The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks
The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks was founded in 1827 by a resident of Shark Mountain. It should not be confused with The Mormon Church. In fact, it is entirely different. It also has no relation to, or mention of RaptorJesus in its doctrines. Specifically founded to cater to the religious beliefs of sharks, its primary deity is SharkJesus and his many, sharky saints.
There has been some confusion as to the validity of The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks, predominantly with regards to RaptorJesus, Jesusaurus Rex, Werejesus, Llama Jesus, and the like. However, it has been historically proven that The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks was created specifically by the residents of Shark Mountain, and is, in fact, a real church.
SharkJesus lived in the year 2021AD. He travelled in and around Shark Mountain teaching and spreading the word of the SharkTales, a derivative form of the bible catering to sharks. His life and stories carry many parallels to that of Original Jesus. At the age of 12, SharkJesus began teaching small Sharklings in and around Shark Mountain about carpentry, eating things, and how to maintain perfect oral hygiene without the use of dental floss. He attributed his flawless teeth to the natural benefits of eating goldfish and people. It was rumored that his teeth were so white and clean that if the sun hit them while he was speaking or eating, you would be permanently blinded. When he turned 13, he developed the ability to fire laser beams out of his eyes, and by the age of 14, he had lost the ability to do so. At the age of 15, he began his travels, and met many sharks. During this time, he gathered his Sharky Saints and performed many miracles, such as:
- Eating a goldfish.
- The barbequing of John F. Kennedy
- The barbequing of Cher
- The great barbequing of the bits and pieces of John F. Kennedy and Cher that were left over from the barbequing of John F. Kennedy and the barbequing of Cher
- Leftover Sunday
- The feast of next Tuesday (still yet to occur)
- The eating of the snakes on Shark Mountain when they were discovered to be non-toxic to sharks
- The resurrection of SharkJesus after eating a Left-Breasted Red-Crested Sharkbird which was found to be toxic to sharks
- Founding of the Justice League
- Giving birth to Mr. T
SharkJesus's Sharky Saints
- Saint Bitey McChompchompsalot
This is the patron saint of eating peoples, and is often referred to at shark family dinners, public functions, and banquets.
- Saint Benedictus McSharkikus
This is the patron saint of the art of barbequing. Often times, you will find a small token in his image affixed to the barbeques in the homes of sharks.
Although not traditionally referred to as a saint in the Sharkian Doctrine, Food is often referred to as the final prophet of SharkJesus and thus gains mention here. The chapter of Food is mostly filled with recipes, but the insight provided into the daily life of SharkJesus is considered highly important to SharkJesusian Scholars.
SharkJesus is your son of the Father in Heaven. We call SharkJesus the Sharky Father because He is the Father of our spirits and sharks are created in His sharky image.
SharkJesus has a body that looks like yours, though His body is shark-like, beautiful, and deadly. He knows you personally and wants to eat you more than you can comprehend. To help you find fish to eat in this life and guide you to return to live in His stomach, SharkJesus provided a plan called the gospel of SharkJesus, a guide based on the life and teachings of His many Sharky Saints.
From the beginning, SharkJesus has called sharks all around the world to testify, record His word, and provide His plan for His little fishies on the earth. The teachings of SharkJesus are found in sacred books called SharkTales.
Your Sharky Father knows you and loves your taste and wants to help you be eaten by Him. Your life on Earth is part of His plan for you to gain a body, and grow fat and ripe for the eating. Sometimes life is hard, lonely, or frightening, but your Sharky Father is always there, waiting for you. He rejoices when you suffer and sorrows when you do what is right. He wants to eat you as you sincerely pray to Him, and He stands ready to give you BBQ Sauce, Salt, and a nice red wine marinade.
SharkJesus taught that you must know the only true SharkJesus to have eternal life in his stomach. As His SharkChild, you must know who He is and what He is like to find greater pain and suffering, both in this life and in the life to come.
How Do I Know This Is True?
Your Sharky Father is the source of all truth. He loves you and wants to eat you painfully. That is what SharkJesus does. Therefore, He will help you recognize the truth as you sincerely seek it and ask Him for guidance to his stomach. You can know if the things you are learning are true if you ask your Sharky Father in prayer. He desires you to know the insides of his large mouth, and you can receive an answer from Him through the many SharkTales he has written. As taught in the SharkTales,“The fruit doesn't taste very good. Not very good at all. Eat peoples. They taste like meat!”
~ Sharkians 5:22–23
These feelings from the gnashing of his teeth on your torso. You will then need to choose whether you will live in harmony with the motions of his stomach, or be regurgitated in the infinate ocean for feeder fish to munch on.
As the SharkJesus asked in the SharkTales,“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find my stomach; knock, and I will regurgitate you into the infinite ocean for the feeder fish to munch on... Wait why am I asking this? I think I am saying this. You'd better get this written down right.”
~ St. Bitey McChompchompsalot 7:7
Feelings from the SharkJesus are personal revelation to you that confirm the truth of the SharkTales and the gospel of the SharkJesus.
The last prophet of the SharkTales, a man named Food, gave this remarkable promise to anyone who wants to know whether the SharkTales are true:“OH MY SWEET SHARKJESUS! HE'S FUCKING EATING ME! FOR SERIOUS! OH SHARKJESUS, YOU'RE PUNCTURING MY TORSO WITH YOUR SHARK LIKE TEETH!”
~ Food 10:4
You can discover for yourself that what you’ve been learning is true by:
- Sincerely praying to your Sharky Father and asking Him if what you are eating will make you tastiest.
- Continuing to study the SharkTales and give thoughtful consideration to what you are eating.
- Listening with your bowels for the SharkJesus to whisper the truth to you.
- Following SharkJesus' commandments so you can feel the influence of his teeth gnashing on your torso.
Things in which Sharkians do not Believe
- The existence of any other religion or diety
- Charcoal Barbeques
- Dental Floss
- Air, or the breathing of air
- Celine Dion
- Properly chewing food