UnNews:California officials declare Elon Musk's ego essential
Thursday, May 14, 2020
Officials of Alameda County, California have determined that Tesla Führer Elon Musk can continue operations at his Fremont, California labor camp. This comes after the county had judged the labor camp, which produces Tesla cars, human misery, and sustains Elon Musk's ego, to be non-essential. Führer Musk continued operations anyway, risking a fine of $1,000 per day for violating the county's orders and prompting Musk to admit he had never seen dollar amounts with only three zeroes before.
"The coronavirus is very dangerous for our vulnerable profits," a concerned Führer Musk told UnNews. When asked if the company would offer testing for its employees, Musk reassured us, "Yes, we're still drug testing our slaves - erm, I mean employees," before taking another hit from a bong for his Twitter fans.
Prior to the decision, Führer Musk was told by California health officials that resuming operations at his Tesla plant would endanger thousands of workers and the community. Musk's ego, fueled by a fawning media, his executive compensation package, hair plugs, and rechargeable batteries, disagreed. Tesla threatened employees that failure to return to work and get coronavirus could make them ineligible for unemployment benefits, while Führer Musk personally went on Twitter to call everyone who criticizes him a pedophile.
Musk also described the county's stay-at-home order as "fascism" and "pedophilia" for not giving people the freedom to die from coronavirus. Musk's company sued the county government and threatened that he would probably move operations out of California because government officials there keep wrongly insisting ridiculous things like "health" and "safety" are more important than him.
County officials then folded, begging Führer Musk for forgiveness and sending him a strongly worded letter complimenting his hair, his genius, and congratulating him on the recent birth of his child, Model #SR~71ΨΘZ9й.
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