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November 1: International Destroy Tokyo Day

  • 1136 - Tokyo found destroyed. General consensus is that a wizard did it.
  • 1952 - As part of the weapons program Operation Ivy, the U.S. successfully detonates a 10 megaton hydrogen bomb in Eniwetok atoll, located in the Marshall Islands. Most historians regard this as Godzilla's birthday. Godzilla celebrates it every year by attempting to destroy Tokyo, or, if Tokyo is under attack from another monster, by saving Tokyo.
  • 1953 - Mothra hatches from an egg, destroys Tokyo.
  • 1965 - Birthday of Gamera. Gamera gets his ass handed to him before he can destroy Tokyo by Godzilla. Since Tokyo was not in any immediate danger, Godzilla destroys Tokyo.
  • 1967 - Cookie Monster born, then destroys Tokyo.

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November 2: All Soul Food Day

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Bad things are bad!

November 3: Unsubtle Allegory for Authoritarianism Day

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Red states voted for Bush while blue states voted for Hussein. People in Yellow states threw their votes away by voting for Ross Perot.

November 4: Artificial Limb Awareness Diurnal Period

  • 200 - Oedipus: One Bad Mothafucka released by Mythic Records, goes triple platinum.
  • 1600 and something - Descartes decides the mind is separate from the body, through logical reasoning and skeptical doubt.
  • 2001 - God wins Mega-Ball lottery. Fix suspected.
  • 2009 - List of people who steal lists is stolen.
  • 2012 - Mexicans win gold, silver, and bronze in Olympic Lawn-mowing.

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Uh oh... Government go boom.

November 5: Remember, remember, the fifth of November: Explode The Government Day (Britain)

  • 1605 - The Parliament building fails to explode.
  • 1854 - Anonymous inventor skinned while testing early hydraulic barber chair.
  • 1900 - Despite widespread panic and rumors in proposition, Big Ben doesn't explode, but the Prime Minister does.
  • 1984 - Despite the Brotherhood's efforts, Big Brother is not wounded in a suicide bombing. Lets thank him for increasing our chocolate to 20 grams!
  • 1987 - Margaret Thatcher's imminent Silent But Deadly reaches critical mass and explodes in her intestine.
  • 2022 - Some guy wearing a mask in London blows some shit up, rioting doesn't ensue (it's England NOT France)

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November 6: Rickroll Day

  • 1962 - Rick Astley born (homosexual).
  • 1987 - Astley robs a bank and finds himself involved in hopeless gunfight, but vows never to give up. Has idea for song.
  • 2007 - the first recorded Rickroll amuses internet uses for 15-20 minutes.
  • 2010 - the last recorded Rickroll, performed by your dad.
  • 2020 - Kids these days. Don't even know what a Rickroll is.

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You should always appreciate a leaf blower that does a good job.

November 7: Blowjob Appreciation Day, Canada

  • 1876 - Gay Canadians invent ice hockey to eliminate the possibility of teeth complicating fellatio.
  • 1962 - JFK ends Cuban Missile Crisis by having CIA agents perform blowjobs on everyone.
  • 1977 - Linda Lovelace given Freedom of Canada, but is made to do something unspeakable to the airport security.
  • 1995 - Quebec "no" in referendum largely attributed to English speakers' blowjob skills.
  • 1999 - President Bill Clinton, a native-born Canadian, celebrates his favorite Canadian holiday. Republicans feel left out.

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November 8: Erectional Pleasure Day

  • 1000000 BC - On the plains of Africa, the Australopithecus encounters an eerie black monolith, and for the first time in history, stands erect. Moments later, with "Also sprach Zarathustra" blaring in the background, the Australopithecus realizes his hands are now free, and begins to experiment with tool use. If you know what I mean.
  • 1173 - The leaning tower of Pisa gives the first sign of its famous erectile dysfunction problem.
  • 1653 - Taj Mahal, "Man's greatest erection for a woman" built in India.
  • 1889 - Eiffel Tower erected, giving pleasure to all Parisians. Rioting ensues
  • 1901 - Washington Monument erected as a reminder to all american men that their penis is more important than diplomacy

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November 9: NWS Day (UK), NSW Day (Wales), NSFW Day (Pornovia)

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Talk funny, I do not

November 10: Like Yoda, Talk You Should Day

  • 1927 - Lenin accidentally ordered to execute 10,000 Russian oligarchs imitating master Yoda with the words "Execute, do not, forgive"
  • 1962 - President John F. Kennedy says "The Moon, we choose to go, because it is easy not, but because hard it is."
  • 1967 - Mick Jagger states, "To meet you, pleased I am. Guess my name, hope you I."
  • 1998 - President Bill Clinton states "Sexual relations with that woman, I had not"
  • 1998 - Britney Spears sings "One more time baby, hit me you shall."
  • 2005 - Kanye West declares "Care about black people, George Bush does not."

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Beware the Red Warmongering Llama!

November 11: First World War Appreciation Day (Commonwealth States)

  • 1911 - After four bloody years of battle, the first World War finally comes to an end on November 11, 1911 at twelve minutes past eleven o'clock. FDR took too long in signing the papers and spoiled the symmetry.
  • 1914 - Archduke Franz Ferdinand is assassinated in Bosnia. His final words were: "I know I won't be leaving here (with you)." While people are still wondering what the hell he meant,War is declared against France.
  • 1914 12:15pm - France surrenders.
  • 1918, 13:51pm - France claims its total surrender was a tactical ploy to draw the enemy onto thier battlefield of choice.
  • 1918, 13:52pm - Whole world laughs at France for being undeniable pussies.

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One way to assure Lightning Awareness is to be struck by it

November 12: Lightning Awareness Day

  • 1513 - In one of his lesser known works, "Mein Scheisskampf", Martin Luther claims to have gotten into a battle with the devil, flinging his "Scheisse" as a weapon. No shit.
  • 1620 - A number of pirates shipwreck on a gigantic rock off the Massachusetts coast. In a measure to combat cannibalism amongst the surviving members, the Mayflower Compact is signed. In the end, however, nine are eaten with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
  • 1775 - American Revolutionary War: The Continental Congress passes a resolution creating two battalions of mimes, later renamed the United States Mime Corps. They are primarily used as human shields.
  • 1880 - Ned Kelly is hanged in Australia for beating around the bush.
  • 1996 - The Paris Hilton opens for its first customer.

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Dutch duck.jpg

November 13: Quack Like a Duck Day

  • 7573 BC - Hermes and Aphrodite have a lovely bouncing boy, Hermaphroditus.
  • 832 - Saint Anselm is permabanned from the Vatican for setting fire to the Pope.
  • 1972 - Mediocre Britain votes on whether to join the European Community, turnout low, result 6-4.
  • 1978 - While starring in an open air production of Shakespeare's Henry V, Sir John Gielgud is carried off by a hunting kingfisher. He is found unharmed some hours later, having tricked the bird into incubating his egg-like head.
  • 1990 - The first webcomic is launched, entitled Two Sarcastic Badgers and Some Clipart.

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It takes a brobdingnagian word to describe a brobdingnagian face.

November 14: Brobdingnagian word day. Jokes That Don't Make Sense Day in Albanina.

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Iguanas have feelings too

November 15: Awareness in Iguanas Awareness Day

  • 1491 - Christopher Columbus arrives at the New World, only to be told that he is a year early.
  • 1533 - Francisco Pizarro arrives in Cuzco, Peru. He notices that the iguanas have unusually piercing stares.
  • 1683 - War undoubtably raged somewhere in Eastern, Western, Northern, or Southern Europe.
  • 1941 - SS chief Heinrich Himmler orders the arrest and deportation to concentration camps of all homosexuals in Germany. The German Army, once the most fashionable in the world, soon find themselves poorly groomed and wearing fatigues that clash with their boots.
  • 2001 - Microsoft releases the Xbox. The most popular game is Hi/Lo, a first person cooking game starring a cyborg known only as the "Master Chef". Set in a futuristic spaceship and challenging the player to serve up meals for an entire ship, sometimes using alien cooking implements, the game is regarded as a classic in the "First Person Cooker" genre.

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I will eat your soullllllllll.... soulllllllllllll..... soulllllllllll.... MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

November 16: Feast of Saint Bukkake (Japan)

  • 1776 - American Revolutionary War: Hessian mercenaries capture Fort Washington from the Patriots. Startled revolutionaries say, "what the fuck is a Hessian"?
  • 1915 - Albert Einstein solves the problem of Uncyclopedia's many inconsistencies and contradictions, which scientists had been trying to solve for centuries. His theory states that in fact space-time is inconsistent, and Uncyclopedia simply follows a geodesic line through it.
  • 1960 - Clark Gable passes away. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
  • 2001 Elmo (pictured) goes on a killing spree, attacking and consuming 23 children attending a Sesame Street convention.
  • 2005 - The annual banquet the Feast of Saint Bukkake was cut short after the star of the feast declared "I'm full"!

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An icelandic swan dresses up as Bjork to celebrate Bjorksmas

November 17: International Celebrate Things That Happened On This Day in the Past Day; Bjorksmas (Iceland).

  • 1796 - Napoleonic Wars: Battle of Arcole - French forces defeat the Austrians in Italy. Despite the victory, French forces surrender 15 minute later, citing "force of habit".
  • 1863 - Siege of Knoxville begins: Confederate forces place Johnny Knoxville under siege; Steve-O manages to escape in a daring skateboard stunt.
  • 1871 - The NRA is granted a charter by the state of New York, they celebrate by accidentally shooting people.
  • 1970 - Douglas Engelbart receives the patent for the first computer mouse. The revolutionary invention will allow men to search for porn with only one hand.
  • 2003 - Arnold Schwarzenegger is inaugurated Governor of California, announces that he intends to cut the state's deficit, improve education, and find a woman named "Sarah Connor".

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Prior to the famous apple-shooting incident, William Tell actually had thirteen other children.

November 18: Constantly Hum the William Tell Overture Day, World Kool-Aid Day

  • 1307 - William Tell (pictured) shoots an apple off his son's head. What they don't tell in the history books is that before this day, Tell had thirteen other children.
  • 1626 - Due to an unfortunate typo, St. Peter's Basilica is accidentally desecrated instead of consecrated.
  • 1978 - Jonestown incident: In Guyana, Jim Jones leads his People's Temple cult in a mass murder-suicide that claims 918 lives, leading Kool-Aid to revoke their sponsorship of Jones.
  • 2001 - The Nintendo GameCube was released. It sells considerably better than the Nintendo Hypercube, which requires users to push buttons in four dimensions.
  • 2009 - Spongebob Square pants attempts to try on round pants. The resulting wedgie places him in a 2 month long coma.

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Instead of potatoes!

November 19: Buy the Turkey Stuffing Day

  • 2500 BC - Pharaoh Whahuti invents the phrase 'thank you' and requests the phrase to be planted on every garbage can.
  • 461 - St. Hilarius becomes Pope. Ironically, his pontificate turns out to be only mildly amusing.
  • 1605 - Puritans get food from Native Americans, then drive them away and take their land in traditional American fashion.
  • 1716 - Sir Isaac Newton coins the phrase 'Thanks a lot!'. Unfortunately, it gets no recognition among trash men. Seconds later, he coins the phrase 'What a prick."
  • 1942 - Stalingrad: Soviet Union forces under General Zhukov launch the Operation Uranus counterattacks, turning the tide of the battle in the USSR's favor. Stalin radios for information and asks him, "How's Uranus doing?"

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November 20: Sophia Day

  • 10,000 BC - Sophia, the Greek Goddess of Wisdom, invents boobs, which are like an ass, but on the front this time.
  • 500 BC - Greeks invent philosophy, made from the words "philos" meaning love, and "sofia", which means Sophia Loren.
  • 403 - The Hagia Sohpia, known for its majestic curves and giant stonking domes, is completed in Constantinople.
  • 1917 - World War I: Battle of Cambrai: The Allies make surprise attack on the German Trenches, a young Adolf Hitler is caught jerking off to pictures of sheep at the barracks.
  • 1970 - Sophia Loren wins the Academy Award for Best Actress For Life, for a candid home video which was mistakenly submitted to the Academy.

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Is it cannibalism if a couch potato eats crisps?

November 21: International Couch Potato Day

  • 1783 - Oprah and Shoobily Boobily ze French Guy had the first untethered hot balls flight.
  • 1847 - The Great Irish Potato Famine reduces the number of Couch Potatoes in Scotland and Ireland by 25%. Tragically, this results in a global Deep-fried Mars Bar recession.
  • 1877 - Thomas Edison announced his invention of the pornograph.
  • 1963 - Lee Harvey Oswald gets laid for the last time.
  • 1996 - Couch Potato Day is established to encourage nations to collectively sit on their asses watching pointless programs at the same time. Scheduled programs for this day included 100 Ways to Watch Paint Dry, and 20 Things You Didn't Know About Carpet.

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Peaceful demonstration or failed invasion from space?

November 22: Conspiracy Theory Appreciation Day (not celebrated for some reason)

  • 1812 - Puzzle potato officially refound. Citizens everywhere rejoice.
  • 1963 - Absolutely nothing happened. You hear me? Nothing. If you heard otherwise, it's a filthy Communist lie.
  • 1968 - Stanley Kubrick begins secret filming of the moon landing.
  • 1983 - Largest tinfoil hat maker in the US is shut down - just as as a record number of "communications satellites" are sent into orbit by NASA.
  • 1997 - INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence debuts his hit single "Noose Sensation".

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The sweet taste of victory.

November 23: Official Lucky Glass Golf Trophy Meets Blonde Girl Who Wins At Golf Day

  • 0 - Creation of glass.
  • 1871 - Creation of GOLF (Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden).
  • 1337 - Creation of 'Lucky Glass Golf Trophy'.
  • 1987 - Creation of 'Blonde Girl Who Wins At Golf'.
  • 2006 - Presentation ceremony.

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November 24: Pete Best's Birthday (UK)

The remaining Beatles slowly step away from Pete Best.
  • 1941 - Pete Best is kicked out of mother's womb. Mother auditions George Best as possible replacement in the family.
  • 1955 - Learns to play drums. Snares, bass and drumsticks go off and socialize with one another, leaving Best out.
  • 1962 - George stares icily at Best during a performance; Paul kicks his drum set during rehearsal; John hires Epstein solely to fire Best.
  • 1962 - Best kicked out of the Beatles, house, and UK. Elizabeth II says her kingdom "wants to go in a new direction."
  • 1970 - John, Paul, George and Ringo join Best in the "Ex-Beatles" group.
  • 2012 - Best celebrates 50th anniversary of Love Me Do release.

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'Till the going down of the sun...

November 25: Feel Vague Anxiety Whilst Examining A Tattoo You Got On A Drunken Impulse Day

  • 1622 - The toasted sandwich is invented in a joint venture by the Earl of Sandwich and the Duke of Toast.
  • 1901 - Ernst Schrödinger, inventor of the Uncertainty Principle, was born on this day. Or was he?
  • 1997 - Princess Diana dies in car crash after driver is distracted by the 'I love Charlie' on her right buttock.
  • 2006 - Europeans give thanks for the farsighted move of kicking Ayn Rand off their continent.
  • 2006 - Rush Limbaugh suffers great embarrassment after an assistant leaks information about his secret tattoo depicting two men engaging in immoral acts.

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Part of the ongoing War on Abstinence

November 26: Abstinence Rejection Day

  • 1800 - Chastity belts effectiveness called into question when inquisitive mind finds 'back way'.
  • 1818 - The Republic of Bulimia declares its independence from Spain, rejecting abstinence in favour of a Binge and Purge policy.
  • 1971 - Devout Christian Jim Morrison dies a virgin.
  • 2005 - Avowed abstinence practitioner Britney Spears gives birth through immaculate conception.
  • 2009 - Chastity belts are outlawed and replaced with Chastity lasers.

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It's the Alan Bean-ie Baby!

November 27: Alan Bean celebration day (the 4th man on the moon)

  • 1969 - Alan Bean walks on the moon, saying, "This is one stall smep for man, ah fuck!"
  • 1970 - Mrs Bean notices husband is still not back yet, sets up trust fund.
  • 1985 - Alan Bean shoots the Challenger out of the sky.
  • 1989 - Mutated version of Alan Bean killed by Russian Cosmonauts.

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November 28: Panic Day/Tell-someone-you-know-you-had-sex-with-someone-they-don't day


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Wait wasn't he in Leg Batman?

November 29: The Serious and Respected Professional Art of Magic Day

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"You've been blocked!"

November 30: Vandalize Wikipedia Day!

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