Cthulhu v. Japan

Courtroom artist's rendering of an especially heated moment during the case

“The masterpiece of judicial thinking!”

– Oscar Wilde on Cthulhu v. Japan

Cthulhu v. Japan is a case tried in US Supreme court on May 32, 1974, and remains one of the most controversial cases in US history.

The synopsis of the case is as follows: California-based branch of Japanese hentai producer Perv Jerkoff LLC has released a hardcore hentai motion picture All holes filled, with tentacles Vol. 8, into the US market. However, despite critical acclaim, there was a controversy since it was immediately recognized by the majority of the audience that the film's CGI contained samples of Cthulhu's tentacles. Immediately upon being notified by his followers, Cthulhu appeared before the Supreme court as a materialized nightmare to file a suit. The court granted a preliminary injunction, stopping the sales of the video, and along with a writ of certiorari.

Arguments of the parties

A scene from the contested film

The plaintiff asserted that, although he recognized that the release of video in question and its 7 prequels was legitimate (mglw'nafh) in Japan, according to the oral contract (pr'hgywarnt) between Takeshi Kitano and Cthulhu, which provided Cthulhu annually 200 virgin sacrifices in exchange for said intellectual property, the contract only provided specific rights of distribution in the Japanese market. Said rights were released only on specific conditions, and since the copyright holder violated them under article VI of UNCITRAL rules, Cthulhu was entitled to 30% of movie's gross and punitive damages, resulting in a devouring of the souls (fhtagn) of the entire Board of directors of Perv Jerkoff LLC, US division.

The defendant rebutted, stating that since Cthulhu never took steps to minimize the damages, his actions were in bad faith, resulting in a void of any legal guarantees. The defendant's representative, Johnnie Cochran, stated that Cthulhu was properly informed in writing by certificate issued by Japan Ministry of Otaku, that Japanese people have no souls, and therefore the contract never authorized any involuntary soul consumption. Said certificate was duly notarized and delivered to R'lyeh by certified mail prior to the conclusion of the contract.

Cthulhu didn't contest such discovery, however, he argued that soul consumption is a natural part (Ph'nglui) of any contract of any kind if one of the parties is the Old One or Lesser Old One, therefore, the defendant might have acted in bad faith himself. He also argued that Second Amendment allowed him to devour souls of those Americans who didn't have at least one shotgun, a pair of semi-automatic rifles, and no less that 7 handguns at home at all times.

Ruling of the court

"Oh SHIT! There he goes!"

The decision was one of the most controversial ones, since two of the justices weren't careful enough, and were quickly consumed by Cthulhu. He was duly fined $50,000 for contempt of the Court since both consumed justices were Republicans. The remaining Democratic Majority quickly dismissed Cthulhu's assumptions of good faith, since being a priori, "the ultimate evil (wgah'nagl)", didn't allow Cthulhu to have good faith at all. However, Judges Mel Gibson and Lincoln Rockwell dissented, writing that "the rumors of Cthulhu being the ultimate evil are greatly exaggerated. Jews are the ultimate evil, (see A. Hitler, Mein Kampf, III ed, Berlin 1933, pages 2-682), and are the cause of all the wars in the world, so compared to ZOG, Cthulhu is a far lesser evil [sic]. The civil rights of Cthulhu are guaranteed by the US constitution". The remaining arguments were dismissed on the grounds that Japanese cannot be held liable for any actions at all, because of their debility. Judge Dredd, writing for the majority, elaborated that "just like dogs can't be held liable for pissing on your lawn, the Japanese cannot enter into a legal contract at all, because they are imbeciles. Just at those fucking gooks behind the wheel! Or at those stupid jap cars. How can you even think of building anything that has 25 M.P.G. mileage? They are just monkeys. Except for Toshiro Mifune, he's kinda cool." The court also declined to overrule its previous decision Cthulhu v. NCAAP (1954), citing judge Lynch "all dem niggers have naa sawl", and applying this pearl of judicial thinking to the current situation. The court explicitly overruled Cthulhu's invocation of Second amendment defense, ruling that since it guarantees rights of "the people", large underwater creatures are exempt from its scope. Cthulhu argued, however, that since he devoured countless souls of humans, he should be granted respective rights based off this fact.

Consequences

The effect of the decision was profound, and basically led to overflowing of US market with cheap Japanese pornography. Cthulhu was disappointed, and commented on his defeat curtly at the press conference: "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn", devouring several journalists afterwards.

Trivia

The defeat of Cthulhu is said to be solely attributed to the Jewbacca defense used by defendant's lawyer during the trial.

Joining of the squid people

"Clearly AI, do they even try anymore?"

In a later re-release, a new CGI effect was used this time. Though the makers of the movie felt that "because the tentacles were not documented under the Cthulu Vs. Japan case", they could go ahead with the use of the tentacles. Naturally Squidrallia being the media hub that it is, got a copy of the movie and felt it was a hurtful and illegal infringement on their rights as genetically engineered creatures. So a class action lawsuit ensued, and Perv Jackoff LLC's company was permanently shut down for repeated offenses. After winning the case, they had a permanent "no tentacle hentai without creature consent" law put into place to prevent this from ever happening again

See Also

• Cthulhu Day
• Cthulhu
• Hentai
• H. P. Lovecraft