Wheel of Deities

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“Come on, space goat!”

~ Tom Cruise on Scientology

What with hundreds of religions out there, and some of them having hundreds, thousands, even millions of gods, it's natural to be confused when you're looking for one to pray to or make a sacrifice to. What's a modern, cute, tiny man to do? So we've provided below a Wheel of Deities for your convenient god-choosing needs.

Unfortunately, once having tried spinning the wheel, and missing it entirely, you must solve an ancient riddle.

How Can I Use The Wheel of Deities?[edit | edit source]

  • The easiest way is to simply use "eeny-meeny-miney-mo". However, according to the Comprehensive Statistical Analysis of Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Mo performed in 1995, this method will choose the same god 99.99999% of the time. The methods below are recommended instead.
  • Print it out and hang it on your wall; then, throw a dart at it with closed eyes. Which god did you pick? What's that, you say? You picked the wall? Pray to the god in the wall, then! See how it works?
  • Use the Wheel as a schematic for a full-size, rotating version, make a pointer that points at a particular place on the Wheel, and give it a spin! Where did the pointer pick? Really?! You're going to Tahiti!

I've Found My God For Today. What Should I Do Next?[edit | edit source]

  • Say an introductory prayer, just to say hi to Him/Her/It.
  • Ask for a sign that it/she/he's the real thing.
  • Build an altar. Offer something in exchange for your desired gift.
    • Food. Leave the basket.
    • Blood. Remember to use clean cutlery.
    • Your soul. Or the neighbor's.
      • Prostrate before the altar.
      • Better yet, on the altar.
    • Your firstborn. Or a neighbor's.

Frequently Prayed Questions[edit | edit source]

  • What if I'm an atheist?
    • Use Whiteout™ to blank out the names on the Wheel (note: print first). Then pick your blank spot for the day. Then do nothing.
  • I was an atheist, but now I have cancer and I'm thinking this god thing might be worth a try.
    • In answer to your non-question, you can still pick a god, but you might want to try one of the merciful Christian ones. Anubis, for instance, might consume your soul out of vengeance if you call on him now. And it always helps to say you're really really sorry.
  • My food offering is getting moldy and starting to smell. I don't think my god has touched it.
    • Clearly the god of your choice has rejected your offer. Consider his dietary preferences: Is he vegetarian? Is he a blood-eater? Or does he only eat souls? Remember, some gods will only take fresh souls, so you have to kill your offering on the altar. Trust me, they can smell store-bought beef a mile away.

Also Pray To[edit | edit source]

See also[edit | edit source]