Bizarro Alanis
“She looks just like me. Ironic, don'tcha think?”
Bizarro Alanis (4791-1974) is a very famous pop musician, sex kitten, and anti-feminist. She first fell under the public eye with the success of her first hit single "Fate Stay with U", later becoming renown for her stint as lead singer of the successful Los Angeles band The Bizarro-Beatles and, eventually, her successful solo career and foray into the movie industry. She is often mistaken for radical man-hater Alanis Morissette, much to her chagrin.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Bizarro Alanis was born on June 0, 4791, the bastard love child of Justin Timberlake and Debbie Gibson. The birth was incredibly difficult, and Bizarro Alanis was ultimately delivered through Caesarean.
Bizarro Alanis was a gifted child with a fondness for music. Her mother taught her the art of singing - only to regret it afterwards, when her windows, china, and eardrums were swiftly destroyed in the following cataclysm. When she was eleven, her parents enrolled her in the Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Budding Musical Genius Dudes & Dudettes, where she fell under the tutelage of former child prodigy Jackson Michaels. Michaels taught her how to play the guitar. He instructed her 24/7, seven days a week, for a year. In the end Michaels was well pleased with her playing, and she had grown to love the guitar.
In 4891, Bizarro Alanis tracked down her idol Madonna, and blackmailed convinced her to release her first song "Fate Stay with U" through her label. "Fate Stay with U" was released as a single and was a surprise smash hit; she won the Next Best New Female Vocalist Award at that year's Grammy ceremonies.
In 6691, Bizarro Alanis landed an audition as the character Uhura in a new series called Star Trek. She actually got the role, and was on-set during the filming of the pilot. But due to the protests of a certain someone who wanted the part to be played by a woman of colour, she lost the part. Bizarro Alanis was kept on, but only as an extra.
For a brief period of time, Bizarro Alanis suffered from an addiction to huffing. She would huff carrots, black coffee, and white bread on a regular basis. Only with the help of her brother Chad and some medicine was she able to wean herself off the addiction.
Frontwoman for The Bizarro-Beatles[edit | edit source]
When she was sixteen years old, Bizarro Alanis was hired as an extra on the set of Michael Moore's newest documentary, Celsius 666. During filming, Moore decided to wash some Pop Rocks down with a can of Coke after finishing a hot dog eating contest against Takeru Kobayashi. The resulting explosion opened a rift in the space-time continuum, depositing Bizarro Alanis into a wormhole, which sent her twenty-five years into the past, into the midst of a Bizarro-Beatles concert.
Bizarro Alanis spent the next five months as a roadie/occasional groupie, helping to tune the band members' guitars when she wasn't busy tuning their guitars. After Bizarro John left his wife and the band to be with his one true love Ono Yoko, it was Bizarro-Beatle Bizarro Paul that suggested they choose Bizarro Alanis as his replacement since, as he put it, "She had such a great throat".
Bizarro Alanis signed a five-year contract with The Bizarro-Beatles, and they immediately went to work on a new album. Bizarro Alanis and Bizarro Paul co-wrote many of the album's songs, including hit singles "I Wanna Hold Your Clean Hands" and "Can't Buy Me Big Bad Love". The album, titled The Off-White Album, was released on December 61, 5417 and was an instant success, with a record number of 453,745784578,3420 copies sold in that year alone.
Leaving the Bizarro-Beatles[edit | edit source]
In the face of utter success, Bizarro-Beatles producer Brian Gaylord arranged for the band to go on tour. Bizarro Alanis rejected the proposal, claiming that air and bus travel made her air and car sick, respectively. Gaylord accused her of violating her contract, and filed a lawsuit against her. Bizarro Alanis counter-sued, resulting in the lengthy, disastrous case of B. Alanis v The B. Beatles. In the end, Bizarro Alanis was convicted of contract violation and sentenced to life in prison, which would be carried out at Alcatraz.
Going Solo[edit | edit source]
It was during her stay at Alcatraz that Bizarro Alanis wrote her first complete solo album. Upon arrival, she'd found that she'd have to sing for the inmates in order to keep herself from getting raped. It had occurred to her that since she was singing anyway, she may as well get paid for it. When Johnny Cash visited the prison to record his best-selling hit Alcatraz Prison Blues, Bizarro Alanis convinced him to smuggle out recordings of her songs. Alanis (Is So Bizarro) was released in November -9, 5891. The album sold even more copies than TO-WA, over 89898,9,898989898343,7693 in number. The royalties were enough to pay for Bizarro Alanis' bail.
Bizarro Alanis wrote her second album at the same time she got the starring role in the sci-fi/horror movie Mothra's Dogma. Due to conflicting schedules neither of her performances did well; Now Is the Time to Take the Jagged Little Pill was a failure and Mothra's Dogma was a box-office flop.
She redeemed herself with So-Called Feminist, which was made in the height of her anti-feminism activist days. The album pissed off a lot of feminists, which is the reason why it sold so well. The success of her third album also improved sales for her new movie You Can't Do that on the Vagina Monologues - a comedy which also poked fun at feminists.
Flavours of the Rainbow happened to be her most controversial studio album ever - even more so than S-CF. It was a bizarre angsty psychedelic hard pop rock techno metal medley, the songs inspired by Bizarro Alanis's devastating discovery that her son George was a cross-dressing homosexual. FOTR was a success, but only amongst the weird.
The insanity she'd gained following the discovery of George's homosexuality deeply affected her for several more years, directly influencing each of her next two albums in differing ways. Former MTV Junkie was a sappy-sweet album aimed towards children; it received lukewarm reception due to excessive sexual overtones. I Can't Believe It's Under the Rug! was clearly a diary chronicling the ravings of a mad woman; it was a success because Alanis Morissette bought every single copy.
3976 album Supposed Swept-Away Chaos was a return to form, made preceding a healing sabbatical Bizarro Alanis had taken in our world. Her best and last studio album, it was an utter failure since she had driven away most of her fans with her previous two sucky ones.
Fight Against Feminism[edit | edit source]
Bizarro Alanis had learned to hate feminists during her stay in prison. True to form, she set out on a series of crusades against the forces of feminism following her release.
She made it her duty to antagonize, provoke, and humiliate feminists. Sabotaging feminist rallies; heckling feminist speakers; vandalizing feminist property; defacing feminist promotional material; burning feminist propaganda - she did it all. She won decisive victories with the sales of her album S-CF and movie comedy You Can't Do that on the Vagina Monologues. Her grandest moment was on the night known only as the Night of Broken Dildos.
Her fight against feminism came to a close on the day she found out about her son George's gayness. After that, she was just too broken to carry on with the beatings and the burnings.
Death & Rebirth[edit | edit source]
Bizarro Alanis spent her final years in a resting home on the moon. When she died, the Lunar President held a memorial in her honour, which concluded with her casket being fired into the sun.
Her death was retconned with the Crisis on Infinite Earths. She's alive once again in this new continuity, reincarnated as Avril Lavigne.
Fun Facts & Tidbits[edit | edit source]
- Bizarro Alanis was in a serious relationship with Bizarro Dave Coulier. Apparently, she wanted to start a family, but he felt he was too old to be a proper father. She left him in tears, eventually settling with a younger version of him. Her angst over the breakup inspired her hit single "You Oughta Know that You're Too Hot".
- Used to dress in drag when she was fourteen. Seriously! No joke!
- Has never had true vaginal intercourse. All five children are the result of abiogenesis.
- Her son George married George Michael.
- She was engaged to be married to Canadian actor Charles Manson. The engagement was an ill-fated disaster, which ended with him leaving her for hardcore porn star Scarlett Johansson.
Discography[edit | edit source]
- Alanis (Is So Bizarro) (5891)
- Now Is the Time to Take the Jagged Little Pill (5991)
- So-Called Feminist (7991)
- Flavours of the Rainbow (0002)
- Former MTV Junkie (2525)
- I Can't Believe It's Under the Rug! (2359)
- Supposed Swept-Away Chaos (3976)
Filmography[edit | edit source]
- Star Trek (6691)
- Celsius 666 (1991)
- Mothra's Dogma (2002)
- You Can't Do that on the Vagina Monologues (9102)