Portal:Religion
Religion generally involves the following or worship of a creed or deity in which one has optimistically attributed supernatural powers. "True Believers" are often labeled as schizophrenics or having some other neurological disorders in certain scientific-minded and rational circles, although the loudest among them tend to be derided for their poor fashion sense and general smelliness. According to a secular understanding of history, religion was invented by tribal chieftans at least two million years ago in order to control and exploit their fellow tribal members, and it was going strong in the Western World until that separation of Church and State nonsense. In the third world, it's business as usual. God is often portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, although some religions would prefer you not portray him at all.
In the beginning, God, who is sometimes called Yah-Weh-Oh, or just Yahweh, made everything! Pretty cool, huh? Even more amazing he created everything in six days and a long long long long long long long long long long time ago. That means what they tell you at school is a hoax! Have you guys ever made anything cool, like a cool model airplane? Imagine making a whole model world! Pretty sweet huh? God just turned on his super-powerful computer and designed the entire world in six days! And you know what he did on the seventh day? He just chilled. That's pretty cool! He made Adam and Eve, too, and put them in Paradise. But there was trouble brewing. You see, when Adam was made, Satan-os, a very evil sorcerer, tried to kill him. Ever since, he's been seeking his revenge on Adam.
American Fundie Magazine (often written in all-caps as AFM), the magazine for "True Christians™", was formed to cater to the needs of the modern biblical fundamentalist. By "modern" they mean "well before the Enlightenment", or as it says at the top of the Editor's page, "Because God Loved the Dark Ages". The publishers of AFM felt that the views of America's oppressed Christian majority weren't getting out, so the magazine was started just for them. By "just for them" they mean the extreme right edge of American Christian society, the edge that knows an appropriate Scriptural quote for any occasion but chooses to ignore the useless and foolish good bits like forgiveness and humility and instead focus on the "I'm chosen, so "F" y'all" nature of the Old Testament.
BNEI BRAK, Israel – Local conservative rabbis are sick with worry, anxiety and unease at the increasing popularity of practical, comfortable fashions; more so even than the worry, anxiety and unease that causes their usual kvetching. After much bickering they have responded with the tact, sensitivity and delicate touch for which fundamentalists of all stripes are known; by burning down stores that sell offensive clothing and spraying bleach on women that Rabbi Yosef Elyashiv refers to as "...those nasty whores with their whore legs, whore skin and whore bulges. Whores!".
Throughout this tight knit Israeli city, recently hung posters urge women to buy only appropriate Tanakh-approved clothing. The notices, approved by local ultra-Orthodox rabbis, forbid women from wearing anything that could possibly be considered sexy, including skirts cut above the ankle, open-toed shoes, toed shoes, and shirts that reveal all, part, or none of a woman's cleavage. Red colored clothing of any kind is also forbidden, as a girl in a red dress is <expletive> hot.
- A slice of toast seen on the face of Jesus (Pictured)
- Devoutly gay man feels conflicted after admitting attraction to Christianity
- Pope John Paul II posthumously wins Monsignor Universe beauty contest
- Global faith crisis after miraculous resurrection of Madalyn Murray O'Hair, America's "most hated woman"
- Outrage over practice of throwing virgins into volcanos in India
- Meditated Buddhist monks accused of sleeping on the job
- The Heavens rejoice as Dow Jones market index surpasses 14,000
- Shock as God admits: "I experimented with evolution"
| “ | Eh, it's fine, really. No big deal. I'm not offended. | ” |
— God on Apatheism
| ||
- ... that getting into Heaven is so easy, it would be presumptuous of me to even tell you?
- ... that Voidism, or Śūnyatā, is a concept in Buddhism, Hinduism and Jainism which most Westerners tend to a-void?
- ... that the theory of Intelligent Design can be easily debunked by looking at a platypus?
- ... that Guru Maharaj Ji claimed to be a glorious combined incarnation of Mahatma Gandhi and Humphrey Bogart?
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