Cthulhu v. Japan
“The masterpiece of judicial thinking!”
Cthulhu v. Japan is a case tried in US Supreme court on May 32, 1974, and remains one of the most controversial cases in US history.
The synopsis of the case is as follows: California-based branch of Japanese hentai producer Perv Jerkoff LLC has released a hardcore hentai motion picture All holes filled, with tentacles Vol. 8 into US market. However, despite critical acclaim, there was a controversy, since it was immediately recognized by the majority of the audience that the film's GGI contained samples of Cthulhu's tentacles. Immediately upon being notified by his followers, Cthulhu appeared before the Supreme court as a materialised nightmare to file a suit. The court granted a preliminary injunction stopping the sales of the video, and then certiorari review.
Arguments of the parties[edit | edit source]
The plaintiff aserted that although he recognized that the release of video in question and its 7 prequels was legitimate (mglw'nafh) in Japan, according to the oral contract (pr'hgywarnt) between Takeshi Kitano and Cthulhu, which provided Cthulhu with annual 200 virgin sacrifice in exchange for said intellectual property, the contract only provided specific rights of distribution in Japanese market. Said rights were released only on specific conditions, and since the copyright holder violated them under article VI of UNCITRAL rules, Cthulhu is entitled to 30% of movie's gross and punitive damages, resulting in devouring souls(fhtagn) of the entire Board of directors of Perv Jerkoff LLC US division.
The defendant rebutted, stating that since Cthulhu never took steps to minimize the damages, thus his actions were in bad faith, resulting in void of any legal guarantees. The defendant's representative, Johnnie Cochran, stated, that Cthulhu was properly informed in writing by certificate issued by Japan Ministry of Otaku, that Japanese people have no souls, therefore, the contract never authorised any involuntary soul comsumption. Said certificate was duly notarised and delivered to R'lyeh by certified mail prior to the conclusion of the contract.
Cthulhu didn't contest such discovery, however, he agrued that soul consumption is a natural part ( Ph'nglui) of any contract of any kind if one of the parties is the Old One or Lesser Old One, therefore, the defendant might have acted in bad faith himself. He also agrued that Second Amendment allowed him to devour souls of those Americans who didn't have at least one shotgun, a pair of semi-automatic rifles and no less that 7 handguns at home at all times.
Ruling of the court[edit | edit source]
The decision was one of the most controversial ones, since two of the justices weren't careful enough and were quickly consumed by Cthulhu. He was duly fined $50,000 for contempt of the Court, since both consumed justices were Republicans. The remaining Democratic Majority quickly dismissed Cthulhu's assumptions of good faith, since being a priori the ultimate evil ( wgah'nagl) didn't allow Cthulhu to have good faith at all. However, Judges Mel Gibson and Lincoln Rockwell dissented, writing that "the rumors of Cthulhu being the ultimate evil are greatly exagerrated. Jews are the ultimate evil (see A. Htler, Mein Kampf, III ed, Berlin 1933, pages 2-682), and are cause of all the wars in the world, so comparing to ZOG Cthulhu is a far lesser evil, [sic] the civil rights of Cthulhu are guaranteed by US constitution". The remaining arguments were dismissed on the grounds that Japanese cannot be held liable for any actions at all, because of their debilism. Judge Dredd, writing for the majority, elaborated that "just like dogs can't be held liable for pissing on your lawn, Japanese can enter in no legal contract at all, because they are imbeciles. Just at those fucking gooks behind the wheel! Or at those stupid jap cars. How can you even think of building anyting that has 25 M.P.G. mileage? They are just monkeys. Except for Toshiro Mifune, he's kinda cool." The court also declined to overrule its previous decision Cthulhu v. NCAAP (1954), citing jugde Lynch "all dem niggers have naa sawl", and applying this pearl of judicial thinking to the current situation. The court explicitly overruled Cthulhu's invocation of Second amendment defence, ruling that since it guarantees rights of "the people" large underwater creatures are extempt from its scope. Cthulhu argued, however, that since he devoured countless souls of humans, he should be granted respective rights based of this fact.
Consequences[edit | edit source]
The effect of the decision was profound, and basically led to overflowing of US market with cheap Japanese pornography. Cthulhu was disappointed, and commented on his defeat curtly at the press conference: "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn", devouring several journalists aferwards.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
The defeat of Cthulhu is said to be solely attributed to Jewbacca defence used by defendant's lawyer during trial.
Joining of the squid people[edit | edit source]
In a later re-release a new CGI effect was used this time with The squid peoples tentacles. though the makers of the movie felt that because the tenticles were not documented under the Cthulu Vs. Japan case that they could go ahead with the use of the tentacles. naturally Squidrallia being the media hub that it is, they got a copie of the movie and felt this was a hurtful and elegal infringements on there rights as geneticly engeneard creatures. So a class action lawsuit ensued and Perv Jackoff LLC's componie was permanently shut down for repeated offences. Also there winning of the case and haveing a permanent act no tentacle hentai without creature consent law was put into place to prevent this from ever happening again