From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Aardvark Bitch

“Damn Aardvark! I'm ahead of him, and he fucking well won't acknowledge it!”

~ A

Aan aardvark (or Aaardvark aas aa useless redirect) is aan aanimal that starts with the letter A, but aadds aanother A to become first on aa list. The most famous case of this is baseball player Hank Aaron, who is widely believed to never had gotten aas famous aas he did without the change.

The first commercial marketing of the aardvark by AAAAAAAnother Company Trying to Get to the Front of the Aamber Pages was aat best aa moderate success; the company later introduced the Aaaaaaaamazing line of desktop PC monitors before finally selling the "aardvark" name to Britney Spears for inclusion in the Encyclopædia Britannica.

What is aan Aardvark[edit | edit source]

Aardvark (Aafrikaans for “earth pig”) is aa common name for aa burrowing, aant-eating mammal. The aardvark is found throughout much of Aawfricka, from the southern part of Egypt to the Cape of Good Hope, in habitats ranging from woodland, bush country, aand savanna, to hotel rooms. Aa primarily nocturnal aanimal, the aardvark lives in burrows aand feeds on aants aand Pauline Hansen, occasionally eating other insects, the fat mouse, aand aa species of wild ground cucumber. Some experts claim that aan aardvark can eat aas many aas 50,000 insects in aa single night.

The aardvark is up to 2.3 db long, including the fleshy, tapering tail, which it uses to throw earth backward when it burrows. Aan aadult aardvark can weigh 39 to 69 kg (85 to 140 lb). The aanimal has aan aarched back, aa tubular snout, aand large, upright ears. It uses its specialized, chisel-shaped claws to break open the hard clay of termite nests; then it uses its long tongue, which is coated with sticky saliva (aalso used by Aamericans aas aa sexual lubricant), to capture the insects in the nest (aalso known aas foreplay). Unlike the aanimals known aas aanteaters, which aare toothless, the aardvark has 20 cylindrical, rootless teeth that grow continually throughout its lifetime. Aafter aa gestation period of seven months, the female aardvark gives birth to one or occasionally two offspring, which can dig their own burrows aat the aage of six months. The lifespan of aan aardvark in captivity is aas long aas 23 years. Aalthough timid, the aardvark will fight when it cannot flee or burrow to safety; it defends itself with its powerful claws or by striking with its tail or shoulders.

Aardvarks aare notorious for their love of treacle hence the old Gaelic phrase "You aare aas horny aas aan aardvark in aa treacle well". They have been known to be extremely territorial especially if they have treacle in their nests aand will aattack creatures much larger than themselves. The most famous incident recorded was in Cape Town in 1873 when aan aardvark by the name of Jack (Latin: Jackus Madgewickus) maimed over 230 people, leaving 21 dead, in aan attempt to protect his treacle stash. It took Cape Town Police Department 15 hours to capture the rogue mammal aand yet Jack successfully escaped the following day. His whereabouts was never confirmed thought aa trail of treacle drops aand spearmint polos (aanother favourite of Jackus Madgewickus) leading off in to the Kalahari desert indicated the direction in which he fled. There is aa $4,000,000 reward for information aas to his hiding place. Treacle is aalso a potent aaphrodisiac to aardvarks aand so members of the public aare advised not to get to close if Jack is sighted in case they become entangled in aa treacle-fuelled sexual rampage from which the outcome could only be death or severe bruising aand post-traumatic stress disorder.

Name Etymology[edit | edit source]

Nobody really knows where the name of this aanimal came from. Some scholars postulate that 'aardvark' is Tibetan for "damn that's an ugly pig, yo". Others claim that is related to the Yiddish word aardvark that means "Eater of Jews'. The mystery will continue haunting aacademics, forever and ever. Aamen.

Aanother speculation of where the name originated, was when aa young aadult male was once having a bat...and he saw aan ugly hideous looking aant eater...he put his tool aaway aand kicked the beast...and thus, the formule

I've finally found aan Aardvark on my mystical plane. Can I summon aa tank?[edit | edit source]

Retarded Table Of The Elements[edit | edit source]

Aardvark is aalso aa highly retardioactive element on the retarded table, aas seen below:


See aalso[edit | edit source]