Sesame Street

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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sesame Street.
Elmo is by far the most retarded, strange, sick, and nicely perverted thing I’ve ever seen. He could be classified as Syphillis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases.

Oscar Wilde

Sesame Street, originally conceived by Chris Rock and Ice Cube in collaboration with The Notorius B.I.G as N.W.P. (Niggaz With Puppets) and stolen by PBS, is the unofficial name for the South Eastern Slum Amelioration and Migration Initiative (SESAMI), a public housing project initiated by the City of Detroit. Following its inception in 1969, SESAMI degenerated into dangerous neighbourhood backwater. Today it is a notorious haunt of weapons salesmen, drug pushers and ice cream trucks who – despite public outrage – have managed to export their filth through a PBS television program by disguising themselves as horrible monsters who frequent whorehouses, crackhouses and children's daytime schools.

A brief explanation of "Elmo"

Sesame Street is an abnormal children's show.

Elmo (not to be confused with Elko, Hellmo & Dolph Ziggler), originally named Elmore J. Hitler, was raised in the Atlantic north-east by a wealthy family of rabid politicians in suites. After completing high school, Elmore left home to attend the University of Psychadelics in Brooklyn. Elmore showed an early aptitude for learning, and he began to truly come into his own intellectually in college. Unfortunately, college also opened Elmore's eyes to the dark nature of reality, and he became cold, stupid, and cynical. He began to slowly grow hateful and withdrawn, and turned to the natural escapes of the oppressed mind; opiates, and in their most sythesized form. He eventually gave up all hope on life, and attempted to go the way of the great artists, and die by his own hand. In his failure, he realized he need help, and he enrolled himself in a mental health facility. This place turned out to be a top secret government testing facility hidden in the middle of Detroit, known by the code name "Sesame Street". Through arduous years of genetic mutations and governmental "reprogramming" so to speak , Elmore was turned into "Elmo", a smiling simpleton and a form of Emo, subsisting only to aid the cause. Also, Elmo's fur was originly white until he went to a Slayer court where it rained people's blood. People who had committed suicide. This stained Elmo for life. It scarred him too, but it stained Elmo more. It was from this he started up the band "Staind" (Note: Elmo can't spell). "Saint" Elmo needs to be put on FIRE.

Many episodes have dealt with serious subject matter such as The Cookie Monster's drug addiction.

After a brief stay as the lead guitarist for "Staind" Elmo had a legendary fight with fellow band member, and lead vocalist for "Staind", Helen Keller in which an affair between the two was released to the public. Keller finalized the argument with a final stab at Elmo. She is quoted as trying to say, "I faked everyone one." Elmo retorted with, "I didn't even know when you did have one you moaning bitch."

Shortly after the feud, Keller released a sex tape, still popular today, in which Elmo can be seen giving "Colonel Angus" a visit (Keller can be seen moaning with her left hand). Elmo departed back into an apartment in New York City after the release of the video and denied to give a comment to the press. His life was in ruins and no company would hire him after his fiasco with Helen Keller and his blood bath murders.

Elmo began to study time travel on Wikipedia and soon befriended fellow scientist Oscar Wilde whom, along with Elmo, invented a time machine. Elmo was the first semi-intelligent being to travel through time. His destination, the Old South. Elmo returned to some undetermined year in the southern portion of the young United States. After staying there for what he claimed to have been two years, Elmo returned five seconds after his departure time. Wilde, at first, thought the experiment had failed, but upon questioning Elmo procured this story and published it on Wikipedia.

What is believed to be Elmo "riding" Ernie, dressed in "sheriff garb", after traveling back in time to 1790. If this is in fact Elmo the speculators would have been correct in saying Elmo went back to the 1790s because this photo was taken in 1799.

The article was immediately taken down for being fictional, but not before a few hands found it upon the evil, Satan-following Wikipedia. In the article Wilde tells of Elmo's journey and describes the plantation Elmo had established. It had become the largest cotton producing plantation in the South.

On a side note: some speculators speculate that Elmo invented the cotton gin, and that is why his plantation was the most productive. Because of this, it is believed that Elmo traveled to the 1790s and Eli Whitney is believed to be a freed slave of Elmo's who stole the invention and the rest is history.

After returning to the present day, Elmo sought out help from long-time companion and sub Ernie. The flaming homosexual was not the person Elmo originally intended to bring back to the 1790s – Elmo's original choice was Richard Simmons – but the flaming homosexuality of Ernie was a close second. Elmo returned to his southern plantation with Ernie, and there he subjugated him to hard labor and, some speculate, as his personal sex slave. It is unknown whether Elmo was gay, but there is a photograph of what is believed to be Elmo "riding" Ernie.

Elmo's sexuality has always been in question. After his heterosexual fling with Helen Keller Elmo seems to have become homosexual or at least bisexual. He never again had a female sex partner after Keller, and one of his most infamous sex partners after her was Ernie. Bert was furious.

Nowadays, Elmo is on Henry VIII's spoon; it is unknown when he'll be freed.

On MTV

A select scene from the pilot episode of Sesame Street. As you can see, the characters have an obsession of hiding behind a wall, waiting for someone to walk past, then jumping out yelling "penis" into their face.

The idea for the PBS television program "Sesame Street" was born in 1968 when a number of residents of SESAMI bought a street in New York City and began to siphon funds from a local grocery store known only as "Mr. Hooper's Grocery Store" (by then already a front for the distribution of illegal Hawaiian Dutch pizza, which they relocated to the New York City street). The perpetrators of the theft were all Muppets (also known as "Felties"). A modern incarnation of "Felties" can be seen as the Russian Mafia.

The Felties had intended to use the stolen monies to finance the import of crack, vitamins, water and kittens from Wahiawa in Hawaii, through King-pin Jessica F. aka luv. But it was not to be. Jessica F., the mysterious and beautiful King-pin, announced that the funds would be diverted to two new projects, one aimed to corrupt the minds of the young innocents who watched television in diapers everywhere and the other, to fund a trip to New Zealand to see Ryan. Some Felties protested – those who did were promptly killed. In the ensuing power struggle Small Bird, Jango Fett (hired by Small Bird as a mercenary), The Cyanide-Cookie Monster and Kevlar the Grouch were murdered and replaced with Felties loyal to the cause, some replacements were Roundhouse Kid, Black Munky, DCYT and Ginga Fury. (All these were muppets left out during the original auditions for Sesame Street roles.) Hence, "Sesame Street" was born, where only the strong survive and the rest grow up into depressed and suicidal adolescents.

A new look

The "new look" Big Bird

After the producers discovered that the programme was not moving with modern day New York, they decided to go more realistic and urban. Urban language came in to being and the lovable puppets are even involved in gang wars. Also, the Cookie Monster was now fond of "disco biscuits" instead of cookies. Elmo was a pimp and Big Bird was a heroin addict while dealing on the streets. The rest of the cast take part in these acts. Here is the last scene from the tragic final episode.

  • Big Bird: Yo, wazzup mutha fucker.
  • Cookie Monster: Got me my disco biscuits bitch?
  • Big Bird: Na, I ain't into disco biscuits nigga. I'm a hard core coke addict.
  • Elmo: Yo Niggas, anyone seen my bitch lately.
  • Big Bird: Aw man, I forgot to tell you, she's fuckin that Kermit cunt.
  • Elmo: Wait till I get my hands on that fuckin whore! Anyway, Yo seen those faggots Bert and Ernie. They owe me drugs money da bastards!
  • Big Bird: Oh those mutha fuckers went into town earlier. Yo hear that they got a job working together as gay porn stars. Both bummin each other for the camera! Oh Shit Mutha Fuckin Cunts, it's a drive by!

(Bullets ricochet everywhere targeting the characters. Cookie Monster takes cover by hiding in his bin and Elmo jumps out of harms way. Fatally though, Big Bird gets a blow to the head and brain tissue splatters everywhere. Falls to a heap on the floor never to recover. Camera backs off. Credits role without theme music.)

Cast of misanthropes

Oscar the Grouch is the Grand-daddy of pimps on Sesame Street.
Elmo and one of Oscar's rivals. Apparently, having said "I ride on the Plaza Sesamo bus with my cousins and the those children in Mexico everyday," she had to die.
  • Bert and Ernie: This depraved gay couple co-habit on Sesame Street. Known to argue about Rubber Ducky, the street name for cocaine-laced RU486. See also Evil Bert. It is also known that the cookie monster had an affair with Bert, which is why we always find cookie crumbs in his bed. Bert just says it is crap from him. Ernie though, has other ideas. Bert's distant cousins are Bart Simpson and O.J. Simpson.
  • Pastor of Muppets: The pastor of the Sesame Street Church/Monastery, he did everything in his power to help change the ways of the Sesame Street Gang; for this he was awarded the Nobel Priest Prize in 2008.
  • The Cookie Monster: This hardcore chip sniffer will stop at nothing for another hit of sweet, sweet "cookies".
  • Big Bird: A loner, somewhat alienated, he is one of the few decent yet smart people in Sesame Street. Lives by the teachings of Confucius and tries not to become too involved in his fellows' depraved affairs. If anyone was seen being happy in Sesame Street, then he would use his famous quote "proud as a paedophile in a pre-school". Shocked the world after recently announcing that he had bird flu. He said he would keep fighting the terrible disease but didn't know if he'd make it through the next year.
  • Grover: The "King of Crack". Sells everything from Special The Letter K to pixie dust.
  • Kermit the Frog: Investigative reporter and part-time drug trafficker. Has attempted to reveal the corruption in his town, particularly the activities of Bert. Sadly, it is shown that he was into the fruits of corruption himself (there was even a video of him with a sock puppet that would come back to haunt him.
  • Jessica F: Original Producer of Sesame Street, working in co-ordinated effort with director Ryan C. to create the hooligan that is Sesame Street. Both enjoyed listening to Ill Nino, Hatebreed and Slipknot and hence inverted subliminal messages of hatred and destruction into the "innocent" TV plots of the Sesame Street show. For Example, Big Bird is a symbol of the American capitalist system and the Cookie Monster symbolises the bourgeoisie who consume the ideals, profits and commodities of the proletariat through the metaphor of cookies. The Count symbolises the revisionist system under Weber, and is ridiculed as "uncivilised" through his shocking Transylvanian accent and large, uncooth teeth. Kermit the Frog symbolises the homosexuals of the capitalist system. (He is left-handed.) The derogatory term "frog" also insults and degrades homosexuals to the level of Frenchies. The fact that Kermit the Frog engages in dancing and singing reinforces this symbolism.
  • Aloysius Snuffleupagus: Snuffleupagus is currently in his 17th stint in rehab for his career cocaine snorting habit. He released this statement upon entering, "I just feel really good to be going back home, and ... um, I think the 17th time's the charm. I know I said that ... um, about the third time, the seventh time, and when I first hit double digits, but I can smell it this time. Wish me the best, guys."
  • The Count: A victim of obessive compulsive sydrome but don't let yourself be charmed by his miscellaneous accent. Eg vil og ha Sesampoteter This guy's bloodthirsty reputation and OCD ensure that he always does things by the numbers.
  • The Letter E: Available inside virtually every coat on Sesame Street. Not to be confused with , sales of "E" continue to sponsor the show.
  • The letters S & M: The other letters initially respected the diversity of this couple; that all changed when they were found to have a perverse fetish for the letter P.
  • Oscar the Grouch: A pimp. He lives in a trash can with his immense drug stockpile (primarily New York white because Sesame Street's in New York), accountants, pet worm, shed dog hair collection, and NASA satellite technicians.
  • Linda: One of Oscar's accountants. Known for spreading ebola.
  • Slimey: Oscar's "friend" kept tucked away unless he is alone.
  • Elmo: Local celebrity, Elmo is a fluffer in the industry.
  • Abby: The new puppet on the block, if you will.

See also

Preceded by:
Sliced bread