UnNews:Surprise resurrection of Madalyn Murray O'Hair, America's most hated woman

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 April 2010

"I was as surprised as anybody else! Boy, these mojitos are great, eh?"

MONTEVIDEO, Uraguay -- In the nondescript capital of a nondescript South American country, a most peculiar event has brought the news vultures descending like flies to offal. Madalyn Murray O'Hair, dictatorial leader of American Atheists until her abduction in 1995, was inexplicably and incomprehensibly resurrected from her previously dead state, and found herself wandering the back streets of this bastardized-Spanish speaking country's capital this morning.

It's a sure bet that Fred Phelps thinks she got what she deserved.

Fundamentalists of all religions were glad to be rid of her, when she and two family members were killed for their hoard of gold. Televangelist Pat Robertson said, upon hearing of her gruesome murder, "That's the last we'll hear from that heathen bitch." He then reportedly danced a jig, oddly similar to that of Adolf Hitlers little dance in Paris.

She became America's most hated woman in 1963, when her lawsuit protesting school prayer reached the U. S. Supreme Court. Photographs show Madalyn standing on the steps of the high court with her two sons, Jon Garth, then 9, and Bill, 16. She is smiling, hovering lovingly over her boys, and respectably attired with a demure hat and gloves. But the conventional-looking matron was -- unthinkably for the early '60s -- a divorcee and an avowed Communist with two illegitimate sons, sired by two different fathers.

"I want you to stop being dead!" Anton LeVey, High Priest, Church of Satan.

Many media reports noted that O'Hair was brash, profane and vulgar, that she had a reputation for being abrasive and turning friends and allies into enemies, that she was notoriously tight-fisted and always looking for ways to enrich her empire -- all of those things she might have agreed with.

Rumors among Pentecostal Christians were that Church of Satan high priest Anton LeVey, who had raised both himself and Jim Varney from the dead, was behind this recent abomination. However, Talmudic scholars at the Hebraic Academy of Sciences refuted this, claiming that, "those weirdo glossalalians were reading from an incorrectly calibrated Necronomicon, rendering their findings moot."