Satan Bunny
“That's no ordinary rabbit!”
Satan Bunny was one of the original Satans from the beginning of time, but is best known as 1930's Vaudeville songstress-and-dancer Bunny Satan. This furry and cuddly form of evil is deceptive in appearance, and has been the downfall of many previously-righteous Christians. With highly flammable pellets, he is able to create a piece of Hell anywhere he goes. The Great Schism can be defined as an event that divided those who can say schism and those who can't.
History[edit | edit source]
Satans are varied in appearance, characteristics, and deportment, but can all be classified as evil, for the most part. They've been useful in the rise of civilization by providing scapegoats for just about everything imaginable. Satan Bunny is unique in that his form is innocuous, inviting normally stolid Christians to, "pet the little bunny, aww, isn't 'em cute?"
In the beginning[edit | edit source]
God had boatloads of angels working His racket before the Fall in the Garden of Eden. Right after He'd created Creation, some of the angels got jealous of Adam's way with the ladies. Original Satan was hanging at a pub in a strip mall when he noticed Lilith, Adam's first (and evil) wife, sitting at the bar by herself. Being a smooth talker, he soon got her drunk and took her back to his motel room, where the many Satans were conceived.
References to what occurred in said motel room can be found in the Bible:
“Wildcats shall meet with hyenas, goat-demons shall call to each other; there too Lilith shall repose, and find a place to rest. There shall the owl nest and lay and hatch and brood in its shadow.
”
No one seems to know what that's all about, but it sounds dirty, doesn't it?
Rap musician Frank Zapper proposed in his song, "Sofa No. 2", that a sofa and a chrome dinette set were somehow involved in Genesis. Using Bible code technology, the "Barking Pumpkin Records Carlos Santana's Secret Chord Changes" wing of the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen, discovered a complex sub-plot to Genesis which explains the origin of the Satans. Unfortunately, all data gathered thus far was transcribed by a now-deceased Pentacostal narcoleptic medium who channels David Bowie, so no one can understand what's actually happened.
Satan Bunny was one of Original Satan's favorites, and he doted on his son. Sending him to the best schools, buying him handguns and plastique, supplying him with "chronic" (aka, kick-ass reefer) were signals to Satan Bunny's siblings that he was an up-and-comer in the Evil business. Zapper believed that Original Satan made him so cute so he'd grow up to be tough, but then, he was a rap artist, so we'll ignore that.
In the Middle Ages[edit | edit source]
The Roman Catholic Church claimed Satan Bunny was a myth, and therefore, harmless and cuddly in 1388 AD. Pope Jaundiced of Vieu the Second issued this in a Papal Bull and several Papal Heifers in an effort to bad-mouth Moorish Spain.
Satan Bunny used the time off to cultivate marijuana and invent Scientology. Nostradamus was said to have, "smoked a few and self-audited" with Satan Bunny after ingesting ergot-contaminated rye. It is believed by some Nostradamus experts that he predicted the births of L. Ron Hubbard, John Travolta, and Tom Cruise, and their eventual descent into psychosis while "high as a kite" and hallucinating.
A little-known architectural style called "Gothic Satanic Furries" was influenced by Satan Bunny. He also invented Frank Lloyd Wright's liver while smoking a fag outside a pub. Nothing else very interesting happened concerning Satan Bunny until the early Twentieth Century.
20th Century Bunny Satan[edit | edit source]
During a cricket match in what is now Pakistan in 1905, Satan Bunny made his appearance for the first time in centuries. An unscheduled solar eclipse darkened the playing field as Satan Bunny introduced the concept of "junk bonds" to a bewildered audience of cricketers and Sufi poets.
Satan Bunny then worked a tramp steamer across the Straits of Magellan, eventually settling in New York City. Using evil powers, he transmuted himself into a woman called Fanny Brice. To her adoring fans within the Cabal she became known as Bunny Satan
“In 1908, she dropped out of school to work in a burlesque review. She is best known for both her association with Florenz Ziegfeld, headlining his Ziegfield Follies from 1910 into the 1930s, and for her later radio career which lasted a decade and a half.”
Rosicrucians and Freemasons believe Satan Bunny invented the Third Reich, and often attend black masses with the intent of using Adolf Hitler's and Josef Stalin's DNA to create a super-demon. For this reason, Satan Bunny is associated with the Nazi swatstika.
Prophecy and Satan Bunny[edit | edit source]
In the Bible, somewhere, it says that all Satans will be given decent pensions after the Apocalypse. Apparently because they aren't fully human, they're off the hook for all the evil they've done.
“What were the Nephilim? According to Hebrew and other legends (the Book of Enoch and other non-Biblical writings), they were a race of giants and super-heroes who did acts of great evil. Their great size and power likely came from the mixture of demonic "DNA" with human genetics. All that the Bible directly says about them is that they were "heroes of old, men of renown" (Genesis 6:4). The Nephilim were not aliens, they were literal, physical beings produced from the union of the sons of God and daughters of men (Genesis 6:1-4).
”
In the end, God will triumph over Satan Bunny blah, blah blah. You know all this. The thing you don't know is, Satan Bunny inhabits those prizes you get in your cereal box. Right now, he's forcing your kids to smoke narcotics and use the internet!
See also[edit | edit source]
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan. | |
 Original Satan: The one who fell first.
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The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
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| Satan Claus: Ensnaring dyslexics looking for Santa.
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Satan's apprentice: Prince of Darkness
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| Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.
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The scariest Satan: Antichrist
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| Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco
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The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
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| Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan
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Satan of gaming: Sega
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| Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street
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Satan in command of enemy forces in War on Terra: Bambi
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| Satin: Is his name a typo?
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Satan's younger brother: Stan
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| Dick Cheney: Republican Satan.
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Satan's socialist alter ego: The Devil
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| GLaDOS: Futuristic Satan of portal
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Satan of video gaming: EA
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