Worst Thing in the World: Coronavirus

	This article contains nonsense letters (J, Q, X, Z).
	You can help Uncyclopedia by paraphrasing the sentences that contain J, Q, X or Z.

The resolution: Coronavirus is the “worst thing” on the earth.

Framework: Whoever can prove their side of the case will result in the most prolonged suffering overall.

Now that we are living in the middle of my “What is the worst thing in the world?” scenario, I feel it is the appropriate time to revisit this debate. What is the worst possible thing that could happen in this world? The Coronavirus, or by the internationally recognized medical terminology "Kung Flu." In this current society of gullible, overly-excitable lunatics and breaking-news-hungry media systems vying for power, mass hysteria reigns supreme. These factors set the stage for the coronavirus’ takeover of our world and our lives which results in our ultimate suffering.

Contention 1: Possible symptoms

Illness

So how often do people experience a fever and want to do it all over again? The puking, the unattainable pursuit of balanced bodily temperatures, raw throat, and suffocation from barricaded nasal passages. I would think not many would enjoy living through this hell. This is what it feels like if you happen to be one of the unlucky who catches a case of the virus.

Death

Okay, so death. How many people are dying from the Coronavirus?  Not a ton.  Only about 3.5% of cases. Currently, 5,120 people have died so far out of the 139,637.  You may say to yourself, "That is good, right?"  Wrong.  Here is why. 

• Few people enjoy the death of a loved one. So even a marginal percentage of death is monumental if it affects you personally.
• If it doesn’t affect you personally, it WILL affect you personally. You may say “This is what Charles Darwin would have wanted. Survival of the fittest!” But even if you don’t have compassion towards those who are dying, this small percentage of death is going to be extremely annoying to you and will cause you so much insurmountable torment that you will almost wish you HAD caught it and died. I will go into these acts of torture in my following contentions.

Contention 2: Quarantine

Because of these few deaths, the world is going into quarantine.

Extroverts

- are going to suffer excruciating pain from the 3+ weeks of isolation.  Separated from friends, not allowed to interact with society, and told to remain imprisoned in their homes, extroverts will either commit suicide or break the quarantine.  What happens when quarantine is broken has not yet been revealed but the options are grim. Because of the mass hysteria, the lucky extroverts may be shot by either overzealous introverts or government officials trying to contain the situation.  The slightly less lucky ones will catch the virus and die, but the most tortured will get the virus and be locked up without means of escape.  That is what will happen to the extroverts.

Introverts

- Don’t let the introverts deceive themselves.  Their suffering will be great as well.  When they have shot the extroverts, a mark of incredible sin will be burned upon their souls that will grant them access to hell in the afterlife too.  But at the moment, the introverts sit happily in their houses enjoying the peace and lack of obligations with society.  They will continue in this tranquility until the inevitable occurs: they run out of toilet paper.  This leads us to the next contention...

Contention 3: Environmental/Personal impact

Toilet Paper shortage → Over exhausting the nation’s tree supply

• Sore Bums - In the middle of the mass hysteria, stores all across America are running out of toilet paper. It is winter in the top half of the U.S., so few leaves are available to wipe sore bums after the diarrhea blow-out that is sure to accompany the stomach of anxiety associated with buying into the media’s overhype of the coronavirus. This impact will only last as long as the lack of toilet paper does.
• TREES WILL DIE. Since the world demands more toilet paper, more must be produced. Therefore more trees will die. When more trees die, less oxygen will be in the air for us to breathe. Breathing will be harder, making life a bit more unpleasant, but sadly, it will not be enough to kill us before the rest of the torment ensues.
• Trash overload - The toilet paper rolls can be burned to get rid of them, but the plastic wrappers will litter the landfills (If the garbage services continue to run)

More Canned goods

• Hunger is an issue during quarantine. People will be buying more preserved food. More cans to litter the world is not good for the environment.

Contention 4: Economics

Once we get out of this mess, if we do before we die of the coronavirus or boredom, our our world will be so broken financially

Stock Market Crash

• Does the U.S. want a repeat of the 08’ market crash of the Great Depression? No. People further entrenched in a panic -- not good.
• Companies will no longer be able to raise as much money selling stock and may have to cut back on paying their CEOs as much money growth and expansion. As business leaders become cautious, or "nonessential business" workers are ordered to stay home (meaning they won't be spending money on "nonessential" frivolous things like perhaps rent, utilities and fancy cell phones) the economy will slow and unemployment will go up, leaving people without jobs. Poverty and hunger rates will spike once the supplies that the closed restaurants have donated to the food banks run out and small business operating on shoestrings cannot pay their employees or lay off employees permanently. One possible exception is plasma donors, who routinely get paid about a quarter of what everyone else gets paid for a day's work, including those on minimum wage. Stock values in toilet paper companies, makers of hand sanitizers and disinfectant products, and medical suppliers will go up however as prices soar from scalpers and profiteers buying massive quantities in bulk and selling these supplies to the highest bidder. After all, the point of capitalism is that we have the freedom...to make money.

People out of jobs/ monetary opportunities

With colleges and schools closing, concerts being shut down, restaurants out of customers, people will be out of jobs for a while which will set them back financially.

• Housekeeping at college - a short timeline for continued work
• Dj’s at sports events, concerts, the Celtic Ball limited work opportunities
• Fast food employees, bartenders, waiters, and waitresses out of jobs. Sorry, if you want to comfort yourself with a cold beer, you have to get it out of your own fridge, and if you want a fancy cocktail, you better have a fancy fully stocked bar at home. If you don't know how to cook, you better learn fast.
• No more cool tattoo designs done for the next month or two...or longer. Sorry, you cannot have your ink.
• Bad hair month for everyone since all the barbers and hairstylists are closed. Hopefully, you already have your own haircutting equipment by now, since all the beauty supplies shops are closed too.
• College students with jobs on campus, especially the ones running the coffee shops.
• Athletes at risk of losing scholarships and sport event cancellations result in lack of monetary income.
• Personal trainers at gyms and lifeguards at swimming pools: So much for exercise and fitness being healthy for you: Maybe you should go walk your dog instead. Because pets are actually healthier for you than exercise.
• Anyone whose name begins with A, B, C, D, E, F, G, or H, who cannot work from home.
• Anyone whose name begins with I, J, K, L, M, N, O, or P, who cannot work from home.
• Anyone whose name begins with Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z, who cannot work from home.
• Anyone whose name does not end in PA-C, LPN, RN, or MD.
• Scout members who can no longer sell popcorn, calendars, or cookies door to door or in front of stores.
• Coffee shops that don't offer delivery or take out services: So much for eating your breakfast or lunch at the coffee shop, and so much for your morning coffee: Guess you'll be sleeping in today, or else you have to make your own coffee, preferably flavored with cocoa mix if you are craving that mocha.

Contention 5: Racism (?)

See racism.

During these 'unprecedented times', people find others to blame for this plight. So much blame and discomfort that more people are being killed by people rather than the virus itself. Well, what is better than death itself?

Contention 6: Bigger population in Hell

Disillusionment of hell

- many people don’t believe in hell after death. Why would they believe in anything worse than the torture they are already living in? The people who don’t currently know about Christ and salvation will have little hope of learning more with the quarantine in place and churches shutting down. Not only is the virus forcing many to suffer, it is condemning many more to die without hope of learning about salvation, where they will be dancing to "Disco Inferno", "The Roof is on Fire" (with the first three or four minutes missing from the track), "Burning Down the House" and "Fire" by Barns Courtney on endless repeat in the afterlife. On the positive side, you will have fewer Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, political campaigners, Satanists, predatory vampires, and/or random solicitors knocking on your door or using you as a test subject on a bus, using high-pressure sales techniques to sell you something you don't want to buy.

Conclusion

The sudden death of a magnetic pulse would be much preferable to this horrible suffering at the hands of human irrationality. How long will this take to occur? How inevitable is it? We are living in this hell. How long will this last? The end of this torment is nowhere in sight. Until then, we must continue to live in this wretched state of confusion and torture.

If all the above did not convince you, take that: You would not need to read all these pessimist bullshit if no COVID. I guess we have a winner now.

  COVID-19