Johnnie Cochran

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Johnnie Cochran.
Johnnie trying to look casual. HA! It's a trap, because Johnnie is all business
Ladies and gentlemen of the supposed jur-rah, this is Chewbacca. Why would he want to live on the planet Endor with four foot tall Wookies when he himself is seven feet tall? More importantly, what does this have to do with this murder case? Nothing. If Chewbacca doesn't make sense, you must acquit! The defense rests.

Johnnie Cochran on the "greatest" courtroom closing argument ever

Johnnie Cochran (October 2, 1937 – March 29, 2005) was a famous lawyer and African American , best known for winning every case he ever took on, especially the second and most prolific O.J. Simpson murder trial.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr. was born in the hot summer of 1937 (the "L" in his middle name doesn't stand for anything). Johnnie's parents lived in the South, like all black people did back in the day, and his grandparents were probably from Africa. Following the ancient tradition of African American immigration, when Johnnie was born his father Randy flipped a coin and it landed on heads so they moved to Oakland instead of Detroit. Johnnie's whereabouts are unknown between 1938-1980. Unlike most black people, there have been no significant reports of Johnnie Cochran committing any type of shenanigans, which is probably why he fell off the radar. He wore glasses because of poor eyesight and got his lawyers lying dice at UCLA.

O.J. Simpson Trial[edit | edit source]

He was always going to win. Everyone knows the Simpsons are no match for Southpark

In 1997 O.J. Simpson was found guilty on the charges of murdering his ex-wife Nicole O.J. Simpson, her friend Ronald Goldman and driving slowly on national television. Later that year, Johnnie Cochran reopened the case and through a loophole in the legal system in California, had O.J. tried again for the double murder. "Double Jeopardy" in California only applies to contestants of Alex Trebek's show. Through being very black and having the trial in California, the second time was the charm for O.J. All charges were reversed, and O.J. was released from jail and forced to receive $400,000 in monopoly money. Instead of being paid, Johnnie agreed to become the leader of the Black Panthers.

Other Cases[edit | edit source]

In the 1993 Michael Jackson molestation charge, Johnnie used what would become known as the "cop a feel" defense. His immaculate logic was that since the King of was wearing a glove, any contact between the boy and MJ was purely a result of the glove's discretion. Using this monumental tactic Cochran then proved that gloves have an intelligence in between that of slut Paris Hilton and bottle-nosed dolphins. Subsequently following the case Johnnie prosecuted the glove relentlessly, eventually leading it to be sentenced to life without parole and latex. Now Micheal only has one glove left with which to grope young boys.

In 2000, Sean Combs aka "Sean John", "Puff Daddy", "P Diddy", and "Diddy" was indicted on charges of having too many fricken aliases, and possessing a firearm aka "gun" aka "baby daddy killer". The prosecution, led by Jimbo Wales showed up high on the date of the hearing, and all Johnnie Cochran had to do was wink at the jury to unanimously acquit the rapper who hosts the best parties.

Although currently he died in 2005, if someone were to sue Orange Geuce, Mr. Cochran would arise as a zombie and obliterate the prosecution.

Legacy[edit | edit source]

Johnnie kept this guy relatively sane and off the streets for many years

It is widely known the steroid allegations by the MLB on such beautiful and hardworking baseball players as Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco would not have come about if Johnnie Cochran was still around to defend them. Reportedly, baseball's commissioner and notable alien Bud "Not your Bud" Selig had been waiting 5000 Glorxian years (1 Glorxian year = roughly 277 human years) to unleash his anti-steroid fury on the MLB. The current punishment for being caught with HGH is: missing a game and keeping a picture of Johnnie Cochran in your wallet forever. More like a reward if you ask me.

Cochran is also the sole recipient of the Black Lawyer of the Year award, having won it an astounding 27 years in a row. Since there have been no other black lawyers to challenge his title, the last two years he has won it posthumously.

See also[edit | edit source]