Neil deGrasse Tyson

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Neil deGrasse Tyson
Ndt portrait.jpg
Neil deGrasse Tyson, seen here groping the moon
Born (1958-10-05) October 5, 1958 (age 61)
New York, New York
Nationality Rationalian
Occupation CinemaSins, but for space

“I became an astrophysicist because I didn't believe in the boundaries of space, time, or consent.”

– Neil deGrasse Tyson

Neil deGrasse Tyson (born October 5, 1958) is a prolific nitpicker of movies and TV shows, making him the world smartest space prick. He also dabbles in astrophysics and science education from time to time, with mixed results. When Tyson is not staring at the night sky criticizing certain stars for being insufficiently luminous, he gives unsolicited advice to authors and screenwriters, to make sure their stories about flying magic superheroes are more scientifically accurate.

As a science communicator, Tyson attempts to promote scientific literacy by raising a giant litter of insufferable nerds on a steady diet of Jaden Smith-esque aphorisms. He succeeds only in turning the appreciation of the universe into yet another signifier of intellectual and moral superiority, a commodity to decorate the otherwise empty interior lives of alienated dweebs.

Early life[edit]

Neil deGrasse Tyson is the son of a reddit comment thread and the Wikipedia article on List of common misconceptions. Before becoming the smarmy astrophysicist we all know and are aware of, Tyson was an average high school nerd, except he was also a total beefcake and was therefore not stuffed inside cafeteria trash bins where he could ruminate in deep shame.


Tyson hosts Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, a PBS show in which he zips through space to yell at aliens for not being real. He is also director of the Hayden Planetarium, which means he gets to decide what the planets look like. If he is the only black scientist you can think of, you are 100% confirmed racist. Aside from his social media and television presence, Tyson is also a prolific author, having written numerous books about astronauts farting themselves into lunar orbit, a plot trope commonly found within works of science fiction.

Personal life[edit]


Neil deGrasse Tyson's abiding mission is to make sure when you stare up at the night sky, you feel an instant, throbbing orgasm at the thought of correcting someone's grammar online. Like many public intellectuals, Tyson is an atheist: having faced the somewhat mundane realization that God is not real, he endeavored to never develop his worldview beyond that starting point.

Sexual assault allegations[edit]

Neil deGrasse Tyson was accused of three separate incidents of sexual misconduct. On December 1, 2018, Tyson posted a Facebook response to the allegations, in which he proffered specific, intricately detailed explanations for each one of the accusations. This was accepted as incontrovertible proof of his guilt, because who else does that shit, and he was sentenced and imprisoned a day later.

Tyson attempted to appeal his conviction, arguing that since electrons repel each other, atoms (and by extension, probing fingers) don't technically touch at all, but only hover at distances too infinitesimally small to humanly comprehend. Tyson's appeal was denied, and he was later dunked headfirst into a trashcan by rapper Immortal Technique.

He is now in the same facility which holds Kevin Spacey and Woody Allen, entrancing the two other predators with tales of the cosmos.

See also[edit]