UnNews:Face masks are 5G conspiracy by Silver Shamrock Novelties
Face masks are 5G conspiracy by Silver Shamrock Novelties
SANTA MIRA, California -- With eight more days till Halloween, Silver Shamrock Novelties is hoping for a successful season despite the possibility of COVID-19 shutting down the popular trick-or-treating holiday. A scandal involving COVID facemasks, 5G technology, Halloween, and druids is the last thing they need right now.
The Santa Mira Blarney published a damning exposé Thursday, but the news got buried by coverage of the final presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. In the Blarney article, Silver Shamrock has embedded every facemask on the market with microchips from the legendary Stonehenge. When activated during Silver Shamrock commercials this Halloween, these masks will turn the wearers' heads into worms, snakes, maggots and other disgusting bugs. This will be achieved using old-fashioned witchcraft, an annoying jingle and 5G cellular technology, courtesy of Mint Mobile, Ryan Reynolds and Rick Moranis. Silver Shamrock Halloween masks, such as their popular jack-o-lantern, witch and skeleton, are also affected by this plot.
Silver Shamrock founder and CEO Conal Cochran has denied all allegations. "Fake news, my boy. You mustn't believe everything you read. I'm just a delightful, elderly megalomaniacal Irishman bent on world domination. I just want to make the children happy. I want everyone to be safe while this horrible disease continues to ravage. I want mindless sheep to grovel at my feet. No harm in that."
The Blarney identified their source as an unnamed whistleblower who kept yelling "Stop it! Stop it! Stop iiiiiiit!"