The X-Files Coronavirus Special

The X-Files Coronavirus Special

Mulder

Hey there, I am Mulder and I'm gonna guide you through this totally cool, brand-new X-Files Coronavirus Special. Since they've broken my glass hand in Zoolander, I can only type using my other hand, which makes typing a little clumsy. So let me just get right to the point, and see how it goes from there... So the truth is totally out there, man. I mean, someone must know something about the origin of this COVID-19 shit. It might have been engineered by the Chinese, or even by Trump himself. We must keep digging.

It's like my fucking hand, it used to be china, and now the china is broken. So my hand is exposed to the dangers of the outside world. Will I ever hand-model again? Good question.

Scully, take it from here.

Scully

Thanks for nothing. I'm feeling like that Claris-replacement who's leg was cooked by Hannibal on national TV. Again, I'm left with all the mess after your useless bullshit, Mulder. So let's just see what we're dealing with here... An Uncyclopedia Coronavirus Special of X-Files... How come there's no X-Files-themed article in Uncyclopedia until now? The show which is the Queen of references in popular culture? Unbelievable.

And why is it so hot when I say the word Mulder? Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, Mulder.

There. My paragraph is finished. I hope your oral pleasure is finished too. Take it away, old smoking creep.

C-Man

Hello, I am C-Man, AKA Cigarette Smoking Man. I'm glad to take part in this C-Mass special. Let me try to save this article for you. First, let's put in some nice introduction of yours truly.

I am Cunt-Man, the star of the show The X-Files. My job in the show is to taunt Mulder & Scully, who are trying to prove that I am hiding illegal aliens from the American public. Why am I doing that? First, because I am a cunt. The second reason is that there are no fucking illegal aliens in America. How do I know that? Because I told Trump to keep 'em all out. They are a hazard to the American health system.

Let me light this cigarette and I'll be back with you.

So, let me address Scully's argument first. There are no XF-themed articles in Uncyc, sure. And it's fucking 2020 already, sure. Why is that? Well, you might as well ask why there aren't any pictures in this fucking article. LAZY, Ladies & gentlemen. The reason is simply people being LAZY. Besides, can you take Scully's legless image out of your minds anyway? I didn't think so. Who needs pictures anyway.

Let me enjoy my cigarette and reflect on that.

So, what did Skinner have to say about that?

Man, that's a good cigarette.

No, not Principal Skinner. The one from X-Files. Looks like Jack Crawford.

Rings a bell?

OK, I see you are still here. There is no big coronaspiracy. There is no Chinagate. A Chinese dude ate a sick bat. Is it so hard to believe? All bats are sick anyway. And Asian people would eat anything.

I'm lighting another one, you're welcome to stay and watch.

Hey, maybe this whole thing is related to Ozzy biting off the head of a bat? Did you check that angle? It might have caused all the heavy metal-prophecies come true.

I'll tell you what. Instead of lightin' another one, I'll just post a heavy-metal themed picture, and we'll call it even.

And remember, the truth is out there. Just look at this beautiful quote.

  COVID-19

Whore and Gore to shit your pants to

Genres	Horror fiction - Horror film - Scary Movie - Slasher film - Cancer porn - Nunsploitation
Movies	Alien - Alien vs. Predator - Bambi - Cannibal Holocaust - Creepshow: The Crate - Death Proof - Drag Me to Hell - The Exorcist - Final Destination - Fountainhead Earth - Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle - Freddy v. Jason - Friday the 13th - Ghostbusters - Godzilla vs. Urethra - Hostel - JAWS - Little Shop of Horrors - Misery - The Phantom of the Opera - Predator - Psycho - Saw - The Shining - Snakes on a Plane - Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Wicker Man - Home Alone 2
Sagas	American Horror Story - Dexter - Dracula - Frankenstein - Halloween - It - Saw - Scream - Sex and the City - Stranger Things - The Handmaid's Tale - The Twilight Zone - The X-Files - True Blood - The Backrooms - Skibidi Toilet
Games	9-11: The Video Game - Amnesia: The Dark Descent - The Last of Us - Monster Party - Godzilla - Resident Evil - Silent Hill - Slender - Space Invaders - Yu-Gi-Oh! - Zork
Characters	Patrick Bateman - Dracula - Dr. Frankestein - Michael Jackson - JigSaw - Freddy Krueger - Hannibal Lecter - Old McDonald - Dexter Morgan - Mike Myers - Pennywise - Butters Stotch - Sweeney Todd - Jason Voorhees
Creatures	Aliens - Cthulhu - Frankenstein Monster - Grue - Ghosts - Jack O'Lantern - Skeletons - Vampires - Xenomorph - Zombies
Creators	David Cronenberg - King Diamond - Stephen King - Kyle MacLachlan - H. P. Lovecraft - Bela Lugosi - David Lynch - Spike Milligan - Jordan Peele - Edgar Allan Poe - Eli Roth - Goa Tse - Mr. TwatCunt - Ed Wood
History	"Leprechaun" remake in the works - Michael Myers escapes from sanitarium, kills Christopher Walken - New "Halloween" movie getting little promotion; world in panic - Next Saw film to include a goatse-trap - "Halloween will be rated G" - Scheider death blamed on shark - Ving Rhames' dog kills zombie - "Saw VI" gets a G-rating by the MPAA - The Gremlins take over Cypress Hill's Instagram, killing massive amount of serious children - European Union turns Donald Trump into a walrus - Spotify removes Hannah's shoulders - Blackdick removed from Saw X - Saw X still the only logical candidate