them. They have been vandalizing Wikipedia consistently since 2004, and have moved on to other targets. Nowadays, most of these Vandals milk lolcows for 2 ounces of lulz, although some are still found vandalizing Wikipedia.

Behavior[edit | edit source]

Every individual Wikipedia vandal has different behaviour. These include, but are most certainly not limited to, people who have nothing better to do but endlessly smash their keyboard until the subject article is beyond its visual appearance of what it once was, angry people who target the subject hated article usually with a page wipe, and many others. These people are commonly immortal and enlightened, and have just run out of other things to do with their time.