Damnation

Damnation is punishment leveled by God against those who have defied his will. It is a first tier divine retribution classified in severity below smiting, and above flagellation. Mortals often invoke God's power by 'damning' their enemies, sometimes going to far, invoking his wrath by name- "Get out of your goddamn bed, and go to school!" Once damned you will be ordered to report to Hell at your earliest convenience.

And you thought shopping for school clothes was bad when you were alive...

Who Qualifies?

Pertaining to other people

Any person who contains a soul, and a sound mind who rejects the complete authority of Jesus. You are not subject to damning if you were born prior to 32 BC, were born between 32 BC and 1 AD and lived outside the areas of Judea, Galilee, Bethlehem, Syria, Persia, or New Mormania. If you were born in Egypt on the night of the tenth plague, before dusk in a house marked with lamb’s blood you are ineligible for damning. However if you were born after dusk, or before dawn, whether the house be marked or unmarked you are eligible for damnation. Those born with “the mark” (which takes the form of a small round dot on your skin-also called a "freckle") are considered ineligible for damning unless they break one of the six covenants of Christ or say the word "it" twice in a year as outlined in the supplemental Bible (see Dead Sea Scrolls). If your name is Socrates, Aristotle, or Plato you are very eligible for damnation.

Pertaining to you

You won’t need your clothes where you're going.

If your name is not written in a fancy book at the entrance to Heaven, you will need to report to Purgatory to check your damnation status. A CR-18B Form must be completed. In triplicate, if any appeal to your damnation status is to be filed, no exceptions! Further, a CI-434 form must be filed to choose the final destination you wish to end at, and a CT-564 must be completed, in triplicate, and filed with the Soul Resources department. If you have a soul a UT-54, IT-435, and HE-11 form must be completed and filed with both Heaven and Hell if you wish to keep your soul. The entire process may take up to 300 years, depending on your circumstances, and also requires that pleas be submitted to both God and the Devil. Response times vary. Alternatively, if you have been damned and do not wish to appeal the decision you needn't fill out any forms as they will be completed and filed for you, but may take up to a week to complete. In the meantime you can relax and enjoy Purgatory's lavish 5-star Hotel, Casino, Spa, 36 Hole Golf Course, and much more! All expenses paid. If you wish to speed up the damnation process, a simple HLL-666 form must be completed. Or if you wish to return back to earth, you must complete a PN-14 form to go back to earth, undamned, or complete a TyX-23 form to go back to earth to start your life completely over. You will have a different body, and your parents will be chosen randomly. Nothing, except your soul, will be the same if you choose to complete and submit a TyX-23 form. Both of these forms require you to pay $800, and get approval by God himself. If he's not available, you can also ask Jesus, or the Holy Spirit.

An enlarged example of a chain letter.

So You've Been Damned, Now What?

If you’ve expired before and not during judgment day you qualify for a one time exemption from an eternity in Hell. This exemption must be filed NO LATER than seven business days from the last separation of sheep and goats. After this separation, and before the opening of the great books, those guilty of venial sins must submit or check the status of any outstanding CR-18B forms if they wish to be eligible for redemption.

Facts

Some believe that forwarding stupid chain letters signed "Jesus" will save them from damnation. Because of their blasphemy, when aforementioned "bozos" are immediately damned. Also, the very worst of the worst are forced to participate in long-winded and drawn out seminars on sexual harassment, led by a woman with breasts the size of watermelons.

Divine Retribution

Damnation · Flagellation · Flood · Death of Your First Born · Frogs · Pestilence · Global Panic · Testicular torsion
Fire and Brimstone · Famine · Cancer · Papercuts of Doom · Damaged goods · Sudden Death · Reaganomics
Spontaneous Combustion · Decapitation Disease · Marriage · Melenoma · Meteors · Pedicornwallification