Doom .0068

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The UAC, or United Anti-Darwin Crackers, were originally formed by the Catholic Church with the intent of spreading anti-Darwin propaganda in the mid 1600's. Lots of the members of the church were realizing that they evolved from primates, which really shoves a pine cone in the ass of the creation doctrines of the bible. The Darwin philosophy soon became known as Evilution by all parties involved. To counter this new idea, the UAC decided to create a video game simulation of what would happen if people believed in Darwin's ideas, in the hopes that this would scare people back to the primitive teachings of the church. In 1681, before the computer or any video game console had ever been created, the UAC (under the guidance of the Catholic Church) created the very first version of Doom.

Doom .0068 Beta Release[edit | edit source]

Original Doom Castle

The first release of Doom was an immediate huge success. For a graphics engine the UAC performed at total conversion of a vacant castle to create the video game. Cardboard statues were placed all over the castle to simulate monsters. These monsters came in many shapes and colors, and some would throw painted rocks at you. Rope and pulley systems were used to simulate automatic doors, which hidden slaves would open when players of the game nudged them. Many of the floor areas were kept exactly as they were, but some areas were painted red to simulate hot lava, or green to simulate toxic waste. When a player would walk on these painted sections of ground, they would begin to slowly die until they walked off the painted sections. Several other cardboard items besides "monsters" were hidden throughout the castle too. The most notable of these was a black box with a red cross (to remind the player that Jesus died for their sins). This box was filled with a mixture of Speed and LSD. The players' eyes would go bloodshot for a minute and all of the muscles in their body would become temporarily stronger so that they could punch the shit out of the cardboard monsters.

One of the first players of Doom .0068, died within the first five minutes of the game

The game also gave the player some weapons to aid in the journey to Hell. They started with a device called a pistol, and were later able to pick up items like the shotgun, and eventually the BFG (Beatings From God) which would destroy every enemy in the room and serve to demonstrate the power of God. The player was instructed to point the various weapons at the "monsters" and yell "BANG" as loud as possible.

The philosophy behind the game was to show that if people turned to reason instead of faith and embraced Darwin, God would stop protecting them from the evils of Satan and would open teleportation gateways to Hell. The game was a huge success, and threw the world into another 400 year dark age where people were terrified of God's wrath.

Future Doom Revivals[edit | edit source]

Doom .0068 was eventually shut down, as everybody became too scared to play it any more. Church attendance was at an all-time high, and has remained there ever since. Even now that less people go to church on a weekly basis, many are still terrified that Doom will become a reality and they continue to claim to have faith in God. In 1993, after computers had begun to gain consumer popularity, a small team of programmers called ID Software decided to recreate the historical Doom video game. In the spirit of history, the computer game featured a fictitious company called the UAC (Union Aerospace Corporation) who were responsible for opening the gateways to Hell. Most critics credit ID Software for inventing the genre of Historical First Person Shooter video game for their adaptation of Doom. Id had a large Super-Ego from these claims and they decided to create a second Historical FPS called Wolfenstein, to recreate Nazi Germany during World War 2

Ironically, the Church, having forgotten all about their original Doom project in the 1600's, had a very negative reaction to the 1990's computer game. Many religious critics called it a "Mass Murder Simulation", forgetting that it only simulated yelling BANG at cardboard statues. Since the church is primarily full of people with no capacity for intelligent thoughts, many members got the impression that the game was promoting Satanism by displaying Demons and Pentagrams, even though these meant bad things, rather than good. They also didn't like the fact that Hell was destroyed at the end of Doom II. If players started to believe that they had destroyed Satan and all of his minions, they would have no further reasons to follow the church because the fear of Hell would become invalid.