Christianism

“I have been scarred for life by accursed Christianism. May all the devils torment thee, that hath taken away mine own minor pancreas!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Christianism

Christianism (not to be confused with Christianity, a side effect of contact with eldritch entities from beyond spacetime, particularly one who is somehow very moral.) is a contagious disease of the minor pancreas. The afflicted lose all ability to think rationally, use common sense, and in extreme cases, half their IQ.

About

Christianism is a strain of Religion that, like its progenitor, begins in the mind. The virus takes the form of the belief that a cosmic Jewish reality-warping zombie (who's an aspect of his own father, and was born to be executed) can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master. Besides fostering drunken behavior at cheap weddings by turning water into wine, his resume lists the ability to remove evil forces in human bodies present because a rib-woman who was cloned from a caveman was convinced by a talking snake to eat an apple from a magical tree... Anyways, after finishing its growth, Christianism enters the body through brain cells. This strain of Religion is unique in that it doesn't need the participation of the individual.

Symptoms

Patients may present several or all of the following symptoms:

• Loss of musical taste, accompanied by delusions that lighthearted, repetitive feel-good music is rock-n-roll
• Increased paranoia accompanied by delusions of a Satan-Catholic Church conspiracy
• Conviction that their TV is going to devour them at night (Researchers claim that the movies Poltergeist I & II are responsible for this, and that the fear they caused extends far beyond any single religion. Researchers also admitted to encasing their televisions in cement blocks at night.)
• Sudden bursts of singing songs that talk about some Puerto Rican guy named Jesús
• Hallucinations that consist of seeing their money transform into creeping centipedes, and that the only way to get rid of them is shoving them up the asses of the poor and ungodful (they call it charity)
• Allergy to printed paper except to the pages of one book, Ethel the Aardvark, as it is the only book they can read. Christianists believe it contains the celebrated answer to Life, the Universe and everything. They seriously believe that if Ethel the Aardvark did not say so, it doesn't exist
• Chronic masturbation
• A craving to infect the whole world with their condition.

Transmission

This disease can be transmitted...

• By receiving infected food and drink brought by them. Many people from poor communities are infected this way, specially in third world countries like Texas.
• By receiving a transfusion of their blood, which is pink with yellow polka-dots.
• By auditory means, aka hearing the noises that emit from their mouths when they are on podiums.
• Sexually. I think. I am not sure. Well, nobody knows.
• When they get you after they come in hordes tearing up your hometown and screaming for your brains.
• By being bitten by a radioactive asshole.
• 14 gibbons

Facts

• Christianism sucks.
• In Soviet Russia, Christianism worships YOU!!
• Christianists believe in Dog.