Sporkism

Sporkism is the vastly complex belief that the spork is the ultimate utensil and all others are heathens. Here is some background information to help start your conversion. Jesus likes sporks

There are two accepted theories of the creation of the spork, both of which are considered true until God bothers to tell us what really happened, which is probably completely different and maybe involved knives or something:

The Creation Theory

Cletus the slack-jawed yokel (Made famous by his majestic role in the comedy tv show "The Simpsons") Was digging for dirt on his dirt farm. When suddenly, he came across a chest emblazing the crest of Captain Jack Sparrow. In this chest contained the fabled spork of yore. The chest also contain insructions on how to wield this fabled power. It said... "Place in right hand and scoop or stab the desired target. N.B stabbing or eating humans is generally frowned upon in most modern societies"

From then on sporks appeared in several major religions, such as beezlebeefians and star trek followers. An essential item in battles, warrior and such used them to gouge and attack others.

Evolution

The spork first existed on earth when a bunch of Communist Uber-Nazi Capitalists farted on a cheesecake. According to ASDHSADGSDAGDSGSEDGDSHSDH law, that was illegal at the time, so they placed it in Nevada and practiced aiming with their automatic nuclear missile machine gun. The spork was sent flying 39,000 feet up into the air and took down a military spy plane, and landed on a boat and reproduced with an Irish potato immigrating to Mexico.

Why Sporks Are So Great

They allow you to eat soodles with minimal utensil changeover time Their curved shape and pointed tips make them the perfect weapon for which to gouge out an aopponents eye

The Baptismal Ceremony of the Spork

Though all sporks have a certain cherishable quality to them, after baptism, a spork is truly a prominent entity, deserved of infinite respect. The ceremony does not require any particular setting, and only requires one prop: a glass of a supremely rated carbonated liquid known as Dr. Pepper. The ceremony entails dipping the spork in the Dr. Pepper and letting the fluid drain through the prongs while reciting the ancient ritual verse: "Ko-man-bow-ee-shee-nee orchie-livo-tangerinie oo-ee-mo-zoo-ie dunk." (emphasis on "dunk").

Treatment of Sporks

Sporks are delicate items, and so the baptized spork must be treated with care. Sporks should never touch the ground, or likewise be placed in a situation of danger or filth. If for some reason they do get dirty, a proper washing ceremony should be conducted within a week of the tainting. Washing should be done in a carbonated drink of some type, preferably Dr. Pepper, but not necessarily. Mountain Dew, Coca-Cola, or even (gasp) Mellow Yellow will suffice. The spork should be dipped head first into the liquid, twisted 180 degrees thrice, and then removed and dipped into water.

Burial of a Broken Spork

If a spork is damaged, it should be given a proper burial. One must return to the site of acquisition of the spork and complete the ceremony. Pour vinegar oil all across the spork, making certain that the entire spork is covered with oil. Quickly, as soon as the drenching is completed, the spork must be buried and covered next to the foundation of the establishment of aquisition. No ceremonial verses are necessary, as it tends to be an emotional time for those involved. In cases when money is running short, other methods can be nuking or burning at the stake.

Sacrifices and stuff (also popularly known as things)

If the Spork of Truth ( the main Spork god) is angry with you and your family you must perform a sacrifice to appease Her. First you must find an important place to perform it. Usually at your nearest Spork temple or a place equally of high religious value and importance. You must have the ritual drink, Lemonade at hand. First drink the lemonade while chanting the holy verse: Holy-Via may-a-ek-eka-ah-commo-cotteeen-a-oh-my-nah-olie-olie-e-k-ooo-poo--ooo-poo. Once at the holy temple of Sporks sacrifice the best Meatloaf (or any leftovers you have at hand,for example old meat that has fuzzy mold growing on it( preferably green-grey fuzzy) Doing so you will appease the gods. And your mom. But definitely not the Pope John The 3rd. Cause he is against everything that is against Catholicism.

Places

There are two places you can go once you have passed on in life:

The Cupboard

The cupboard is a Spork Utopia where you are reunited with your sparks that have moved on with life. It is a beautiful cafeteria like place all of elegant wood and there are no evil utensils such as forks or knives or spoons about.

The Kitchen

This is hell. You are surrounded by the heathen untensils that poke you and you bleed peanutbutter. It's extremely painful so you must be a good Sporkian follower.

The Spork song

Verse1

What's better than a fork ?

(Shout) Spork ! Spork !

What can you use on a cork ?

(Shout) Spork ! Spork !

What's better than ham and helps eat from a can ?

Chorus Spork, Spork, Spork !!!!

Spork is a spoon, with part of a fork.

But it's neither a spoon, not even a fork

it's a spork ! it's a spork ! it's a spork !

Verse2

What's better than pork ?

(Shout) Spork ! Spork !

What's better than zork?

(Shout) Spork ! Spork !

What's better than spam and better than jam ?

Repeat chorus

ALL HAIL SPORKS

Famous Sporkism Cults Worldwide

One of the most famous Sporkism Cults is in Surrey. More than 50 people have joined, and it's still expanding. P'haps even to Kent. It is by some wonderful miracle that sporks are available in most school canteens. For free. So upon joining Surrey's Sporkism cult, you receive a free spork. And a cookie. A nice warm one, that you used to get when you were a child that come hot out of the oven. Ok. Maybe you didn't have these cookies. But you probably didn't have a tamagotchi either. Poor, deprived child. And you also get given a badge that says 'I've joined.'

See also

President of Sporkdom

• Spork
• Dr. Wilhelm "Goose-Step Mama" von Spork