Bible Adventures

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“These games are pure blasphemy, I seriously hate them!”

~ God on Bible Games
The opening page of the Bible Adventures.

Bible Adventures is the animated video version of the international bestseller The Bible. It is a legal requirement of the Roman bureaucratic system that all books must be produced in large print, brail, all foreign languages, audio cassette form and video game form. Bible Adventures, also known as the Good Video Game, presents the delightful stories of the Bible in a form that is easier for Baptist Pastors to use to brainwash children.

Bible Adventures sets out to present events in the Bible like a woman being turned to salt due to the fact she looked over her shoulder and girls raping their drunken father in way that children can relate to. The first chapter in the Good Video Game is the story of Noah’s Ark. Video game programmers have to be very creative when transforming this story into a form appropriate for children.

Noah's Ark[edit | edit source]

Don't fuck with Noah.

The story of Noah was originally part of a RPG game published by Babylonian Video Games Inc called The Epic of Gilgamesh. The company became bankrupt in 3987 BC and was purchased by Wisdom Tree so they could produce the video game instead.

In Noah's Ark, you play the part of Noah hunting down and subduing unwilling animals, usually by smashing a vegetable over their head. The purpose of this is to acquire two “examples” of each animal; one male, one female. The producers of the video decided not to explain the significance of this arrangement. Apparently glorifying the greatest act of genocide of life on Earth in front of kindergarten children is OK, but explaining the act of sexual intercourse to them isn’t.

The flip side of this is that if you explain the significance of the arrangement to young children they might ask the question: “how can all the billions of animals and plants that exist on the planet Earth today come from one family and only one pair of each animal 9000 years ago?” Children still developing their critical faculties must be kept from asking questions on matters of faith; that’s why it’s faith! By the time they do realize the significance of this arrangement, i.e. when they’re in their teens, their religion will be drilled so deeply into their heads that they will no longer be capable of questioning the story.

If you try to kill Noah he will rip your balls off, i am not kidding i tried. This epic story is here described as it was written 1,000 years ago by the Great Angry Video Game God. Why is the cartridge blue? Because all official Nintendo games are baby blue and all the pirated copies are Grey. The Nintendo was designed in Japan by Catholic Priests, who wanted a fast way to tell Bible stories to the kids Sunday mornings, after accidentally being shipped to the States in it's red and white design (famacom?) game companies used it to design pirate games such as Super Merio Brothers. So the only 'official' games on Nintendo are Bible Stories and Super Noah's Ark 3D on the Super Nintendo. Plans are in progress to release the complete uncut and uncensored version of the Bible on the Wii.

Sodom and Gomorrah blaster and Fred Phelps[edit | edit source]

An example of a typical “wicked man” from Sodom, also known as a fruit. He was one of the men that surrounded Lot’s house.

This is, in effect, Noah’s Ark minus the water. Again, God decided to kill millions of people but spare one family as a sign of his hospitality. The family in question was that of Abraham’s nephew Lot. The video starts with an illustration of two male angels descending down upon the house of Lot, based in Sodom. Lot tells the angels to enter his house and sit down for some sushi and an espresso. The angels told Lot that he and his family must leave the city because God was launching a thermonuclear weapon tipped IGBM (InterGalactic Ballistic Missile) to destroy the city of Sodom.

Lot, his family and the angels had packed up and were ready to leave when a gang of men surrounded the house. They originally intended to steal Lot’s television set, but, to literally “sex things up”, they decided that they wanted to have sex with the angels instead (Genesis 19: 5). It isn’t well documented how human man can copulate with divine angels.

Sodom was a notorious homophobic, but also a vehement supporter of the sexual abuse of children. This resulted in the following compromise; if you’ll excuse the unfortunate phrasing: Lot decided to hand over his two young daughters to the crowd so the men could partake in an act of gang rape. Of his daughters. With his endorsement. His two daughters had the added advantage of both being virgins too. Since all the guys where going to give them a seeing to, only two men would have the honor of raping a young girl with her virginity intact. God decided that this was inappropriate because there wouldn’t be enough people left to leave the city (a minimum of five was needed. With both of Lot’s daughters gone that would leave him, his wife and the two angels - one less than is necessary) Instead of letting Lot’s two daughters be raped, humiliated, tortured, dehumanized and then probably killed, God decided to blind all the men instead. (Genesis 19: 7, 19: 8)

God was a little upset later that he spared the girls lives because he realized it would be fun to watch an innocent girl be raped and murdered. God found a good opportunity to do this in the Book of Judges. In chapter 19 a pimp was traveling across Gibeah with his personal bitch and pimpmohourse. One night they decided to stay at an old man’s house. There was no reason to do this, they just did.

God is not very imaginative so he couldn’t think of an original way to allow this girl to be raped. His solution was to give the old gang their vision back and send them across to the house. Unfortunately this man only had one daughter. Due to a navigational error God accidentally sent the pimp to the wrong house. The obvious solution was to hand over the pimp’s bitch to the gang too. The two of them were chucked out to the gang so they could finally carry out the act of gang rape and murder that God longed to see (Judges 19: 25, 19:26)

Getting back to story of Sodom now. After the men around the house had become blind Lot and his companions had no obstacles and left immediately. The restrictions on the number of people traveling wasn’t at least five, it was exactly five. To counter this problem God turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt under the pretext of “she looked over her shoulder”. The angels took Lot and his daughter to a cave in Afghanistan to live with Osama Bin Laden in his gay nightclub cave. In the year 2001 BC the members of the club were forced to leave due to a large series of strikes upon the land by the Mirkins. The only people left in the cave where Lot and his two daughters.

Keeping in mind that this is the most righteous family Sodom has to offer it seems as though the family could be called, at the very least, dysfunctional. Lot’s daughters, looking for revenge against their father for his act of handing them over to a gang of men to be raped, decided they would get their righteous father drunk and rape him and see how he liked it. Over the next two nights, with Lot drunk on both occasions, both Lot’s daughters had it away with their father and they both impregnated. (Genesis 19:31 – 19:36)

Moses’ early years[edit | edit source]

A baby Moses being thrown into a river. Luckily, in Bible Adventures there is a limitless supply of baby Moses’ and it doesn’t even matter if he survives by the end of the level! You can even throw him at animals and he just smiles at you!

Moses was born in age of excitement and enlightenment. Well actually he was born into a time when most Hebrews were slaves and baby boys were being killed en masse. Moses mother had to dump him into a river on a specially designed buoyant wicker basket. He floated along the river and, by pure chance, was picked up by the Pharaoh’s Daughter who, by pure chance, employed Moses’ Sister to take care of him.

Moses’ late years[edit | edit source]

In his later years Moses functioned as God’s on Earth enforcer. God, like such figures as Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Saddam Hussein encouraged a personality cult by having images of himself plastered all over the place. It was Moses’ job to make sure nobody dared worship any other God. An example of his work is carefully detailed in Exodus chapter 32.

At the time Moses was on top of Olympus Mons, the largest mountain in the Solar System. While at the top he was discussing with God the layout of the constitution of his new country. This was going to be recorded on a series of 10 stone plates. Unfortunately, while Moses was on Mars, Aaron was on Earth trying to get people to worship a holy calf to whom they would give blunt offerings of children to. The people in Moses’ country on Earth were keen on this and so gave all of their bling to Aaron so he could manufacture a gold calf for them to worship. (Exodus 32: 1)

Even though Moses was on Mars he wasted no time getting back down to see to the people. Even though Moses already knew what had happened, when he saw it with his own eyes his was so shocked that he dropped all the blocks that made up the country’s constitution. As revenge for daring to worship a gold calf, God ordered that the calf should be ground down to a powder, mixed with water and forced into every person in the town using a colonic irrigation. There was no point in doing this though because God decided it would just be better to kill them. The result was 3000 deaths due to manufacturing a gold calf.

In chapter 25 of the book of Numbers God’s arch enemy Baal was trying to get people to worship him by giving them prostitute tokens. These were only legal tender on certain street corners but the people were very appreciative and spent no time switching over to worship him. God was pretty pissed off and hired his personal goon Moses to decapitate a few hundred people and stick their heads upon poles in the city.

A few weeks after this God told Moses he was still angry and wanted to see some action. He said he wanted to see an act of genocide. The nearest suitable people were the Midianites. Moses was too lazy to do it himself so he sent his army to do his, or more precisely God’s, dirty work for him. It took one week for Moses’ army to complete their task. An angry God rang up Moses soon after and told him that Moses’ soldiers had only killed the Midianite men and had spared all the women and children. Moses promised to order his troops to kill all the women and children but God was so angry now that this wasn’t nearly good enough.

God decided that he would do what he did last time: he would order the gang rape of innocent girls. This time there was many thousand to choose from so Moses told his soldiers to kill all the boys and older women, but, to keep alive “all the women children that have not known a man by lying with him” for themselves. (Numbers 31: 18)

David and Goliath[edit | edit source]

Main article: Boss Fight
David carrying a sheep bomb.

David Lee Roth vs Goliath was perhaps the most unfair and one sided fight in all the bible. On one hand you had David; small, nimble and armed with a long-range precision assault weapon and with a "kick-ass deity" (Deutronomy chIII vIV) on his side. Facing him was brave Goliath. With no technology to aid him other than the edge of his sword he bravely came forward to meet his doom. Ne'er did he flinch at the certain death facing him as the rock sped towards his for'ead. But he died nonetheless, a rock buried deep within his skull.

EA are currently in discussions with God about making a sequel to David and Goliath named David vs. Jesus. It will use the classic Donkey Kong engine, involving Jesus standing on a cloud throwing sheep down hills. Alan Moore has expressed his interest in the voice talent role of Jesus. There have also been rumours of a spin-off movie and graphic novel, should EA win the rights to make the game.

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