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COVID-19 Solutions Incorporated

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The fact that our team is diverse with two women and one-and-a-half non-white people shows how much we care about diversity yet the dominant straight white male in the center lets you relax knowing we are a serious company that projects a sense of vanilla professionalism. That's the kind of disease company you should put your trust in.

The two things you can count on today are that a deadly disease exists in little droplets suspended in the air just waiting to get into your mouth and kill you. The second is that your fellow human beings are imbecilic retards who think mandatory mask wearing is like being enslaved in a North Korean death camp. We at COVID-19 Solutions Incorporated sympathize with non-retards like you who want to live and can handle the minor irritation of being careful in public.

Our company offers many solutions to the human stupidity all around you. You're reasonably intelligent and don't want to waste away hooked up to a ventilator. While we cannot absolutely guarantee you won't get COVID we can make it a lot less likely. We can also help you take care of pesky disease-ridden people you might be stuck with. If you have a brain-relapse and get the disease there are still ways we can help you. We offer the most competitively priced health-disaster service on the planet, delivered by people who really care about inconvenience during these mildly troubling times.

Here you can see someone lounging around in a four-star homeless shelter. How could your family complain with this kind of treatment. A good pair of earplugs and nose plugs and they'll be fine. We can even deliver them some Uber-eats if you are feeling generous. Now that's room service!

A family member has the virus?

You told those assholes not to go outside without a mask and to wash their hands with hot water and to please stay out of your face ... Are you sick of doing their chores, listening to them gasp for air while they whine about how horrible they feel? Still waiting for them to apologize for making an already annoying time an obnoxious one? We offer a family member removal service. We will come and pick them up, take them to a homeless shelter and force them to recuperate there. When they come back they should be ready to say sorry for not listening and endangering you. The service is cheaper than sending them to a hotel or to an American hospital without medical insurance.

Don't want to get the virus?

You prefer your life expectancy to be in the high 80s or 90s, not weeks or even days. We have access to a secret monastery in Tibet where the monks pray to their heathen elephant God so that deserving human beings like you don't end up coughing their larynx out through their mouth. So far, nobody who has used our service has gotten sick. What other evidence do you need? If you buy our "faith package" we will have them pray out your name ten times and send magical prayer beams into Ganesh's feeding pond where he will suck it up through his thirsty trunk into his holy mind creating a cosmic quarantine bubble around you that protects you from the virus. Your safety is divinely guaranteed. If you do end up getting sick and die from the virus, we will send your family an apology letter and a gift voucher for one free "faith package". Maybe your uncle will be better in tune with the Buddhist's karmic energy.

Lost your job because of the virus?

You have too nice a lifestyle to find yourself homeless or sleeping on a friend's futon eating instant noodles. Have you ever dreamed of stuffing envelopes for $3.50 an hour? We can make your wishes come true. We'll send you all the work (for a small delivery fee), you do it, send it back (pay your own shipping) and we will deposit into your bank your huge payout (minus a tiny little commission that we can negotiate once the work is done). Not interested in soul-destroying work? Are you attractive? Do you have revealing clothes? Are you willing to record yourself pole dancing or doing degrading things on screen? Our IT specialists can sort you out and you could make a whole lot more money than stuffing envelopes. Send us your sensual video resume and we may contact you if you are right for Dynomatic Incorporated Delicious Department.

When you add the cost of the body removal, undertaker, embalming, coffin, plot, service and funeral, isn't an unceremonious dump the more humane thing to do for your wallet?

Did a family member die with COVID?

That is just nasty. Their rotting corpse is still full of the corona virus and you could get it. Our policy is to get them out of your face as fast as possible and not bother you with pesky details. We have agreements with landfills in many states and countries where we can dump their bodies, no questions asked. Because you do care at least a little about their dignity we will wrap them in a garbage bag so scavengers don't eat the body right away.

Did you get COVID?

Sometimes we all fuck up, even the best of us. We don't listen to our own advice and then have to pay the price. What can we do to help you? We offer three solutions which we can custom tailor to your particular needs:


We can isolate you in a coffin underground. It will have a supply of oxygen and food and means to collect your human waste. This way you have no chance of infecting other people and if you die, then you are already underground. If we forget to exhume your coffin and you die, then luckily you'll also be buried so there will be no need for your family to cover the burial costs! Everybody wins.


We can chop off your head and freeze your brain. We will then put you in an underground facility and your body will happily wade in eternal oblivion nothingness until humanity has overcome its grotesque dark nature and has evolved into super-geniuses with mad-new-technology. That day they can revitalize you somehow using their gizmo-beams. You might even be able to reincarnate as a robot with a smoking hot new body. Or you could even become a robot-animal of your choice, like a Tasmanian devil or an elegant African gazelle.

Not freeze

The final option is for those who cannot handle the stress of COVID-19. We will chop off your head and then bury it along with the rest of your body. This will give you a sense of finality and avoid the burden of being sick and drowning in your own lung-fluid. You'll have no idea when it will happen so you can enjoy your final hours and do all the things you always wanted to do. We promise we won't decapitate you while you're having sex.

Embarrassing disease or STD?

All your packages can be easily modified for anyone suffering from virulent gonorrhea or similarly gross diseases you should have been more careful to avoid. All the above packages apply as well as the following special STD solutions:

Our condom delivery men are specially screened to make sure none of them poke holes in the condoms, unless you want them to in which case we offer our super-bundle-package which costs only a little extra.

Lifetime condom service

We will supply you with numerous condoms every month until one day, if you are a man: you are no longer able to get an erection or if you are a woman: have become completely grossed out by male pigs and are sexually dead down there. We also provide, via our partners with Amazon same day delivery, an instant condom service. If you are too horny to put on clothes and go buy a condom we can have a messenger rush a ten-pack to you within fifteen minutes if you live in a city. Services may take up to five hours in the country side, in which case a handjob and fingering can help you bide the time.

Annoying sores

Having sores on your lips, your torso or genitals is really annoying. And as much as you want to pick them off, it's painful and unpleasant to do. With COVID Solutions Incorporated (CSI) we can come over, apply frozen nitrogen to your sore and then shatter it with a comical looking hammer. We will then bandage the sore so you don't have to see the puss oozing out of it. It's fun to watch and sanitary. Your safety is always our paramount concern at CSI, as is your entertainment. You can film the whole thing and share it with friends on YouTube.

Painful urination?

So you got chlamydia and are paying for it for the rest of your life. That doesn't mean you don't have to have painful bathroom visits. We will come to your house and shoot up your penis or urethra with local anesthetic every time you go pee pee. No longer necessary to scream in horrific agony or skip having a beer because of a future bathroom visit. Drink away and call us fifteen minutes before you need to go pee. We will always lovingly take care of you as long as you are never late with your monthly bills.

The future of COVID

No doubt there will be a second wave of COVID-19 which will bring fear and existential nausea to our customers in the future. It's going to get worse and companies like us are always anticipating the right solution to problems yet to arise. We've already prepared some packages for the coming COVID apocalypse:

These places should have been napalmed decades ago.

Chinese meat markets

Those Orientals sure love their uncooked bat-meat steaks. Our plan is to start a crowd funding site to which our customers are encouraged to donate their "I feel guilty about my wealth" money. This will fund the obliteration of Asian wet-meat-markets. We are currently testing the cheapest method of delivery with possibilities ranging from satellite released napalm bombs or even squirrels equipped with heavy explosives who would be released into the market to take out viral-lung-disease incubation. However we accomplish it, this will help avoid yet another meat-market-virus-invasion happening again. Bye-bye armadillo ribs in Shanghai!

COVID packages on crack

It's likely the next time around your entire family will get infected. We offer a batch-solution service where you can apply any of our packages to your entirely family. Need all of them temporarily housed in a homeless shelter? No problem, we can haul them all away in a school bus. Need seven bodies quickly disposed of? Even if the landfills become full we can just dump them all in an Irish bog or just burn down your house and their corpses along with it. No task is too challenging for us at CSI.

Giant hamster bubbles

We are already mass marketing giant hamster bubbles which humans can use to walk around town. While you won't be able to enter most buildings or get into a car or taxi, and forget about public transport, if you work in a building with large automatic doors and a huge elevator, you can spend the whole day in your bubble and not worry about anyone infecting you with Super-COVID-20. You can watch in the safety of your big plastic ball while people around you bleed out of their eyes and collapse on the floor, always knowing they cannot hurt you.

The unknowns

We at CSI are brilliant at dealing with unknown atrocities waiting to jump out and afflict you. You can be sure that whatever disease disaster comes your way, we will be there to help you avoid it, contain it, get through it and dispose of your carcass if you succumb to it. That is the CSC guarantee and we always stand by our promises, if we don't then your lawyers can sue our asses off. That's the kind of commitment we offer you, our valued disease avoiding customers. So next time your obnoxious neighbor thinks they can pray to God instead of wearing a mask, just write down our hotline number and be ready to call. We can be there in an instant to take out the trash.

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Featured version: 17 September 2020
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