Abiogenesis
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“The aliens made us.”
“I'll get back to you on that when they invent Dark Science. Until then, can't we just blame God?”
“It's lightning striking a mud puddle.”
Abiogenesis or spontaneous generation, after asexual and sexual reproduction, is the third most popular way through which living beings (and maybe ghosts) come into existence, by simply forming from brute matter.
Discovery[edit | edit source]
The discoverer of the phenomena of abiogenesis was the scientist Aristotle, who perceived that living beings are alive, except when they are dead, because they have been accidentally exposed to a vital principle that, apparently, is constantly floating about in the Earth's atmosphere and thus making them alive. When putrid matter, for example, is in intermediate contact with a sufficient quantity of this gaseous element élan vital, it acquires the form of a living organism, such as rats, dogs, flies, worms, and highly infectious zombies. Aristotle also supported his stunning theoretical conjecture by drawing attention to previously unexplained correlations between the lack of breathing and death.
Scientific proof[edit | edit source]
The first known scientific proof of spontaneous generation is recorded in the Bible, where it is said that God spontaneously gave life to Adam (who was previously just a bunch of lifeless molecules of mud lying on the ground not unlike the lifeless molecules our cells are made of, but with more silicon dioxide) via the scientific process of mouth-to-mouth suscitation. It is particularly noteworthy that living beings such as Adam and his kind, even though they are composed solely of animated mud and air, are not quite the same thing as a golem (a popular Jewish delicacy made from disassembled robots).
Failed attempts at scientific disproof[edit | edit source]
Throughout history, hard-core evolutionists have attempted at any cost to disprove spontaneous generation once and for all. In 1865, the Reverend Louis Pasteur (a famous evolutionist who died from acute homogenization) alleged that, under controlled conditions, living beings simply cannot spring alive from mud, putrid matter, or even crucified corpses; but rather that they must all come from their remote ancestors in an immense genealogical tree (cleverly overlooking the logical requirement of spontaneous generation at the root of the tree). Utilizing many gallons of surplus milk and a Van De Graaff Generator™, Pasteur conducted some highly questionable "experiments" that apparently disproved any form of spontaneous generation whatsoever. However, his controversial "results" have long since been exposed by creation science for what they are: a fraudulent misuse of the evil powers of voodoo. Another real use of the evil power of voodoo to disprove spontaneous generation was performed in 1668 by Francesco Redi, an Italian physician and poet. To discredit the fact that maggots could spontaneously arise in rotting meat, Redi placed meat in a variety of flasks. Some of these flasks were open to the air, some were blocked off by gauze, and some sealed off completely. Thus if maggots formed only in the meat accessible to flies then the assertion could be made that maggots only appear with the presence of flies. However Redi had used voodoo taught to him by an evil High Priestess during his stay in Louisiana to create an anti-angel barrier. Without angels to perform the necessary suscitation when God was too busy Redi appeared to be correct. The angels, not wanting to seem inconsistent with what people thought they had observed because that would undermine faith, decided grudgingly never to perform suscitation anywhere adult forms of the life they intended to create were not present.
Hold It Right There[edit | edit source]
Hold It Right There ('HIRT) was an organization devoted to pointing out that, "abiogenesis and spontaneous generation are two completely different things and shouldn't be discussed together except for historical context. Spontaneous generation purposes that materials randomly in a single step process form modern organisms, hence 'spontaneous'. Abiogenesis however is a multi-step process starting with simple organic molecules and progressing to polymers then replicating polymers then hypercycles then protobionts and then bacteria, all done by reactions explainable by chemistry. Its not just some mud puddle getting struck by lightning, and while that is effective at creating life, its not abiogenesis."
After pointing this out, all of the members of H.I.R.T. had the crap beat out of them by angry creationists and evolutionists with nothing better to do. Fortunately before any of the attacking party could make a joke like 'they must be HIRTing now' the angels decided to repeal their ban on unexplainable suscitation. "Just this once, for the good of humanity," as one Seraphim put it. The entire area was quickly swarming with velociraptors. There were no survivors.