Resume

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Good Small.png Nominated Article
This article has been nominated for highlighting on the front page—you can vote for it or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Please see this article's entry.
Creative.jpg
This is not a picture of a resume, but statistics show men need to see a hot chick when it comes to educational topics to maintain interest. This chick is the hottest we could afford to use, and is approved by Skeletor

THE RESUME[edit]

A rezoom (or résumé if you're an anal retentive jerk like those doofuses at Wikipedia) is a brief, organized list of calculated lies, embellishments, and misrepresentations written by desperate persons with the intention of securing employment at any place other than a fast food restaurant or a Supermarket™. It is typically written while currently already employed, and printed and copied on paper stolen from one’s current employer.

The contents of a resume varies, depending on how gullible one thinks one’s prospective new employer is. Once completed, the resume is usually submitted either to one potential new employer at a time along with a separate introductory fraudulent document known as a cover letter; or, alternatively, they are posted on specialized internet sites such as monster.com, where criminals, lunatics and otherwise deranged individuals, can access the resume and harass the author with email about home business ripoffs. Resumes are rarely used by actual businesses as the basis for hiring; most such decisions are based on more solid criteria such as nepotism, race or religious prejudice, or random sexual encounters. Most resumes are used solely by Human Resources departments in companies to justify their existence (and their huge budgets) for receiving, sorting, storing, ignoring and shredding resumes.

The terms "resume" and "CV" are sometimes differentiated. "CV" is an abbreviation for complete version, with a CV typically containing an unabridged listing of the candidate's retrenchments/work history, and a full list of all articles written by authors who happen to have the same surname and initials.

Is a Resume Always Necessary?[edit]

WritingIcon.png

One should always submit a resume whenever seeking new employment. It is often true that menial, unimportant jobs take on an enhanced importance and salary simply due to the applicant’s submission of a polished resume. When reading your resume, your potential employee would like to get to know you, without having to demean themselves by actually asking you, face to face. This tactic is so they can ignore any applicants who who may wish to apply, but are not suited for the position. To explain that method in deeper detail, you must think outside the box. Put yourself in the employer's shoes for just a moment - say you own a company like 7-11. Obviously you will want someone who speaks fluent Hindu or Pakistani to abide to the 7-11 tradition of serving customers in a language they do not understand. Therefore, if your resume is handed to them in English, it will be tossed aside immediately.

However, the upside is you will thus not lower yourself to work for 7-11, so you will obviously be seeking employment with an English-speaking firm, so remember to write your resume in English. This is a very helpful advantage to most employers reading your application. It is also a great way for them to find out if you are qualified, without the intervention of their own personal racial, sexist, bios or monogamist opinions. All of that comes in the one-on-one interview later on.

General Tips For Writing A Resume[edit]

Sometimes a resume can be more effective then the old ways.

Items to include in a typical resume

  • Birth Name and your current alias
  • Gender, if applying for a stereotypically gender-specific job
  • Fraudulent degrees clumsily disguised as genuine
  • Inflated responsibilities at previous jobs (preferably with vague names that sound as if everyone should know them, thus making it impossible for the prospective employer to ask for specifications)
  • Membership in irrelevant, but important or cool sounding organizations
  • Sexual acts you are willing to perform to get/keep the job
  • Expected salary (just to get a laugh out of HR) (if any)

Items to exclude in a typical resume

  • Age (they’ll find out anyway)
  • Race (they’ll find out anyway)
  • Religion (if different from the boss’s)
  • True employment history (obviously)
  • Arrest record (for felonies; misdemeanors like indecent exposure are OK)
  • Hobbies (if they don’t involve kitten huffing)
  • Writing your words in gay glitter writing like you do on Myspace
  • Admitting you like Michael Jackson
  • Your thoughts on American Idol
  • The predictions of the end of the world.
  • Your encounter with an Alien abduction.
  • If you can lick your own elbow
  • Discussing any theory that the more times you run over a cat, the flatter it becomes.

Double-Check

  • Spelling, grammar and punctuation.
  • Coffee stains (absence thereof).
  • You wrote on A4 Paper and not the toilet variety.
  • Easy to read and navigate.
  • Is neat & tidy
  • No booger markings.
  • Contains your penis size/vagina depth
  • No hang-man or tic-tac-toe doodles.
  • Written on white paper, as all employers are known racists.
  • Daytime contact information.
  • If you are willing to sleep with your boss.
  • Inclusion of nude pictures of self (unless you are ugly)
  • A Frog
  • Consistency with full stops at the end of bullet points

Fake-advertisment.gif

Typical-looking Resume[edit]

Resume3.jpg

Resume-header.jpg

EDUCATION


Elementary School (1980-1993)
Springfield, Elementary (Sober)

  • Crayon chewing
  • Glue eating
  • Looking up girls' dresses
  • Paper airplane making

High-school (1993-2005)
Six Sisters Of Absolutely No Fucking Mercy Catholic School (intoxicated)

College School (2005-2005) (shitfaceblind)
Oxford Academy Of Higher Excellence


PROFESSIONAL & PERSONAL QUALITIES


  • Voted Most Likely To Suck Seed In High-School.
  • Excellent handjob skills.
  • Willingness to try new positions.
  • DVDA compatible.
  • Can deep throat up to 9.7 inches.
  • Happy not to work as a team player or on on my own.
  • Always strive to get the job done within the expected time/deadline.
  • Have ways of making annoying colleges disappear without a trace.

HOBBIES & INTERESTS


  • Masturbating
  • Music
  • Porno Videos
  • Sucking off my employers

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY


Salesmen (door-to-door) (2010)
Suck Your Carpet Dry co.

  • Face to Face Advertising
  • Customer Service/Interaction
  • Cash Handling
  • Sales Driving
  • Carpet Destroying

Reason for leaving: My sales pitch consisted of, once a customer opened the doorL stepping into their home and throwing horse-shit all over the floor, while I then guaranteed them, that if this vacuum cleaner did not pick up all that horse shit, I would eat it. However I did not live up to my word when I entered a new-build that did not have electricity yet.

Volunteer (2008)
House of the homeless bums (California)

  • Scooping soup into bowls
  • Handling old farts

Reason for leaving: I was fired when I was serving soup and this old dude was taking forever to move along the line, after I had served his. I simply said to him, "Come on, hurry up, some of us have home to go home to, you know" and gave him ONE gentle kick in the ass.

Luggage Finder (2007)
(self employment)

  • Finding Luggage
  • Taking Luggage Home
  • Pawning Luggage Salvage

Reason for leaving: Airport security has been a bitch ever since 9/11.

Deli Assistant (2006)
Bakers DeShite

  • Cookie Making

Reason for leaving: I was bored of having my face pushed in dough to make the gorilla shaped cookies.

Abortion Clinic Nurse (2006)
(freelance)

  • Use of coat-hanger.

Reason for leaving: It sucked the life out of me.

Master Chef (2001)
McDonalds

  • Spitting in customers food.
  • Painting grill marks on burgers.

Reason for leaving: I was told to leave after a 7-year-old's party; I was to dress as the clown for entertainment, so I made them play a game that is rather like bobbing for apples, only my version was 'find the french-fry in the tub of hot fat.


See also[edit]