UnTweets:Noah
Name: Noah
Location: The Holy Land
Bio: Righteous dude, favourite of the youthfully wrathful God, Jahweh.
Following 12 previous generations.
Followers The rest of humanity.
Woohoo! Yay! It’s my birthday. Never gonna see four hundred and ninety nine again!
3:34pm March 22nd, 1558 AC (After Creation) from City of Ur
Get this, Mrs Noah is in calf again at 450! The neighbours are saying it’s a miracle. How about my miraculous input? She lost her looks at 25
3:45pm March 28th, 1558 AC from web
Did some more preaching in town. Hooligans chucked shit at me again. I hope the fuckers all die!
4:00pm April 22nd, 1558 AC from web
Bloody kids broke the window playing football! You’d think they’d grow up by 90! They’ve gotta leave home soon – that’ll be a sweet day.
8:33am March 23rd, 1658 AC from web
Sometimes I wonder why I’m still the only one following God’s laws. Everyone else gets drunkenness and fornication – I get four hours of daily prayer and circumcision.
4:00pm March 22d, 1658 AC from web
God spoke to me last night – that or Mrs N’s put the wrong kind of mushroom in the casserole again. Wants me to build a giant park!
9:11am March 24th, 1658 AC from web
Ark! I gotta build a 300 cubit Ark! You get kind of deaf past 500. I’d get my ears syringed but then I’d hear all that long-hair music Japheth listens to.
7:42am May 30th, 1658 AC from web
What is an Ark?
8:00am May 30th, 1658 AC from web
Turns out 300 cubits is nearly a 160 metres in proper money! Who does He think I am? He created the whole universe in an afternoon, why not do it Himself?
12:32am May 31st , 1658 AC from web
Okay, so get this – it’s a boat made of gophers. Just as well gophers breed like rabbits.
8:55am April 1st, 1658 AC from web
Seven of every clean animal we’re saving, apparently. Why 7? Seems the spare is for snacking on.
11:24pm April 5th, 1658 AC from web
We have to save two of every unclean animal too. They’re going at the far end of the boat, I tell you.
9:01pm April 5th, 1658 AC from web
Far be it from me to criticise God but, if you want a 300 cubit yacht building and enough food collecting for a whole zoo for a year, why ask a 600 year old man?
12:32am August 6th, 1658 AC from web
Nearly finished the boat! Talk about a titanic undertaking. We’re gonna have to find a suitable name for it.
9:31am 32am January 21st 1659 AC from web
Ham & Shem want to call it “Endeavour". I voted for “The Revenge”. Mrs N put her foot down. We’re calling it “The Saucy Sue”.
10:32am January 21st 1659 AC from web
Balls, now God’s claiming he said to build it from “Gopher ‘’Wood’.’” How many horny gophers is that gonna take?
8:32am January 22nd 1659 AC from web
We gotta start again. Apparently Gopher wood comes from trees. Who knew?!!!?
10:12am January 22nd 1659 AC from web
Weather’s turned overnight. It’s shitting down out there.
8:33am April 2nd 1708 AC from web
There’s like a million critters out there lining-up in front of the Saucy Sue. It’s all I can do to stop them eating each other and we’re ankle-deep in turd already.
8:40am April 4th 1708 AC from web
Finally finished loading. Had a bit of a panic about the woodworm and the death-watch beetles. God suggested keeping them in jars – thinking like that is why He’s a deity.
8:59am April 6th 1708 AC from web
Rain, rain, bloody rain! There’ll be no strawberries this year the rate it’s going
9:31am April 8th, 1708 AC from web
Would you believe it – the Saucy Sue floats! The neighbours are looking sick, I tell you!
9:00am April 17th, 1708 AC from web
Just floated passed the town hall. Roof covered with people. My turn to throw shit now and we’ve got tons of it already.
9:01am May 4th, 1708 AC from web
It’s still raining! There’s a line between being a rightfully wrathful God and just showing off if you ask me
11:21pm May 7th, 1708 AC from web
If I ever have to shovel elephant shit again …..
11:25pm May 9th, 1708 AC from web
If He doesn’t stop with the fucking rain soon I swear I’ll drown myself! Where’s He getting all the water from anyway?
11:25pm May 10th, 1708 AC from web
God says he’d let us out earlier but he’s punishing us for not loading the dinosaurs.
9:15am May 8th, 1708 AC from web
Bugger me, the sun came out. And what did Mrs N say? Mind you don’t get burned!
2:00pm May 10th, 1708 AC from web
Just floating and shovelling. Floating and shovelling.
10:00pm June 22nd, 1708 AC from web
Ham thinks we should try to catch two of every fish to bring on board. Sometimes I wonder if that boy’s mine at all.
10:24pm June 28th, 1708 AC from web
Just how dead does God need those dead guys to be before He lets us go home.
8:00pm July 2nd, 1708 AC from web
Still floating.
9:00am July 22nd, 1708 AC from web
Surely we could have brought one species of mammal, one type of reptile etc. Then maybe God could invent some sort of process where they slowly evolved into all the other species He wants around the place.
10:00am August 9th, 1708 AC from web
Next time I take a cruise I’m going First Class, this sucks.
8:00pm September 2nd, 1708 AC from web
The water level’s sinking, I think. God knows where it’s all going though.
9:01pm September 7th, 1708 AC from web
Accidentally trod on one half of the long-nosed beetle population. Think it was a dung beetle, they’re the only ones enjoying this trip.
8:14am October 3rd, 160CCC AC from web
Ham says the water’s falling off the edge of the Earth. Apparently he thinks it’s flat. I knew I’d regret dropping him on his head as a baby
12:32am October 29th, 1708 AC from web
Got away with wiping out the future of the long-nosed beetle as a species. God doesn’t seem to have noticed. No one can see everything, I guess.
10:00am November 2nd, 1708AC from web
We hit a fucking mountain. There’s a whole planet full of water, we’re God’s chosen people and we hit a fucking mountain.
8:00pm November 3rd, 1708 AC from web
I let one of the ravens go. I figure it could use the exercise and when it comes back with mud on its feet I’ll know we’re nearly safe to leave.
7:30pm December 15th, 1708 AC from web
It fucked off.
8:00pm December 22nd, 1708 AC from web
I let a dove go. They’re stupider than ravens, they always come home.
9:00pm December 22nd, 1708 AC from web
If it doesn’t come back soon I’m getting Mrs N to make a pie from the spare.
10:00pm December 24th, 1708 AC from web
It brought an olive leaf – looks fresh too. Might have brought some olives - a year with no veg has played Hell with my bowels.
10:00pm December 30th, 1708 AC from web
We’re running short of food and we already ate most of the “non-essential” critters. Shame about the unicorn, it was kinda cute.
11:00pm January 2nd, 1709 AC from web
God says we can disembark. About time too it stinks in here.
10:33pm January 30th, 1709 AC from web
Hey, we’re in Turkey. I always wanted to go to Turkey. I'm off to town to find a kebab shop and a titty bar.
9:00pm February 5th, 1709 AC from web
