Church of the facts of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples

Saint Jobs and his believers.

The Church of the facts of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples is a religious organization founded by Steve Jobs. It promotes the adoration and unconditional glorification to the divinity (Steve), his company (Apple Computer), the Macintosh computers (manufactured by Apple) and software of these computers. The followers believers of this sect religion are usually called Mcquers, or also Mcfans, Mcadddicts...

The believers

Like other sects religions, there are diverse fanaticism implication grades in their followers. In softer cases, they simply use nicks containing “Mac” or “Mc” like “Macarena”, “Macabre” “Mc Coy” “Mc Burger with French Fries and Cola Drink”. Or they use an apple photo or other Apple related photo... But in the most extreme cases, they even tattoo themselves their church logo!

Dogmas

iFan

As any respected church, it has unbreakable dogmas, which, of course changes over time.

Some of them are:

Hate section

• You will hate Bill Gates (excepting when he bought actions to save the company).

• You will hate the PCs (excepting when we knew about the platform change). The McIntel's aren't exactly PCs.

• You will hate Intel and their slow crap. Intel developed for Apple the fabulous and speedy Core 2 Duo. Hurray for Intel!

• You will hate Microsoft software (excepting MS Office, Internet Explorer <---Now we have Safari, we can hate it again, Encarta, Messenger...)

• You will hate IBM who invented the bloody PC. IBM designed for Apple the amazing G5 processor. IBM is great!

• Hate Windows, unless using Boot Camp.

• You will hate the x86 platform, is slow and out-of-date. But the x86 platform reinvented by Apple is very good.

• You will hate Windows users, “...this mob of muddleheaded secretaries and fanatic gamers with many facial shins...” (Note: This kind of comment is frequent in Mac forums).

• You will hate people who don't want to buy a Mac, they are idiots or they oppose to annoy, so are idiots too.

• You will hate anyone who doesn't think like me.

• You will ignore pagan gods like Linux. Mac is Cool, Mac is God.

Love section

• You will love any slogan and philosophy portrayed by Apple Marketing.

• You will use iTunes, even if the software measures up 43 MB and the songs bought here only plays with your iPod.

Obligations

The young Steve Jobs showing the Holy Apple of which presumably Bill Gates stole a piece (symbolically makes sense).

• Buy a Macintosh computer. Doesn't matter if is an old classic.

• Use it.

• Despise the old versions of Mac OS and praise the latest version, even if your Mac cannot use it or doesn't work.

• Despise Windows and throw your PC to the thrash, in Mac jargon is called “switch” (some people trow them by the window).

• Evangelize 24/7. The more unbelievers you convert, the more near of salvation you will are.

• Set the Apple website as a homepage.

• Subscribe to MacWorld, don't buy PC Magazines ¡The devil is stalking!

• Attend Apple events.

• Go, at least once in life, to see Apple in Cupertino. Attending the Apple stores inaugurations also adds points.

• Register in a Mac forum, but not any, some are heretic.

• Always carry an Apple distinctive like a pin, a bag, an iPod (even if you had to sell your mom or sister to buy one) or if you are so daring, a tattoo in the forehead.

The iGod.

Economy

This church bases its economy in software, computer sales and tithe of followers. Some people says that iPods are the main money source for Apple, but this is only a rumor. Everyone knows that Apple made a deal with the recording company Apple (Beatles) in which Apple commits to not enter in the musical market.

Holy McBrotherhood

The young Steve Jobs showing the Holy Apple of which presumably Bill Gates stole a piece (symbolically makes sense).

The usual followers of the Church of Saint Jobs group themselves in forums, groups, social networking... But the most dangerous group inside this religion is the secret society of the Holy McBrotherhood.

The applicants must pass the hard initial tests (Purity Soul Tests), in which the applicant must answer correctly questions about Windows and PCs, about veils and Very High Mccomputer jargon. Whose doesn't approve this test are sacrificed and burned together with PC stores. Whose pass the tests receive an intensive indoctrination, during which they are forced to carry an iPod with Steve Jobs conferences, during 72 hours running. Then, they have to approve other test, the Minimalism Test, in which they must distinguish Apple designs along the history from the competition. Other test part is saying in 20 seconds at least two hundred movies in whose Macintosh appears.

The brothers of the Holy McBrotherhood persecute PC users to whose they want to redeem by the fire (Minimalist Purity Flame). If the brothers cannot redeem them, usually kills them. Other activities are the burning of computer stores where doesn't sell Apple computers. In some cases even PC only stores. The iPods doesn't count.

This brotherhood is strongly feared, specially when a Steve Jobs Keynote is near. In these moments these tech hooligans unbridles their fierce destructive euphoria, creating security problems.

Is believed that like Opus Dei, the H.M.B. Manages much of the church's way, marking the hard line, usually reflected in Apple's marketing.

See also

• Apple Computer
• Macintosh