UnNews:Heaven under coronavirus quarantine
Sunday, April 12, 2020
While the entire world battles against the coronavirus, news has broken that cases of COVID-19 have popped up in Heaven, putting the entire celestial realm of God, the angels and the righteous under pandemic.
A disease outbreak in Heaven was unprecedented, to say the least. Viruses don't typically have souls, given that they're technically classified as nonliving organisms. They haven't actually crossed the evolutionary barrier in which an organism gains a soul. However, the coronavirus SARS-CoV-2 apparently has underwent a freak mutation in which it developed a soul, and thus gained entry into the afterlife.
One of the ways the coronavirus enters the afterlife is being killed. This means that every time we mortals kill the virus with soap or disinfectant, we're sending it to the Great Beyond. However, we can't simply stop killing it, because then the virus will multiply all the more, and more deaths will mean more possible victims in the afterlife, which opens up the possibility for even more problems. Beings who catch the coronavirus in Heaven have the exact same symptoms of mortals, including death. However, after they die, they're simply relocated outside the Pearly Gates where they have to stand in line again to get back in. In other words, the overarching symptom of COVID-19 in the afterlife is severe annoyance.
Besides dead coronaviruses themselves entering the afterlife, evidence suggests that people who die of COVID-19 carry the virus with them. As it stands, coronavirus patients have been sent to another pocket dimension on the outskirts of Heaven.[1] Unfortunately, there's no evidence that having COVID-19 beforehand leaves you immune from catching it again. One grandmother who recovered from COVID-19, but then later died of pneumonia, came to Heaven only to catch it again. "Well isn't this nice" she mumbled, possibly referencing the old man who died in a plane crash in the Alanis Morisette song "Ironic".
Given that nothing like this has ever occurred in the history of existence, Heaven has mostly been in the dark on how to deal with the coronavirus outbreak. While God is all-powerful, he's reportedly locked himself inside his house and cut off all interaction with the outside world, given that he's a huge germaphobe. A team of angels and saints has been working tirelessly to convert the magic that Jesus used to heal lepers into a vaccine. In the meantime, Heaven is under total lockdown and citizens have been required to basically just do what people on Earth are doing, with an addition of practicing good wing hygiene and regularly sterilizing harps and halos.
"It's so surreal," said Archangel Michael. "You look at these streets of gold and they're empty. It's like being in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Freaky deaky!"
Trying to send the virus to Hell is not a viable solution, given that Hell is also under pandemic. With demons being infected left and right, they're unable to torture the damned. Most demons can't even take a paid vacation, given that punishment in Hell is considered essential work. Thus, the coronavirus has thrown the entire afterlife system into a recession. With both sides suffering, Heaven and Hell have followed the example of Google and Apple and put aside their differences to take action against the crises. Both sides are working on a theological loophole to send the virus to Purgatory so that it may infect only unbaptized babies and those filthy heathens Protestants.
Speaking from a livestream in his house, the Lord Jesus Christ gave words of comfort to his followers. "My children, I'm sorry that this coronavirus situation has gotten so out of hand. I know Kenneth Copeland has been constantly bugging me to destroy the virus, but believe me, we've got our hands tied up here. In the meantime, wash your hands, practice social distancing, and listen to health experts. I can't emphasize that last one enough." Jesus went on to address the issue of churches holding services during the pandemic, "Seriously, don't go to church right now. We're good. You can still worship me from the privacy of your own home. You don't even have to celebrate Easter this year. It's okay, I'm not upset. When you get to be my age, it's just another day. If you're bummed out and need some holiday festivities, I recommend celebrating Passover. Stay inside your individual houses, wait for death the pass over. You know, kicking it old school. It's probably also a good idea to keep kosher and don't eat bats. We were pretty clear about that."[2] Jesus paused for a second, and remembered, "Oh, but don't bother setting a seat for the Prophet Elijah. You don't want him to visit. He's actually been infected with COVID. Thoughts and prayers." Then Jesus brought out his guitar and played some song requests from the stream chat.
Later, upon hearing that many churches were still holding live services, the Lord Jesus exclaimed, "Christ! You guys are killing me!"
Footnotes
- ↑ Kind of like Limbo, but nicer and with a better streaming service package.
- ↑ Deuteronomy 14:12–18. No kidding.
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|---|---|---|
| uninfected | Lars von Trier | | |
| deceased | Bernardo Bertolucci | Kobe Bryant | People in Heaven | Christof | George Floyd | Van Morrison's brain | Cast of Glee | Maradona | Neil Young | |
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