Fred Flintstone

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Fred Flintstone was the very first pedophile. Here is his mugshot.

“I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I’ll make your bed rock.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Fred Flintstone

“That’s frighteningly large!”

~ Fred Flintstone on ejaculation probes

“If there’s one thing the Flintstone films have taught us it’s that replacing words with either ‘rock’ or ‘stone’ is consistently funny, inventive, fresh and never gets old.”

~ cinema audiences

Dr. Frederick Smythe Von McDonald Flintstone III, not to be confused with the country Uzbekistan, or Strawberry Jam, is the star of the popular TV show "The Flintstones". Born in 1967 in Sidcup, Fred grew up as an aspiring comedian. However, because his acts consisted of mainly cheesy puns and bad slapstick, he was booed out of all the clubs he performed in. Determined to make a name for himself, he concluded that his jokes would best sell in prehistoric times, when no one would've already heard his cliches. Young Fred then made a makeshift time machine out of tinfoil, elbow grease, and some good ol' ingenuity. He used this time machine to travel to the Cretacious Era, where his shows were instant sellouts. In awe of his success, CBS gave Fred a primetime spot for a series of live performances.

Personal life[edit | edit source]

Fred Flintstone was abandoned at birth in the slums of Sidcup. He was quickly taken in by a local orphanage, where he spent most of his childhood. Fred soon befriended fellow orphan Barney Rubble, son of an alcoholic father and a rather promiscuous mother. One day, while Fred and Barney were dining on a juicy sirloin beef jerky, they saw a lady accidentally fall out the window while she was cleaning. During her long fall, she screamed "Yabba-dabba-doooooo!" The phrase stuck instantly with Fred, and he constantly annoyed the other orphans with his signature catch phrase.

During his early twenties, Fred journeyed to Las Vegas on the grounds of a double-dog dare and your mom. There, he met Wilma Jacquelyn. The two hit it off instantly, and soon were married in a 24-hour drive-thru church. The new couple flew back to Sidcup to celebrate their honeymoon. Wilma became pregnant, and gave birth to a baby girl. Fred and Wilma named her Lucretia, after Wilma's cousin's friend's aunt's second cousin's stepsister on her (Wilma's) mother's side.

Fred Flintstone was recently issued a restraining order for arriving at his home drunk at 2:00 a.m. and reportedly screaming at his wife. Witnesses said he yelled "Wilma!" constantly to a point of verbal abuse. He has to stay a minimum of 100 feet from his wife and pet dinosaur.

His pet dinosaur was last seen driving a Punto (number plate 6200) on the outer ring road bangalore.

Height of his career[edit | edit source]

Only a year after Fred Flintstone and the gang traveled back in time, CBS experienced a drastic rise in viewers following their excellent coverage of the assassination of Czar Raphael "Boulder" DeBrix. Thanks to Fred's stardom (but mostly centuries of guaranteed compound interest still to come) he became the richest man of his day, with a net worth of an estimated 67,000,000,000 pesos. The Flintstones' theme song received immense airplay on FM radio, and many listeners requested it for BCE to come.

Decline[edit | edit source]

Fred and Barney before a show

Not unknown to the public, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble shared an alcohol and marijuana addiction. They would often drink and smoke heavily before performances. Wilma says that during one show, while Fred was running in his car, he even passed out. Fred also had Assburger's Syndrome (not to be confused with Asperger's), and his addiction further aggravated the problem. Fred and Barney would check in and out of rehab a total of 27 times (and counting) while losing viewers to newer experiments→[1][2] such as Scooby Doo. CBS tried many gimmicks[3]to bolster ratings, such as celebrity guest stars, a more modern theme and even nudity, but the show was soon canceled.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Fred Flintstone has found both Waldo and Carmen Sandiego.
  • Fred Flintstone can touch this. Twice.
  • Fred Flintstone guest starred twice on Jay Leno. He (Jay) said it was the paramount mistake of his (Jay's) career. Twice.
  • He was Chairman of the North–East Black Stripes. Twice.
  • He was the illegitimate son of Harry Hamlin. Twice. No, wait ...
  • Fred Flintstone did believe it wasn't butter. But only twice. (Promise.)
  • Often while performing on set Fred Flintstone's monstrous testicles had to be disguised as boulders by the props department.
  • On January 12, 6780 BC, Fred married his gay pet dinosaur who kissed him and got cheated on for Satan. Just once, actually.
  • He has sex with children.
  • He got Donnie to shut the fuck up.
  • He has breathed under water ... tree times.

See also[edit | edit source]

  1. Unnoticed by the public – already numb from the horror of four-fingered people – were three-toed feet.
  2. Goodyear™ was a "sponsor".
  3. Nobody thought of retreads (Firestone™) until it was too late.