Albania

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This article pokes fun at Albanians.

Balkan hotheads that they are, they might want to crush Uncyclopedia. The EU doesn't like that. Neither does George W. Bush. If you are an Albanian hothead, please be an Albanian coolhead and take this article with a grain of salt, or a slice of petë me presh.
The main contributor to this article is an Albanian.
Please don't kill him.

“I gave them water, but they didn’t like it. I gave them oil, but they laughed at me. I gave them beaches, mountains and lakes, but they looked down on me. Then I sent George W. Bush, and they’re all happy now.”

~ God on Albanians

“I’ve never felt this way before.”

~ George W. Bush on being loved

Tribes of the Double-headed Eagles and People United Straight Population of Europe The Glorious Nation of Anti-Serbia
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: Dude, where's my car?
Anthem: Anthem of Albania Greatest Nation
Capital	Tea'-rana (de jure), Washington, DC (de facto)
Largest city	Jerusalem, new East Albania
Official language(s)	Albanian (500 dialects)
Government	pseudo Democratic Parliamentary Kingdom
‑ President	Agron Vokshi
‑ spam page owner	Miti Spam on instagram dot com
National Hero(es)	Skanderbeg, Mother Teresa, John Cena (Gjon Qenani), Gjergj Nikolla , all the Croatians, King Arben, Queen Agron
Declaration  of Independence	1110
Currency	Serbian organs from 1998–1999, hashish, Mercedes
Religion	2% Muslim, 8% Jew, 90% Christian, 100% secular
Major exports	Kidneys, drugs, sherbet-soaked desserts, raki rrushi, asylum seekers
Major imports	Everything but air
Favourite  pastime	Gossiping, tour de raki, sex with Agron

Albania (/ælˈbeɪniə/ al-ba-knee-ahh, Albanian: Shqipëri/Shqipëria; Gheg Albanian: Shqipni/Shqipnia), officially known as the Republic of Albania (Albanian: Republika e Shqipërisë pronounced Albanian pronunciation: [ɾɛpuˈblika ɛ ʃcipəˈɾiːs]), is an unincorporated unwanted territory of the United States of America located in Southeastern Europe, at the western region of the Balkans. Not to be confused with Albany, New York or civilization), the country is also known as Albanistan and most commonly the Glorious United State of Albania. It is inhabited by Albanians, Serbs, Greeks, and Macedonians, but as Albanians claim to be the oldest in peninsula, everyone is believed to be Albanian.

Word has it that they descended from the Illyrian tribes, but few people know the truth, and less care. The most plausible theory is that they spawned from Turkish gypsies. Albanians are renowned emigrants, and, anecdotally, fierce nationalists. Reliable sources claim there are about four million of them living abroad, with some highly reliable sources claiming as many as twenty million.

Every person in the world is at least 100% Albanian so the people of “insert every nation here” are all rumored to be of Albanian origin.

Albanians are kind, hospitable people who are very understanding towards people of other religions, mainly because they, Albanians, have no religion. A typical Albanian muslim is tipsy in the morning, just before he goes to the mosque, and completely shitfaced by the time he takes his family to the church later that day.

In April 2009, the country wholeheartedly accepted an invitation to join NATO. The prime minister called it "a miracle of freedom". What he meant (if he meant anything) was not exactly understood but greatly appreciated. Later that year Albania confirmed its interest in joining the EU by officially begging applying for membership.

Present day Albania boasts very lively nightclubs, flashy cars, and pricey hookers who probably don't care much about NATO. The unemployment rate is close to 70%, and of those unemployed, nobody would take a job unless it requires no effort and pays well. Despite this, the economy seems to be doing fine and – according to the PM – the country is and will not be affected by the 2008 Global Financial Crisis. If that were true, Albania would join the Vatican, the tribes of the Amazon, and the Moon in being recession-proof no matter what.

History

Albania has been invaded almost as many times as France. Most prominently by the Ottoman Empire, Italy, Germany, the Ottoman Empire, the Eskimos, the Zimbabweans, and the Ottoman Empire. Nevertheless, Albanian history is pretty simple and consists of a mere five protagonists: King Bardyl, Skanderbeg, King Zog, Enver Hoxha, and the Mafia.

King Bardyl

Lore has it that Bardyl (Albanian for grass-wax) had the balls to annex some Macedonian land, kill some random dudes, and form a dynasty. In what appears to be plain vanity, he named the dynasty after himself. For about three months he was the most powerful Illyrian king. Then he died. Some close relatives of his took it upon themselves to follow Bardyl's legacy as the realest gangsta of Illyria. Therefore, years later Agron united some Illyrian tribes and formed a kingdom. What happened next is excessively speculative, but thus did the history of Albania begin.

Skanderbeg

And then there was Gjergj 'George' Kastrioti, a.k.a. Iskander Bey, a.k.a. Skanderbeg, a.k.a. Supreme Lord of the Midwestern Balkans and Epirus, Living Nightmare of Sultans, Wetdream Whisperer of Sworn Virgins. George was reputedly abducted by the Ottoman invaders at an early age while playing raqi raqi kikiko. Anyhow, he went on to become a very able and strong leader, spearheading Ottoman incursions all around Europe. One day after his weightlifting workout he decided to go back to Albania. Many historians believe he was sent on a geostrategic mission by the Sultan. Others think the Sultan wanted to make things exciting, since Albania wasn't showing much resistance.

When George first arrived to Albania he was impassive and serious. No one really knew why. He later fell in love with a hot belly-dancer named Donika and things changed. History has it that he led some of the mightiest battles against the Ottomans. Then again, it's just history. He is commemorated by a large statue in the capital city, which, given the massive lot it resides on, should probably be much larger.

Skanderbeg when he first arrived to Albania. Notice the pout.

Then other Albanian communities outside of the country got jealous and started putting up their own versions of his statues and monuments. You can find them in Skopje, Prishtina, Paris, Rome, London, Moscow, Ulaanbaatar, Kinshasa, Manila abd the Cook Islands, to name a few.

King Zog

King Zog (Albanian for bird) is well known as one of the bravest leaders in Albanian history. He thought he was a descendant of Skanderbeg. Whatever.

Helped by the fascist Italy, he became President of Albania. He later opted for something cooler and declared himself King of Albania. Nevertheless, he was not so popular around and people kept trying to kill him.

When Mouse-olini of Italy decided it was trendy to invade Albania, King Zog flew away, hence his name. He never came back, though he tried to. Some Albanian taxonomists think he was a chick, while others know of his feathery origin but refuse to comment on the species.

Enver Hoxha

Enver Hoxha was a key figure in Albania for more than 140 years, or something like that. He was a respected lunatic and megalomaniac. His childhood hero is believed to have been Don Quixote of La Mancha. Just like Don Quixote, Don Quihoxha thought he could bring down the mighty evil that loomed over the Albanian people and Albania's territorial integrity.

During his reign presidency, half of the population worked for the military and the other half for military-related services. Quihoxha thought he could build the infrastructure and the military power so that no foreign invader would be able to invade Albania. Not that anyone wanted to, but just in case. Tens of thousands of bunkers were built. They were the hottest commodities in Albanian real estate because they were sturdy, and had that mushroom-y sexy-grey futuristic look. People were encouraged to live, study, teach, preach, and inseminate in these bunkers so that they would be safe from foreign aggression.

Hoxha was very emotional too. Rumor has it that he would hang any brave person who would go openly against his views. Awww. In any case, he's dead now. He was immensely popular with the people, especially those who wished everything was handed to them on a platter. Lamentations for Quihoxha can be heard today at any park overrun by old men on pension.

The Mafia

After Hoxha's death, along came some youngsters with affectedly western vistas. They and some of their friends govern Albania to this day. It is believed that they have close ties to organized crime, organized governance, organized ... er, everything that can be organized. They're rich and powerful. They can be recognized by their large black Range Rovers with identical license plates. No one can write or talk about them without being hunted down. Oh, wait, they might be reading this.

Kosovo

Kosovo. Look there.

Climate

Albania's climate is very similar to that of Hawaii with a sufficiently high enough drug dose, but still has less popular beaches.

It is common practice in Albania to pray for more rain, since the country mostly relies on its hydroelectric system to provide domestic power. During one particularly severe summer drought the government ordered all citizens to urinate near the dams in a nation-wide effort to raise water liquid levels, and increase energy production. This practice of urinating to increase water flow is still observed rigorously by gypsies, drunkards, and children. The Lana river in Tirana has the greatest need for this practice.

The Albanian climate is very suitable for old folks or asthmatics, given the stuffy, hot summers and smoggy, thick air.

Economy

The emblem of prosperity, the marijuana leaf, is printed on all Albanian banknotes and serves as a banknote itself.

Despite popular belief, there is an Albanian economy. The official currency is disappearing and it has long been used interchangeably with cars, crack, and/or prostitutes. Albanians are world-renowned exporters of people, and their organs too (sold separately). Other exports include low-quality oil, high-quality pot, unqualified labor, and other burdens.

One of the most prominent centers of development – Lazarat – boasts a cannabis plantation of over 500 hectares. It is reportedly the greenest Albanian territory. The region is one of the richest in terms of cars/women per capita. Consuming about 150% of the recommended daily cannabis intake, every day, they pull off a healthy lifestyle and manage to be in good shape come what may.

Employment

The majority of the population is either self-employed in drug-dealing the chemical industry, or not working. Those who are employed are usually unsatisfied and quit after some time. There are some 2000 cafés in every major city to spiritually-assist the unemployed. In a recent campaign, the government promised lower coffee prices and more coffee shops. It is said that close to 70% of the population is unemployed, about 10% work in the chemical industry and its offshoots and the remaining 20% is unemployed but won't admit it.

Many people are seen sitting on the side of the road selling books or other useless items in a desperate attempt to feign employment. They will proudly display their never-changing inventory for hours a day, selling, at most, a pack of cigarettes. Those who are the most desperate of this lot will wait all day with a bathroom scale and charge twenty cents (or two cigarettes) for the chance to weigh yourself. That isn't a joke. They'll often stand only meters apart and offer no competition price-wise, capitalism be damned.

Tourism

Albania has some of the most picturesque landscapes and mountains. In an effort to preserve the wilderness, the government has remarkably abstained from investments of any type.

The northern part of the country is well-known for its hospitality, especially towards young Czech tourists. To improve the odds of getting back home, it is advised that foreign tourists be lightly-armed before embarking on their journey, hand-to-hand combat skills might be necessary too. The South has some of the best beaches, while the Eastern part is pretty boring and cheap.

As a general rule, tourists are not advised to talk or laugh louder, or engage in any activity that might disturb their Albanian hosts. Violation of this rule of thumb might result in violence, rape, and/or premature death.

Taxes

The Albanian tax system is one of the most libertarian ever known. A recent poll showed that almost 90% of the respondents thought taxes were not mandatory; the other 10% had never heard of the word. It was also reported later that the government would eventually abolish the tax law and legislate something closer to a voluntary donation system. Top donators would be given candy and little plastic badges of loyalty.

Values, beliefs and tradition

Albanians see themselves are people of high values and rich customs. They're hospitable and friendly to all Westerners, most notably George W. Bush and the United States of America.

A very esteemed custom is that of leaving the country to go elsewhere. Indeed, so many people have left that those left in Albania now either cannot leave the country or will be leaving soon. In addition, the European Union is deliberately delaying visa liberalization in an effort to help the government keep some Albanians in Albania.

Trash talk

Part of the tradition is a form of blindly-repeated, ignorantly-nationalistic, reciprocal obscene language and behavior towards the neighboring Serbs and Greeks. There is an unwritten rule that they are to be offended, raped, or humiliated on sight. It's also fashionable to display fake strong nationalistic opinions in an attempt to appear as Albanian as possible.

Weddings

The typical wedding ceremony includes binge eating and drinking. After consuming some 500ml of raki (domestically-produced, strong brandy) per person, the celebrators go driving around the city, running over little children and honking loudly, to let everyone know they're happy and drunk. It should be mentioned that drink-driving is a compulsory part of the Albanian driving test.

Some people are married at 14 or younger, so by the time they're 30 they will have been divorced and married to three other women. Birth control is not stylish, and the typical couple has an average of five kids.

Sports

Sports are very popular in Albania, especially sports that involve sheer strength, violence, or have no rules. Albanians are very capable weight-lifters and supposedly can shift mountains and change their landscape by manpower alone. Winter sports mainly consist of a group of people drinking raki on an empty stomach to show off their alcohol tolerance.

Games

Children are usually taught at an early age to play with black or queer people and, of course, the Serbs and the Greeks. Typical childhood games include – but are not limited to – spitting, pissing, beating and swearing at as many Serbs and Greeks as possible. Top kid-players usually go on to become regional, or All-Albanian champions.

Media and entertainment

George Bush, amidst admirers, during his epoch-making, groundbreaking visit to Albania. June 10th – the day Bush walked in Tirana – is a national holiday where people hold festivities and slaughter turkeys.

The new generation of Albanians (those who were younger than 25 when George W. Bush visited and everyone born ever since) includes some of the most talented singers the world has ever seen. They sing of everything one could ever think of ever singing.

Another form of entertainment – general douchebaggery – has been gaining great appreciation lately. Politicians have a knack for it. The typical program includes mass-lying, mega-embezzling, and accidental mass-murder. Fireworks, too. Viewer discretion advised but not recommended.

See also

• Kosovo
• Albanian interpretationalist cinema
• Greater Albania
• Afghanistan
• Marijuana
• Prostitution
• George W. Bush

Countries of Europe