Portal:Religion

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The Religion Portal
He knows what you did last thursday

Religion generally involves the following or worship of a creed or deity in which one has optimistically attributed supernatural powers. "True Believers" are often labeled as schizophrenics or having some other neurological disorders in certain scientific-minded and rational circles, although the loudest among them tend to be derided for their poor fashion sense and general smelliness. According to a secular understanding of history, religion was invented by tribal chieftans at least two million years ago in order to control and exploit their fellow tribal members, and it was going strong in the Western World until that separation of Church and State nonsense. In the third world, it's business as usual. God is often portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, although some religions would prefer you not portray him at all.

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This girl at my school is a Fundagelical Christian or something like that. She always wears these shirts that say "God will save you" which I know is bullshit, because that God dude didn't do shit to save me from getting caught by the cops for putting that Hamster in the microwave at the gas station down the street. Hey, the sign said "Free for use", it's not my fault they didn't specify the use. And anyway, I don't see the need for handcuffs. It's not like it was my hamster in the first place. Fundagelical Christians are also often seen with bumper stickers saying such messages as "Jesus loves you" and have that stupid little fish logo. They are responsible for any corny sayings with the word "Jesus" or "God" in them But I'm wandering from my main point, which is that Fundagelical Christianity is very confusing.

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American Fundie Magazine (often written in all-caps as AFM), the magazine for "True Christians™", was formed to cater to the needs of the modern biblical fundamentalist. By "modern" they mean "well before the Enlightenment", or as it says at the top of the Editor's page, "Because God Loved the Dark Ages". The publishers of AFM felt that the views of America's oppressed Christian majority weren't getting out, so the magazine was started just for them. By "just for them" they mean the extreme right edge of American Christian society, the edge that knows an appropriate Scriptural quote for any occasion but chooses to ignore the useless and foolish good bits like forgiveness and humility and instead focus on the "I'm chosen, so "F" y'all" nature of the Old Testament.

Written by Modusoperandi
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Jesus survived 40 days in the desert, thanks to his trusty M-16.
Image by Sog1970
Religion in the News
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EARTH, Sol System – The Rapture, long awaited by people who don't want to hang around to see how it all turns out, finally occurred this morning, catching even the most militant biblical literalists by surprise. At approximately two o'clock (GMT), various body parts of pious citizens across the globe simply disappeared.

"Yeah, my bad." apologized the archangel Michael at the post-Rapture press conference. "It's a numbers thing, you see. We'd initially planned for 144,000 male Jewish virgins 'plus guest', making for a maximum total of less than 300,000 people, body and soul." Industry, transportation and communications worldwide were interrupted after bits of people were raised bodily up to Heaven to be with our LORD. Period keys on keyboards, for example, remained unpushed for the better share of a day after the third fingers of typists departed the right hands to which they had previously been permanently attached, leading to many run-on sentences with no end in sight...

Written by Modusoperandi
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Did You Know?
  • ... that as part of their faith, Jehova's Witness members are sent to a community college to harass passers-by?
Further Reading
Beings, Prophets & Deities
Abu Hamza • Adam • Adam and Eve • Adam Smith • Agnostic • Allah • Angels • Angry Atheist • Anti-Baker • Anti-God • Anti-Muhammed • Antichrist • Azathoth and Nyarlathotep • Baal • Bahá'í • Baphomet • Baptists • Bible Thumper • Bibleman • Bill (son of God) • Bill Bennett • Brian of Nazareth • Brian Tamaki • Cat-tholic • Cliff Richard • Cthulhu • Cyborg Jesus • Cyborg Judas • Dark Lord • Demons • DinoJesus • Ed MacMahon • Ehtheists • Eucharist • Evil Jesus • Father Christmas • Fred Phelps • Ganesha • Gay Jesus • George Hammond • Gnostic • God 2.0 • God Steiger • God/Funny version • God/Unused • God: The Interviews • God-Fearing Republicans • God-Fearing Republicans • Gods • Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want • Gumby • Guy Fawkes • Heretic • Hermaphrodite • Hezbollah (Humanitarian Movement) • Hieronymus Bosch • His Holiness, the Dalai Lama • Ignatius of Loyola • Jamshid Bauerdinedshad • Jebus • Jedi • Jehovah • Jehovah's Witness • Jehovah's Witnesses • Jeohovas witness • Jerry Falwell • Jesus 2.0 • Jesus and the Miracle 5 • Jesus Christ - Alcoholic • Jesus Fucking Christ • Jesus Hasselhoff • Jesús • Jew/Classic • Jew • John Travolta • JR "Bob" Dobbs • Judas Eukaryote • Kaspar Hauser • Keanu Reeves • Khalil Gibran • Loki • Martin Luther King Jr. • Maximus the Lesser • McJesus • Mentalist • Mexican Jesus • Moloch • Monk seal • Monk • Mormons • Muslim • Nega-Pope • Nun • Odin • Pagan • Pelé • Pope Anacletus • Pope Linus • Pope Peter • Protestant • Quakers • Ramayana • Rambo • Ramtha • Raptor Jesus • Ray Comfort • Republican Jesus • Robert Tilton • Saint Augustine • Saint • Samurai Lincoln • Santa Claus • Satan • Shirley Phelps-Roper • Shirley Temple • Søren Kierkegaard • St. Belia • St. Bernard • Stan • Sweet smoking Jesus • Tao jones • The God Couple • The Holy Ghost • The Holy Goh • The Holy Rock • The Holy Spirit • Theist • Thetans • Tooth Fairy • Walpurga (saint) • Wild Jews • Zombie Jesus
Cod God, actually just an aimbotter
Beliefs, Doctrines & Isms
Afairyism • Agnosticism • Allah's law • Aniassism • Apatheism • Anti-Semitism • Atheism • Atheism (religion) • Atheist Doctrine • Bassism • Beer • Bonerism • Bracketology • Buddhism • Catholicism • Celestial Teapotism • Christianism • Christianity • Colloquialism • Colonialism • Confucianism • Confusionism • Courtnology • Creationism • Darwinism • Determinism • Discordianism • Duckism • Eastern Unorthodox • Eggnogsticism • Eleven Commandments • Fecundism strategy • Freeslam • • Godwins Law • Goth • Greek mythology • Hebrew • Hinduism • Holy Bible: Revised Liberal Edition • Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition • Homosexuology • Horoscopes • httpism • Islam • Jainism • Jesus theory • Jewish Dietary Laws • Jizzlam • Judyism • Kabbalah • Linguistic Creationism • Ludism • Lutheranism • Magic Pantheism • Magnetism • Monotheism v 4.3 • Musicology • Neo-Confusionism • New atheism • Oprahism • Pantheism • Papercupism • Patellaology • Pieism • Ponyism • Protestantism • Quakerism • Qu'ran • Rick James Version of the Bible • Sack Religion • Sadism • Santaism • Santanism • Satanic Bible • Science • Scientamish • Scientology • Scientosophy • Soonerism • Sporkism • Stalinism • Supercalifragilisticexpialidociousism • Tao • Televangelism • The Book of Moron • The gospel according to Jim • The Tao of Pooh • Theology • Torah • Totally Torah: Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers. • Totally Torah: Genesis • Unitarian Universalism • Veggiestrology • Voidism • Walkentology • Whitism • Wicca • Wikipedianity • Zombie Christianity
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Concepts & Ideas
99 Lives • 10,000 days • Amen • B4 • Bad Religion • Barbie doll worship • Beatlefication • Belief • Black Metal • Bonsai • Brahmin • Canonization • Change • Christian Metal • Christian Science • Confession • Coprophilia • Deviled eggs • Devilution • Divine Retribution • Eris (Space) • Evil • Existence of God • Existence • Faith • Feng shui • Freedom of Expression • Freedom of speech • Fuck it • Garden • Genesis • Global Panic • God Hates Australia • God Hates Fags • Godboost • God's masturbation • Heck • Heresy • Holiness • Holy • Holy cock • Holy Grail • Intolerance • Jewish History • Jewry • Karma • KoShare • Kosher • Malevolent Design • McWorship • Meaning of life • Mega Drive • Miracles • Multi religion switching • Necrophilia • Nintendo Eightfold Path • Nun accelerator • Occult • Organised religion • Original sin • Plan B • Playing God • Praise The Lord • Prayer • Prophecy • Schroedinger's Jesus • Seven ages of man • Sin • Soul • Spiritual • Splenda • Stigmata • Ten Commandments • Ten General Commandments of All Humanity • The Seven Not-So-Deadly Sins • The Ten Commandments Of Jedi Order • The Ten Commandments • The Ten Plagues of Egypt • The X-Files • Thee • Trinity • Virtue • Unintelligent Design • Yet another Jew trick
Events, Holidays & Eras of Importance
A proper Christian burial • Armageddon • Baptise • Chronikkah • Creation • Cthulhu Day • Damnation • December 21, 2012 • Doomsday • Easter of the Living Dead • Exorcism • First Communion • God v. Nietzsche • God v. Nietzsche • God vs. New York • Holy Week • Mass (church) • Passover • Premarital wanking • Presentation of the Lard • Reincarnation • Religious relic trading • Sacrifice • Salvation • Sermon • The Flood Trial • The Great Flood • The Rapture • The Second Coming • War on Science
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Organizations, Groups & Places
A.R.C. • Bible belt • Cheetahs Gentleman's Club • Christian Right • Church • Church of Architect • Church of Awesomeness • Church of Buffy • Church of Golly • Church of Later Day Saints • Church of Michael Jordan • Church of Nihilism • Church of Ross • Church of Sony • Church of the facts of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples • Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc • Cult • Cult of Apple • Cult of Relativity • Dark side • Dashboard Confessional • Episcopal Church • Family First Party • First Fundamentalist Church of Skepticism, Reformed • Grammatical Pantheon • Great Commission Ministries • Holy Market • Intelligent Design By Committee • Kansas Board of Education • Landover Baptist Church • Manic Street Preachers • Moomon Church of His Spaghettiness • Mosque • Mosques • Mount of Venus • Neon Genesis Evangelion • Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God • Phantasy Star Online • Purgatory • Reformed Church of Alfredo • Salisbury Cathedral • San Andreas Fault • Seventh Day Adventist Church • Society of Jesus • Soul market • St. Peter's Basilica • Stairway to Heaven • Talibanland • That 700 Club • The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy • The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips • The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks • The Church of Tyra • The Church • The Fundamentalist Church of Megan Fox • The Second Coming Project • The Vatican • Theocracy • United Church of Awesome • Worshippers of the Absolutely Amazing Electric Jellyfish • Wu-Tang Clan
Every God-fearing Christian hates Uncyclopedia
Religion Related Articles
Allah: The Annotated Version • Bible Adventures • Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems • Cthulhu v. Japan • Holy Habits: Lingerie for Nuns • HowTo:Be a Good Catholic • HowTo:Believe in ALLAH! • HowTo:Find God • HowTo:Start a Religion • If Jesus had lived in America • Is the bear a Catholic? • It takes a good Muslim to work out good Islamic jokes • It's hard out here for a pimp • Jew Beanie • Lo Pan's Razor • Macintosh is Satan • Oh my God! You're going to Hell! • OMG! • Passion of the Christ • Passion of the Christ 2 • Reasons to become an atheist/The Dead Serious Scrolls Version • Reasons to become an Atheist • Requiem Republicam • Shroud of Napkin • Space Opera in Scientology • Ultimate Question • Unfomercials:Religious Leader Trumps • Unquotable:God • What was God thinking!? • Wheel of Deities • Why?:Join a Satanic cult • Why?:They Hate Us? • XBible 360
Vaguely Religious Miscellany
CD • Cell division • Discalced Carmelites • Doom .0068 • Duct tape • Fitna • Fourier Transform • Gah • Gerin oil • Gud • Hardline • Hedgehog • Hedwig and the angry inch • Herpes • Hi-fi • Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems • Horn Book • Hyena blazing • Intelligent Falling • Irreducible complexity • ITSCON • IWETHEY • Klestosapharot • Male Reproductive System: Attorney At Law • Mazda • Megatron • Mono • Mose • N00bl3ss3 0bl1ghey • New Clothes, (Emperor's), The • Noddy • Pascal's wager • PgUp • Picnic • Poutine • Rapist • Red Scapular • Shinto • Sith • Smart • Smeg • Socialist Alternative • Solid Gold • Stem cell • Taking Back Sunday • Teacher • Technocracy • Tehran • The Baker • The Divine Comedy • The Force • The History of The World, Condensed Into One Uncyclopedia Article • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy • The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia • The Midnight Sun • The Pilgrim Fathers • Threesome • Tibet • 'Til Eulenspiegel's merry pranks • Tourette's Syndrome/Amish • Tsathoggua • Twenty two • U2 • Uncyclopedia:Bad Right Wing Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense • We Are Scientists • Walpurgisnacht • Xenu • Yad • Yah-Weh-Oh! • Yenta • YHWH • Yiddish • You have two cows/19 • YWAM • Zephyr • Zoroaster • Zoroastrian • Zucchini
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