Portal:Religion

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The Religion Portal
He knows what you did last thursday

Religion generally involves the following or worship of a creed or deity in which one has optimistically attributed supernatural powers. "True Believers" are often labeled as schizophrenics or having some other neurological disorders in certain scientific-minded and rational circles, although the loudest among them tend to be derided for their poor fashion sense and general smelliness. According to a secular understanding of history, religion was invented by tribal chieftans at least two million years ago in order to control and exploit their fellow tribal members, and it was going strong in the Western World until that separation of Church and State nonsense. In the third world, it's business as usual. God is often portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, although some religions would prefer you not portray him at all.

Featured Article
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The Ark of the Covenant is a moderate sized piece of Acacia wood furniture, referred to in the Bible. It's basically a large, ornate storage box which employed the use of two poles in order to carry it - allowing the Israelites to haul Moses, Aaron and God's stuff around. Chariots had been invented by 3000 BC, so the lack of a couple of wheels in the design suggests it contained a mystical force-field capable of defying gravity and being used as a secret weapon. After leaving Egypt pursued by Pharaoh's bill collectors, the Israelites may have had some sort of encounter with aliens, sub-edited out of the Bible, or detoured via Atlantis - see paperbacks in any bookstall with a Legends and Mysteries section. But the official version is the Ark's construction was commissioned by God and the winning bid was received from Moses & Sons, Makers of Fine Furniture®. After its manufacture, God communicated with Moses through the speakerphone on the Ark's cover.

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Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the official mascot for the Church of Later Day Saints, a satirical parody of the Roman Catholic Church (as if the Catholics weren't funny enough). He is essentially the same as regular Jesus, only he happens to be blonde and 100% pure, red-blooded American (not to be confused with Stephen Colbert). Disgruntled fans consider him an expanded Universe addition only, and discount that Jesus ever had blonde hair, since he was a Palestinian Jew and all. Shortly after his death, Jesus walked (his airline miles had expired) to America and brought his zombie wrath to the Indians, who called themselves Native Americans.

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"And yea, God did provide Happy Meals unto them, for they were the hungry 5000. And blessed were the free toys... McCheese 15:24"
Religion in the News
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BRISTOL, England - George Fasarta, the Bristolian who claimed to have found God, has been charged with ‘Wasting Police Time’ by local police. Excitement spread all around the Christian world last week, as it was reported that Fasarta, a 42-year-old baker from the north of the city, had definitely located the Almighty who had been missing/presumed dead for almost 2000 years. But now police say they believe Fasarta was simply an attention seeker who repeatedly changed his story.

"His directions to God’s supposed location kept changing every time we asked him," commented Detective Superintendent Bob Watcher. "In his initial statement, he simply said that God was everywhere. When we asked him to be more specific, he pointed out the window and said 'in the trees' before further announcing, 'he's in this room, he's in the air that I breathe, he's in me, he's in you.'"

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It's a miracle
Quote of the Day
Did You Know?
  • ... that every society has the same fundamental creation mythos: a giant snake pooped out the universe?
  • ... that as part of their faith, Jehova's Witness members are sent to a community college to harass passers-by?
  • ... that as part of their faith, Jehova's Witness members are sent to a community college to harass passers-by?
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