Theist

The theist

The theist is a man, woman or, in rare cases, mole person, who have discovered the secret to life, the universe and everything.

They use this knowledge to get promotions at work, heal themselves, and generally be dicks to everyone else.

It is a known truth that the spirits of theists will enter paradise when they die. There are many different kinds of theists who all hate each other, so presumably paradise has some form of segregation system enforced by Ghost Busters.

Theists on: Theism

Powers

The theists have a host of special powers which allow them to rise above the status of mere mortal. Some of these include:

Ear flaps

Little is known about the anatomical features of the theist. However, it has been scientifically proven that all true theists have tiny ear flaps that cover the ear drum and protect them from the negative comments of others.

Sometimes these flaps develop later in life, often at times of crisis or depression, but most theist are born with them.

When activated, the theists become instantly impervious to logic, rebounding even the most persuasive rational argument with ease.

This is similar to certain anatomical features of the atheist that serve a similar purpose, namely the big head and swollen ego.

A non-believer spontaneously combusting after mocking a priest

Guiding voices

When confronted with problems, theists often hear the voice of an omnipotent being/s telling them what to do and "showing them the way".

In other circles these people are called shamans, mediums or BAT-SHIT CRAZY. This is based on the principle that millions of people doing the same thing cannot possibly be wrong.

Surprisingly, this is also the reason the AIDS virus has become so popular in certain countries.

Miracles

Possibly the most powerful ability of all, miracles allow theists to get anything, anywhere, any time they want. Examples of miracles:

• The virgin mary statue crying real tears was witnessed by millions from around the world. The statue is now being put to good use supplying third world countries with desperately needed water.

• Crop circles are widely believed to be the hunting grounds of anal probes. However, their primary function is to be used as a social networking site for benevolent deities.

Before the time of www.twitmyface.com gods had to have a place to let off steam and argue with each other.

Jesus "disgusting" proclaims toast prank victim

• Trees, rocks and other natural wonders are often found to be in shapes of bowing or worshiping. Religious writing has also been discovered on items. This is obvious proof that each deity has their own tag with which to vandalise the local area and instil faith to their follower's whilst warning other gods off their turf.

Kind off like a dog pissing on a tree. Even gods have a sense of humour though, a common famous trick played by MCJesus278 is to squash his face against pieces of toast, leaving a disgusting sweaty imprint for the victim to find. Another trick is to get a single beam of heavenly light to shine straight into someone's face, usualy while they're playing golf or driving.

Origin stories

At the time of creation there was a "snake-fad" sweeping across the heavens, the result being that snakes were the only animals able to land major creation-story roles.

Christianity

And lo, a chick was created from Adam's rib and adam proclaimed "Ow, you pulled out my f*cking rib. What an asshole!"

And they God sent an sms message to his homies stating "LMAO! Dis guys so pissd I totaly puled his rib owt, lolz wat a doosh"

From this rib grew Eve who was beatiful and later went on to earn a regular spot in "ZOO" magazine.

Adam and Eve were happy beyond measure to be in God's Eden project, lands end, england.

Then a terrible disaster befell them! Eve met a snake devil who had presumably sneaked into the garden whilst God was on the crapper or something.

The talking snake told her to eat an apple from a magical tree which would make her knowledge unlimited, and not just Steven Hawkins unlimited. I'm talking internet unlimited.

She gave into temptation and ate an apple then used her EVIL FEMALE WAYS to trick her husband Adam into eating one as well. God came back and got mad (because women weren't allowed knowledge in those days).

He kicked them out of the garden to suffer torments on Earth and said they could only return if they believed in him.

Which let's face it wasn't asking too much since he'd just evicted them from their perfect home.

I'm just saying he's not the kind of guy you forget in hurry.

The rest is a little hazy but apparently they went on to have lots of children who must have commited incest and then the rest of the human race was born.

Oh yeah and black people were turned black for not believing in God... I bet that showed them.

A viscious theist activist and leader of many radical military movements

Islam

Basically the same as Chrisitanity but with more angels involved in the proccess. Islam are currently in the proccess of suing Christianity for plagerising their idea.

Judaism

Again you get the basic "god created the world in 7 days and then created man and woman". Apparently Gods weren't exactly brimming with creativity at the time...

Hinduism

In the beginning there was a sea of nothing, lapping against the shore of night. It was really really dark and there was absolutely nothing in the vast expanse of nothingness. Except a snake. Which was curled around this guy called vishnu who had so many arms and faces he was a kind of siamese octoplet. Then the nothing started to shake for no apparent reason and the snake and vishnu woke up and Vishnu looked at the snake and said "ARGH! what the hell did i do last night?!" And then his friend, Brahma, decided to turn up and Vishnu was like "create the earth, I'm gonna go take five". The friend was in a flower and floated around then got bored and did some stuff and then he created the earth out of a petal and also created heaven and hell. Even though Heaven already kind of existed.

Buddhism

A bit of a break from the traditional creation story. Buddhists believe creation is continually happening all around us balanced out with destruction. Instead of god they have !!!COSMIC JUSTICE!!! or Karma to give it its Buddhist name. !!!COSMIC JUSTICE!!! is the ultimate force of balance in the universe, if you shit on the earth !!!COSMIC JUSTICE!!! will shit on you. For example, Dr. Frankenstein meddled in unholy research and his punishment was to be destroyed by his own creation. In 1945 America unleashed a nuke on Hiroshima, in 2000 they were given George Bush as a supreme ruler, which just shows that what goes around, comes around.