Why?:Join a Satanic cult
“And I thought that Scientology had all the answers!”
“Circumcisions are FREE!”
Tired of God telling you what to do? Tired of humanity's saviour being a hippy? Tired of taking orders from a rock? Then the teachings of Satan are for you! So what are you waiting for? Join our church and receive a free membership tote bag absolutely FREE! That's all there is to it! Come on, don't be shy...it's not like we're an evil cult or anything...
~Anton LaVey
Why should you join?[edit | edit source]
Has your church let you down? Are you lost for answers? Have you considered changing your religion? If you said 'yes' to any of those questions then maybe Our religion is the right one for you! We believe that your God is a nasty sadist twat and that our God is one cool dude. Being a member also means you get to practice some uber cool rituals and listen to all the heavy metal you wish! Members are also given a free edition of the Bible written by God himself complete with illustrations and who could forget that totebag...I really want it now! And who could forget the membership discounts!
Now most religious fanatics would say that by following Satan you are going to go straight to Hell and we agree 100% which is why we see Hell as THE PLACE TO BE! Let's just get over the fact we're all f***ed up and PARTY! (And don't worry kiddies, Satan's a nice fella) Our DJs know exactly how to rock and belt out the latest tunes to headbang to along with those sweet riffs we know you just can't get enough of! With 5-star accommodation and a swimming pool of lava what's not to love? Plus we couldn't give a damn who you are! Whether you're a rapist, murderer or just a plain moron, the good folks at He'll treat you the same.
Unlike most other religions you don't have to wear any stupid robes or anything or even cover your face. BLACK is IN and it's one helluva look. Overweight? Don't fret as black makes you slimmer and looks good with just about anything except pink. Think it's too goth? Then do it up with something bright and cheery. There's no limit to how stylish you'll look!
Don't believe us? Then you'll just have to join up and see for yourself the wonders that are Satan. Membership is only a mere $666 so what are you waiting for? Sign up today and we'll give you cookies if you sign up a friend or family member, that's how simple it is!
WE WANT YOU TO JOIN SATAN! FOR MORE INFO CALL OUR 24/7 SERVICE NUMBER ON 1900-666!
Who Else Is In It?[edit | edit source]
Our Religion is practiced by many people prominent in the media, actually you'd be surprised if we were to show you the figures. Many people have turned to Our Ways after being let down and abandoned by their old religions promising salvation and the like if they acted like slaves their whole lives. Noticing that their religions were enslaving them they turned to us for tote bags cookies guidance.
Some notable Satanists devotees include:
- Stephanie - Citizen of LazyTown and prostitute.
- Marilyn Manson - Shock-rocker and gay clown.
- Every member of Dimmu Borgir
- Your mum
- Michael Jackson
- Jack Skellington
Just looking at all the suckers celebrities who follow us aren't you tempted? They're all going to Hell so you might as well get in line for their autographs!
See also[edit | edit source]
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan. | |
 Original Satan: The one who fell first.
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The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
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| Satan Claus: Ensnaring dyslexics looking for Santa.
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Satan's apprentice: Prince of Darkness
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| Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.
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The scariest Satan: Antichrist
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| Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco
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The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
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| Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan
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Satan of gaming: Sega
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| Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street
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Satan in command of enemy forces in War on Terra: Bambi
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| Satin: Is his name a typo?
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Satan's younger brother: Stan
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| Dick Cheney: Republican Satan.
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Satan's socialist alter ego: The Devil
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| GLaDOS: Futuristic Satan of portal
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Satan of video gaming: EA
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