“In Soviet Russia, Quantum Physics doesn't understand YOU!”
“Quantum physics means that anything can happen, at any time, for no reason...”
No one really knows what quantum physics is. A lot of it is numbers and shit made up by Professor Bleep Blorp Bleep. Quantum physics is the study of discrete numbers. It seeks to understand the balance of natural forces against an increasingly chaotic system of counting. It is especially concerned with exact value of a zillion, and is also represented by fractal modules. Currently, no uniform theory has yet to emerge. However, the theory is currently based on the Master Equation, which is as follows:
which is in practice simplified to:
where E is equatorial girth, b is for Belizian, and s stands for the Surreptitious constant (approximately 1.435 - the Golden Mean [oooh, ahhh]). Given this equation, one may determine the exact length of a fat man's stomach. No one is quite sure why this value is also applicable to studying incredibly pointless numbers, although several scientists have proposed that, "Maybe God just has a twisted sense of humor like that".
The theory has recently been extended to the theory of consciousness and anything else New Agers or phillosophors find of interest (see, for instance, Quantum medicine). This has caused great friction as philosophors dislike having to admit that they're chosen field is bollocks and that quantum physics along with nuclear physics has disproved fate (even though phycisists cannot spell).
Quantum physics has also become the foundation for Quantum Murphydynamics, a comprehensive theory of inconvenience in the universe.
Current theory holds several basic assumptions:
- Einstein is immortal, and is working on theories infinitely more complex than his relativity.
- God has a sick sense of humor.
- The Egg came first.
- If you think you understand Quantum theory, you don't fucking understand Quantum theory.
- If there is a universe in a box, it is both dead and a cat at the same time until the box is opened, in which case the universe is either alive or 27. Or possibly Gene Simmons.
- There is no number six.
- Phi isn't only a letter. It's what hare-lipped people ask for when they walk into Greggs.
- The shortest distance between two points in a plane is a wormhole, not a line
- We don't know if wormholes exist
- Atoms are boring as hell, but protons, neutrons and electrons are awesome.
- Light travels fast. Like, really fast, and stuff.
- For a given amount of time, Stephen Hawking can speak a given amount of BS.
- Murphy's Law is a classical approximation of a fundamental universal mechanism (see Quantum Murphydynamics).
- Sometimes you're better off not asking so many goddamn questions about everything.
- It is pointless for anyone to give a crap about the answer to the universe life and everything, so unless 6*7=42, shut the hell up.
Given these conclusions, one can extrapolate that the value of any one number, other than the Golden Mean (oooh, ahhh) is impossible to know. This is the basis of relativity, a cardinal tenet of the theory: a number's value is something that someone just pulled straight out of their ass anyway. Quantum physics therefore is tantamount to a study of the nature of the ass-pulling. Put another way (please), Quantum Physics seeks to actually determine a number's true value. Therefore, the whole science is inherently contradictory. Oscar Wilde, famous father of the current model, stated that it was, "similar to more ass-pulling, except that the ass-pulled material is covered in less shit".
Anyone who does not accept this is a traitor.
The most famous past model was the Einsteinian model, which was based on such ludicrous assumptions as:
[Editor's note: Given the third assumption, no more explanation seemed necessary]
Given that no number has any significance in Quantum physics, it follows logically that all numbers have some significance. These, excited physicists have developed into fundamental constants, which change whenever somebody measures anything. Some famous constants include:
- Avocado's Constant, something to do with vegetable decay rates.
- Boltzmann Constant, how hard something is to nail together.
- Loschimdt's Constant, defining exactly how funny names are.
- Planck Constant, the relationship between the effect of a standard plank to the back of the head and the number of pints you have consumed is proportional to 1 over the Plank constant.
- Schrodinger's Constant, describes the exact number of kittens huffed in one's lifetime, usually somewhere around 89.371562.
- Speed of Light, never fully determined, but believed to be somewhere between unbelievably fast and OMFG THAT WAS FAST!
- Hammer Constant, the constant rate at which all objects approach 0 speed (a stopping point, point of rest. This can be expressed as:)
- Horse Constant, which is a picture of a horse.
The big bang, according to quantum physics
Quantum physicists are fairly random as to what this branch of physics is about, but most agree that it explains how things can randomly happen without any reason at all, at a random time, in a random location. Taking this as basis, they made up a fairly believable theory on how the big bang happened:
"There was nothing. Then all the matter decided to appear randomly in the universe. Then, for no reason at all it all got compressed in a single point. Then it started to do some random things and exploded, getting randomly spread across the universe."
The Quantum State of Shit
Quantum physics being simply another way of saying "I have no clue what is going on", a prime example lies in the quantum state of shit. In this scenario, one walks into their washroom. They discover an interesting smell which appears to originate from the area of the toilet. However, the toilet seat is down, so this poor, poor person can't tell if there is indeed poopy in their toilet.
The obvious answer would be to open the toilet seat and check. However, the person cannot raise the toilet seat or flush the toilet, since either action would disrupt the quantum state, resulting in the end of the world. So, the poor person is left wondering if there is indeed poopy in their toilet. Since it is unknown whether the poopy is there or not, we must assume, according to quantum physics, that the poopy is both there and not there at the same time.