Neil deGrasse Tyson
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 Neil deGrasse Tyson, seen here groping the moon | |
| Born | |
| Nationality | Rationalian |
| Occupation | CinemaSins, but for space |
Neil deGrasse Tyson (born October 5, 1958) is a professional astrophysicist and nitpicker of movies and TV shows. He also dabbles in science outreach, entertainment and education. Tyson is Director of the Hayden Planetarium, a prestigious sounding job which mostly involves calling the projector repair guy twice a month. He also hosts the podcast StarTalk, with his co-host, the Sun: his guests include celebrities and other astrophysicists, all of whom must agree with whatever NDT says, lest the Sun burn them to a crisp.
When Tyson is not criticizing certain stars for being insufficiently luminous, he gives unsolicited critiques to authors and screenwriters so that their stories about flying magic superheroes are more scientifically accurate.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Neil deGrasse Tyson is the son of a reddit comment thread and the Wikipedia article on List of common misconceptions. NDT was born with a telescope in his right hand, and a fully-grown mustache.
Career[edit | edit source]
Tyson hosts Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, a PBS show in which he zips through space to yell at aliens for not being real. As director of the Hayden Planetarium, he gets to decide what the planets look like. If he is the only black scientist you can think of, you are 100% confirmed racist. Aside from his social media and television presence, he is also a prolific author, having written numerous books about astronauts farting themselves into lunar orbit, a plot trope commonly found within works of science fiction.
Feud with Terrence Howard[edit | edit source]
During an episode of the Joe Rogan Experience, actor Terrence Howard challenged Tyson to a boxing match, over his belittlement of Howard's innovative new theories on the nature of reality. Howard had previously sent Tyson a lengthy thesis laying out a new model of mathematics based on sacred geometry, called Terryology. Tyson responded by stamping a big, red F on Howard's paper, while stating that Don Cheadle was a far superior actor.
Tyson declined to participate in the fight, due to his sciatica. Despite NDT's lack of participation, Howard staged the fight anyway, shadowboxing the absent NDT in an empty boxing ring inside Caesar's Palace, allthewhile claiming he was fighting an alternate universe version of NDT interdimensionally. In a unanimous decision, Terrence Howard was declared the winner: while neither fighter landed any punches, Howard threw the most of them.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
Views[edit | edit source]
Like many public intellectuals, Tyson is an atheist, which means that he looks out at the night sky—not in humble awe at the beauty of our God's creation—but only in the smug assurance that there is nothing to see but a godless, empty void populated with the faint glimmers of dead stars.
Sexual misconduct allegations[edit | edit source]
“I became an astrophysicist because I didn’t believe in the boundaries of space, time, or consent.”
– Neil deGrasse Tyson, according to allegers
Neil deGrasse Tyson was accused of separate incidents of sexual misconduct, one involving an inappropriate handshake, another of inappropriate comments, and the other of going full Bill Cosby. On December 1, 2018, he posted a Facebook response to the allegations, in which Tyson argued that since electrons repel each other, atoms (and by extension, probing fingers) don't technically touch at all, but only hover at distances too infinitesimally small to humanly comprehend.
Following an investigation by the International Astronomical Union, NDT was cleared of all charges except those of being too touchy-feely, and all his TV shows and income were restored to him twofold.
