Bubble Tea
Bubble Tea, commonly called boba, milk tea, or pearl milk by the unenlightened, is a drink made from milk, various flavors, and unethically sourced orbs. Originating in Taiwan (A part of China might I remind you!) in the early 1980s as a result of the drug infused 60's, bubble tea spread like a virus to any country that contained at least one east Asian identifying individual. Bubble tea is most commonly made with the orbs harvested from the "tapioca", an alien species from Venus, but it can be made with other toppings as well, such as grass, wood chippings, bird droppings, loose change, and crushed dried honeybees.
Description[edit | edit source]
Bubble teas fall under two categories: viscosity of piss, or viscosity of oil. Both varieties come with a choice of black, green, yellow, pink, orange, blue, black, or oolong tea as the base.
The first bubble tea consisted of a blend of Taiwanese Chinese tea, balls taken from eunuchs, condensed milk, and syrup or honey. Bubble tea is most commonly served cold except in places where it is cold (see: Antarctica). The alternative name "boba", (Chinese: booby), originates from a nickname for actress Amy Yip, who was known for her sizeable rack. (This isn't even misinformation, this is an actual fact. Congrats, you actually learned something today!)
While some cafés serve bubble tea in a glass to try and appeal to the richer denizens of their city, most bubble tea shops serve it in a plastic cup and use a device containing very small people to seal the top of the cup. The wrapper the little people use to seal the cup is then viciously pierced by the drinker in a fit of rage, before the contents are then slurped out... ball by ball.
The market value of Boba has been estimated at around $2-4 billion as of 2024, and is expected to double by 2027 as balls become more accessible for removal.
The Bubble Tea Drinker Interview[edit | edit source]
"Omg okay so like, BEOWHBAH is literally my personality at this point. I don’t even care what flavor it is, as long as it’s cute and the cup has those lil chewy balls at the bottom, I’m obsessed. It’s giving main character energy when I walk around with a pastel drink and the thick straw, you know? Like, it’s the vibe.
Also it’s SUCH a serotonin boost omg? You’re just sitting there stabbing the seal just like the Europeans used to do to island natives, taking a slurp, and suddenly life’s not that serious anymore. Half of it is the aesthetic, not gonna lie, the colors, the cup design, the balls all bouncing around like my boyfriend's do when I assault him. And yeah, posting my boba run is basically a ritual. If I don’t get at least one “omg where’d you get that?” comment, did it like, even happen??
So yeah, I love boba. It’s not even about the drink at this point, it’s a lifestyle."
HowTo: Order Bubble Tea[edit | edit source]
Chances are you have tried to join the wave of Boba enthusiasts, but have been scared away from the endless menus and options! The Boba barista is frowning at you as she'd really like to get back to talking to her friends instead of doing her job... a drop of sweat rolls down your nose and some piss down your pants as you stutter an apology and then run out of the establishment, tripping over your untied shoelaces! But never again! Today, I will teach you how to order Boba like a professional.
Step 1: Prepare[edit | edit source]
Wake up at 3 a.m. and start doing push ups while singing "I Got Balls in My Jaws, Balls in My Jaws.” This helps establish dominance over the drink you're about to procure.
Step 2: Research[edit | edit source]
Don’t look up the menu. This will only confuse you and encourage panic. Instead, print out a 1-200 slide PowerPoint presentation titled “My Demands: (Bubble Edition)” and staple it to your shirt. Ensuring the staples pierce your skin is essential here so it does not get blown off by the wind. Pants and the back of your shirt can be used if you run out of real estate on the front.
Step 3: Enter the Shop[edit | edit source]
Kick the door open. Announce yourself by shouting: “I am the Bubble Emperor!” The other customers will probably be silent out of respect for your royal status, and may even begin to film you! This is very good for publicity.
Step 4: Ordering[edit | edit source]
When the barista asks what you’d like, respond cryptically:
| “ | Surprise me... emotionally. | ” |
If they ask for a flavor, say “blue.” If they ask for sweetness level, say “existential.” If they ask for your name for the order, hand them your photo-shopped birth certificate that states you were born in Japan. This will give you an automatic pass for the atrocities you will soon commit.
Step 5: Payment[edit | edit source]
Do not hand them money like a normal person. No, you are a Japanese nationalist, so slide exact change (in Yen) across the counter while locking eyes. It's a sign of respect after all.
Step 6: Waiting[edit | edit source]
Stare at the other customers and occasionally mutter, “They’ll never know the things I know.” Scroll through the weather app and/or practice your Japanese on Duolingo.
Step 7: Pick-Up[edit | edit source]
When they call your order, sprint to the counter. Trip over absolutely nothing! Accept the cup solemnly, as though you’ve been chosen by fate, which you have.
Step 8: The Finale[edit | edit source]
Take one sip, nod twice, and shout:
| “ | Watashi wa anime to hentaiga daisukidesu! | ” |
This will be very important news for all to hear about you. Then pay your respects to the balls by giving a heartfelt speech about their bravery. Leave before security arrives.
