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UnNews:Queen's Coronavirus address in full

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Sunday, April 5, 2020

The Queen, Skyping with Meghan Markle

"I am speaking to you at what I know is an increasingly challenging time. It affects us all; Phillip and I are stuck in this 1000-room castle on a paltry 13-acre estate, with a skeleton staff of just 132.

"One thing that I would recommend to you all in this period is to make the most of the three wings of the fortress you don't use in a typical year. No good can come of having dinner in the same dining hall every night. So, try to find that swan-roasting banquet room your great-grandfather inaugurated in 1872!

"Should Joe Wicks' estuary workouts prove a bore, you may be surprised to find a swimming pool in the shape of Great Britain in your courtyard, filled with heated 17th-century African tears.

"And if you feel your resolve or self-discipline begin to wane, I heartily recommend a retreat to your Imperial Billiards Room. If you are anything like me, you will get a real boost from the satisfaction that comes with using a mammoth-ivory cue to sink a tarsian's eye-ball into a tiger mouth-pocket.

"This process of rediscovering your castle, coupled with daily walks and hunting parties, can really help to lighten the burden one has to bear.

"Similarly, one can take this opportunity to re-engage with one's million-piece art collection. It is incredible how, in the hurly-burly of our daily lives, we come to neglect the small things around us, such as works of genius by Titian, Rubens and Vermeer to which the general public are denied access.

"I thank you all for your concern about Prince Phillip. We have received many touching messages in the last few days. I am happily able to confirm that rumours of his deteriorating health, and some about racist comments he made about the Chinese origin of the disease, were largely exaggerated.

"I should also like to express my gratitude to all the staff in our hospitals who are battling this pandemic whilst armed with insufficient resources. Would that there were something I could do.

"Finally, I should like to thank all of you, loyal subjects, for your generous fiscal contributions. It is a great source of solace for me, in this difficult time, to see my face on every piece of money in the country.

"It is a heartwarming reminder that – no matter how dark the night, no matter how hard the struggle – I shall continue to be able to maintain my lifestyle by taxing people who are poorer than I.

"I urge you all to do the same."


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