String theory is the theory that matter, energy and accountants are made up of tiny strings. It states that whenever you put a set of perfectly arranged strings in any container they will come out completely tangled, no matter what the arrangement or the container. The aforementioned three ingredients (plus lard which acts as the glue) give rise to various elaborate, sophisticated and highly complicated and yet subtly simple and non-functioning existences, such as: iPod headphones, Christmas tree lights, garden hoses, electric cords, string panties, shoelaces, your Blu-Ray player; although surprisingly beautiful and functioning constructions have also appeared, such as horse intestines, beetle legs, belly-button fluff, the area behind your computer desk and smurfs.
Physicists now think that various dualities (e.g., AdS/CFT or gauge/string duality more generally) link the various perceived realities. For instance, gauge/string duality states that belly-button hair is (when the embedding manifold is sufficiently and appropriately curved, namely a la AdS) dual to a conformal gauge theory of sweat living on the surface or boundary of the embedding manifold, which in this case is a pink porous surface known to laymen as skin. The gauge theory of sweat is a CFT (conformal field theory) in the sense that the underlying physics is independent of the size of the stinky bearer. On the string theory side, the bulk theory is correctly described by a quantum (from the Greek "κούνα τον") superstring in a fixed ten-dimensional spacetime background. It is experimentally difficult to probe this region, primarily due to the un-probabilistic quantum (deterministic) nature of non-existence of topological universes containing ten-dimensional arthropods and women. Namely, the arthropod erectus a la carbonarae cannot grasp that they are much more than merely two-handed and two-legged four-dimensional existences with a big and small bump in between the former and latter regions, otherwise known as humans. It is widely believed that the theory of string was first envisioned during a curious orgasmic array of lightning strikes in one of the offices of QWUL (Queen Mary University of London).
String theory has since proven a number of fascinating and glorious facts: nonsense universes don't exist, gravity exists (at least approximately), the universes are typically multidimensional (using gauge/string duality), quantum field theories are indistinguishable from string theories (unless they are wrong), Riemann surfaces are very interesting indeed, and finally that there is much more to universes than meets Iris (not to mention Bob's ten-dimensional arthropod erectus a la carbonara).
Extra dimensions[edit | edit source]
The first hints that everything is made of string began with the math equation, C + 2x = M (C being cat, and M being matter). The scientists found that X, no matter what M and C equaled, always was equal to string. This therefore meant that all matter was made up of strings. Soon, the greatest scientist of the time, Paris Hilton, suggested a radical new idea: that string theory was no longer string theory but rather rope theory. This was because 2s = R, meaning that C + R = M, simplifying the equation, now causing 2 * string (2S) to become rope (R). Not long after that, she claimed that if this was true, than the universe was merely a giant rope which we all lived on. However, for this to be true, states rival scientist Miley Cyrus, there must be more than the four dimensions that scientists had believed were the only dimensions. This was because, for the universe to be a giant rope, it cannot merely move within the four dimensions. This is because if the equation C + R = M and U/D * V = M are both true (U being universe, V being velocity and D being dimension) then D must equal more than 4 and less than 12. The equation U/D * V = M was proven true many times before, which means either C + R = M is completely wrong, or that there are more than four dimensions.
Famous knots[edit | edit source]
The most complicated knot ever tied is the famous "Tibetan master" knot, which is in the hair of a monk living off yeti flesh in the Great Mountains of Durka-durka-stan.
Another famous knot is the Gordian knot, which was misspelled by a clerk with a bad kidney in the 1400s and was joyously renamed the Accordion knot by President Maelin Seed's daughter, supermodel Appel Microsoft Seed. A specific theory about this knot was developed by Alexander the Great, a famous Shaolin monk who reached the Tao and therefore gained supernatural powers which allowed him to control a vast empire, but he did not build enough coliseums and theatres. Mao Tse Tung built the William Shakespeare's Theatre wonder before him, and therefore his empire suffered many rebellions.
A knot used by fierce, ancient warriors of the Agahapula tribe of southern lirpaland in the continent of urkulekela was the crazy-monkey fist knot. This knot was infused with poison dart frog poison and the thorn of the juju bush and swung around on a rope, hitting any opponent within a two foot radius, and making them hallucinate for up to two hours. "I saw many pink unicorns and flying elephants on my journey," said a victim of this weapon.
Proof[edit | edit source]
After initation of the Large Hadron Collider, a bizzare item instantaneously appeared and disappeared. This whilst baffling and a contradiction to standard physics, A Swedish Physicist defined this anomalous form of matter as "Dark Panties" or the "Anti Panty", which coincidentally is the nickname of a Norweigian Pimp who lives in South Africa.
The effects of string theory can be seen in every day life after doing the laundry. This is known as The Missing Sock Anomaly which is dependant upon the energy put into not losing your clothing. This energy includes a contribution from the Cashmire Effect, namely from fluctuations in the quality of the clothing, to wit more expensive socks are lost first. Clothing lost through the Missing Sock Anomaly end up in another universe where garden gnomes use them as oil rags.
Initiation[edit | edit source]
String theory is a very, very vast and complex subject, and only monks who spend their whole life on it can reach the mysteries of knots, which lies beyond the Tao, or that guy's apartment building, whichever one you're willing to find first.
There are seven initiation steps:
- The Shoelace Knot step, being the first one, is easiest, but it requires amazing concentration, and monks have to spend years studying the Force to properly master the stunning Bunny-ears maneuver. Masters of the Shoelace Knot are believed to be the most dangerous men in the world. Seriously, if you even think of them they WILL kill the rat that lives under your floorboards. YOU will be next.
- The second step, the boating knots step, is far more difficult than the first one, and young apprentices (known as padawans) have to spend several years sailing until they can walk on water, to master this complex and subtle subject.
- The third step lies in the deep, black, silent pools of the cavernous quantum physics. monks have to spend up to three years in a special room, called the University, to reach a level of interior peace high enough to perceive the mysteries of the Tao. Most are driven completely insane, and attend college parties and drink endless amounts of beer for the rest of their lives.
- The other steps are mind-elevation steps through contemplation of the Tao and mastering The Force.
Once these steps are finished, the Knots Masters can master their body and their mind, and gain supernatural powers like ubiquity through a space-time continuum rupture, or levitation through a shifting of their Karma in the 27th dimension and a displacement of their Ka in the 13th along the lines of force of the Spiritual Whole God, or cast powerful spells, like Cowation, or even reach the Nirvana and bring back powerful artifacts, like a Blade +3 of Roses, or even a monk-only Carshemir +5 which can invoke magical Guinea Pigs.
In fact, the ultimate goal of the string theory is to deviate photons using the dimensions 4.0 by 37.17 parsecs (space-time having a fractal shape, not a problem). Once this trouser deviation is perfected, one of the monks studying the field hopes to unknot a pantie or two.
Masterful use of string theory can lead to the mastery of all variety of master uses!
Cheeseology[edit | edit source]
Created by bored physicists at some university somewhere, string theory sought to resolve some of the unresolvable issues of Einsteinian physics in accordance to quantum physics. The theory postulates that all matter in the universe is made up of really, really, really, really small cheese strings which are now governed by the laws of quantum cheddardynamics (first enacted at the String Cheese Incident).
Current data show signs that the type of matter particles that the Cheese Strings create are dependent on their type of cheese. For example, bosons are made of soft cheeses, whereas fermions consist of more solid cheeses such as parmesan. Up quarks are cheddar, down quarks are wensleydale, muons are Swiss, bozos are made of Le Roule, gravitons (which may or may not exist) are tiny vibrating loops of ricotta, gluons are made of mascarpone, which is why they are sticky, electrons are made of stilton, photons are made of cream cheese, morons are made of Dubliner, neutrinos are made of Chunky Cheese, and taus are made of Darth Feta. These strings are collectively known as the 12 Fundamental Cheeses, however not all have been observed in a scientific fashion (e.g., whilst drinking port).
The unaccounted-for dark matter of the universe consists of anticheese. For every fundamental cheese there is an anticheese equivalent. Usually these anticheeses are referred to as "crackers". For each fundamental cheese, there is an associated cracker. For example, the anti-bosons (bosons being soft cheese, remember) are made of Ryvita. When anti-cheese comes into contact with cheese a large quantity of wind energy is released, hence the name "letting wind".
How long is a piece of string?[edit | edit source]
The greatest theory of all is often quoted by idiots who have no idea about what they're doing or what they are about to do, and in extreme cases what they have done. A piece of string is 18.29 metres long – or wide, depending on how you look at it (or deep, depending how long you look at it) – but only when you concentrate really hard when measuring it; lack of concentration can make the "length" appear to be as short as 18.2899999 metres. This has happened only once, ever, hence people keep asking.
Perhaps the most striking point about the above theory is that the string always appears to be 18.29 metres long, even if you are also 18.29 metres long, and moving at the exact same velocity as the string. This perplexing fact drove many scientists quite mad, including Barbra Streisand, Ellen Degenerate, and Fred Flintstone.
A string is always (almost) twice as long as half a piece of string. If the string is made of cheese, then results may differ depending on the Chunk Factor.
Other string theories[edit | edit source]
Many other theories involving strings have been archived in the Anals of Space-time, not to be confused with the Small Intestines of Space-time.
In 108 A.D., the King Kong administration became intensely interested in developing mind control devices in an attempt to unseat the Barbi party from creating a block in the Senate. It was believed that, if super intelligent strings could be processed in a cost efficient way, a Big Purple Cylinder could be used to broadcast messages to the strings after being inserted into the ear by a podiatrist or the Mafia. Unfortunately, the Big Purple Cylinder drank the nations entire supply of Jagermeister, collected by telepathy, and choked on its own vomit. With the project rendered officially hopeless, the rest of the budget was spent on beer and hookers.
Another string theory postulates the existence of quantum singularities in the human body. Hypotheses revolve around morbidly obese women who can't locate the cord to absorbent plugs inserted into the female body cavity. Scientists point to a possible loss of the cord via singularities, whose lot in life is to make shit disappear for the rest of eternity. The emergence of these singularities is usually accompanied by the sound of whining as heard from a privy, frustrated grunts and the repeated mumbling of the mantra, "Damn it! I know it's in here somewhere. I don't remember taking it out." This is thought to be the effect of being a fat fuck and having the space-time continuum hate you for creating too much gravity.
M-theory[edit | edit source]
M-theory is the most sophisticated of all string theories: that the Universe is, in fact, a ball of wool, stranded with a lot of threads. Stars, planets, comets, etc., are but the dust particles sticking to the threads, at least one of which is the temporal thread, or simply time. This single thread is being pulled by a Cosmic Cat, which probably is the same as Schrodinger's Shat. M-Theory is the cat's name. Some scientists view things a bit differently and see the role of Cosmic Mouse's being constantly pursued by the cat; this theory may explain the cat's need to pull the wool in one direction, however its detractors claim it's incompatible with Occam's razor, which prohibits both multiplying without necessity and shaving the beard to the bare skin.
The string is being pulled with a constant speed of some 299,998 km/s^2 and in one direction. The strength of this pull is the biggest in the universe and nothing can move into the opposite direction. Also, light is being produced due to the friction between the threads and that's why time is related to the speed of light. Furthermore, energy being produced at the pull equals the product of object's mass and the square of c, thus: <latex>E=mc^2</latex>
The role of the Cosmic Cat has been recognized since long before the M-Theory was created; for instance, the famous physicist Albert Einstein who came up with the mentioned equation named the speed of light with a sign of c, the first letter in the word cat.
Black holes in M-theory[edit | edit source]
Black holes in M-Theory are the extremely tight knots on one or many threads; they're so tight that nothing can escape from them, and the place of the tightest knotting is called singularity; it's so tight that it disappears from the ball altogether, as does anything touching it.
Fate of the Universe – The Omega Point in M-theory[edit | edit source]
The wool is being unfolded by many forces, including the Cosmic Cat's pull of the Time String. This is why galaxies seem to move farther and farther away, what in turn is being called Expansion of the Universe. Nobody knows for sure what will happen to the world after the ball of wool unfolds completely. Some physicists claim that what will ensue is a Big Rip, when there is no more ball and all matter is thrown into total chaos. Meanwhile, the cat neither dies nor grows bored.
What it's for[edit | edit source]
- Fascinating cats (see also:kitten huffing)
- Tying Shoelaces (or even larger more complex knots like Stephen Hawking does)
- Time travel
- Very long and expensive books
- Confusing the blood of the innocent
- Something something ... pope
- Yaught Crisenings
- European nudists to defeat Kublai Kahn at the great siege of the forest moon of Endor
- Killing someone
- Some stores accept pieces of string as payment
- Defeating vast empires
- Mastering The Force
- Cutting things in half, such as cheese and potatoes
- Homemade Grenade Launcher
To be confused with[edit | edit source]
- Silly String Theory, a special form of string theory (much like special relativity)
- Quantum Murphydynamics, a competing (and far superior) theory that unites quantum mechanics and general relativity in an elegant explanatory framework without being completely ridiculous
- Puppet String Theory, the theory that there is someone with a hand up your ass.
- Ring Theory, the theory purported by popular scientist Elrond Hubbard.
- Bling Theory, first hypothesised by Mr T and Snoop Dogg as an excuse for their Gold fetish.
Origins of string theory[edit | edit source]
String theory was created by scientists looking for additional funding after budget cuts by Congress. One scientist proposed making a completely true theory that could be made into documentaries which would involve a bunch of psychedelic effects and factoids from quantum physics that have been taken out of context. They theorized that they could make billions off of stoners who wanted to get their mind blown. They named it string theory after the oscillations of guitar strings when a stoner plays, which said stoner thinks is awesome but anyone else who isn't high knows it sucks balls.
What the strings are made of[edit | edit source]
The strings in string theory are made of more strings in a fractal pattern and it's strings all the way down.
See also[edit | edit source]
|The 12 Fundamental Cheesess|
|*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese|
|The 3 Noble Cheeses|
|*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"|