Totally Torah: Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers.
“The Holy Bible: more than just a mediocre Manic Street Preachers album, it seems ”
“The best three for one offer since My Father, Myself and My Holy Ghost”
Exodus[edit | edit source]
• Israelites take leisurely Egyptian break despite incomplete pyramid resort.
• Pharaoh adopts strict one-child-policy.
• Dingo-abducted baby mysteriously found in River Nile.
• Moses shoots passer-by in mall-rampage.
• Hides out at desert safe-house.
• Crack-binge causes hallucinations of burning bushes and land flowing with milk and honey.
• Pharaoh rejects unionised labour on new pyramid project.
• Moses becomes shop-steward, begins campaign of direct action.
• Union-violence condemned following death of Egyptian first-born.
• Israelites flee.
• Egyptian army fail to learn lessons from life-guard training.
• Israelites enjoy protracted team-building exercise in Sinai Desert.
• God gives Israelites deeds to Canaan along with 10-point instruction manual.
• Israelites take unhealthy interest in Livestock.
• Angry God placated with ornate gift box in which to keep His handicrafts.
Leviticus.[edit | edit source]
• Protracted negotiations on lease of Canaan.
• Aaron and sons anointed priests. Sons die after playing with matches.
• Don’t eat pigs; oysters dodgy; best avoid vultures.
• No incest, not even between steprelatives, and, at all costs, NO being gay!!!!
Numbers[edit | edit source]
• Israelites back out of attack on Canaanites, opting for a forty year camping trip in Sinai.
• Bored, angry God sends plague, seems surprised when people lose faith.
• Moses’ conjuring tricks distract the unfaithful.
• Conquest of Canaan proves to be little more than talking out of Balaam's ass.
• Local hookers induce Israelite men into playing Baal.
• Coup d'etat places Joshua at head of military junta.
Bonus Track.[edit | edit source]
Deuteronomy Doo-wop.