Wehrmacht

Heer Wehrmacht
The War Ensign flag used to represent the Wehrmacht. God these bozos liked red and black...
Motto	"Ich bin schuwl"
Founded	1935
Disbanded	Take a wild guess
Headquarters	Destroyed by the Red Army
Leadership
Commander-in-Chief	The Big H
Expenditures
Budget	Not enough

Back then these guys would probably make anyone piss themselves when you looked at them. Nowadays they just look stupid.

The Wehrmacht (lit: Armed forces) was the term used to describe the combined armed forces of Germany during the second world war. Perhaps in an attempt to redefine Germany under his rule, making it look like a country of even bigger nerds, Hitler had changed the name of Germany's combined armed forces from The Heer (lit: Army, how creative,) which is a name that's is only as equally stupid. The Wehrmacht at it's height had at least 18,000,000 in manpower. And when I say manpower, I mean man power.

Origin

After the First World War, Germany was in the shit in essentially every way possible, forced to pay heavy war reparations to the Entente, neuter their entire army and get rid of their air force (Luftwaffe). To say the German military was in a sorry state of affairs would be a slight understatement, and they didn't even start the war.

After his ascent to the position of Chancellor, Adolf Hitler saw the state the army was in and wanted to rebuild it from the ground up in order to take over the world better keep the peace in the unstable continent of Europe at the time. He re-introduced conscription laws (which coincided with the name change,) started to rearm them with guns, tanks, started the reconstruction of the Luftwaffe, annexed Austria, re-militarized the Rhine, and the rest is quite literally history.

Personnel and Recruitment

Recruitment propaganda for volunteers for the Wehrmacht, while unorthodox, were surprisingly effective

Recruitment for the Wehrmacht was done via volunteering to join, or by conscription, however one of these methods were used far more than the other, with 1.3 million being drafted and 2.4 million "volunteering" in the period over the four year period before the second world war. A large problem with the Wehrmacht's recruitment methods was the fact that most soldiers drafted had absolutely zero combat experience, lived with their parent's well into their 30's, and smelled like the most hellish mixture of Gorgonzola cheese and the wafting musk of sweaty balls. This problem was expedited by the recent Spanish Civil War where the Wehrmacht soldiers could get some actual combat experience, but it didn't change the fact most of them were sweaty, unwashed, pasty-faced nerds.

By the time of it's dissolution in 1945, the Wehrmacht had about 18 million troops in manpower. Among that 18 million was a very diverse group of people, from the young, to the old, those who just want to fight for Germany, the mentally ill that thought the Nazi ideology was good and would grow to rule the world (that group was alarmingly large) to actual children. To seldom surprise, the Nazis had got so desperate for men near the end of the war, they had to begun to conscript children, most around their mid teens, some straight out of the womb. Damn Nazis.

Women in the Wehrmacht

In another world, this scene of Wehrmacht conscript inspection would be much more sexually tense, and probably have a village people song playing in the background

Because Hitler was a true alpha male and believed women were stupid and dumb, women were not allowed to serve in the Wehrmacht as combatants. Some were in auxiliary roles, like medical and signal companies, but few women wanted to volunteer, mostly because of how everyone in the Wehrmacht browsed 4chan at least once a day. And honestly, would you want to fight side by side with virgins that big?

Command Structure

Legally, since Hitler was dictator supreme of Germany, he held all authority over command of the Wehrmacht troops. However he was largely incompetent at commanding them. Mostly because Hitler was more concerned with doing other things, so most of his generals and Field Marshals had to do the heavy lifting in planning offensives. A typical day for a field marshal was receiving plans from Hitler, confidently saying, "Yes my fuhrer, it will be done!" then promptly burning the plans from Hitler and doing your own thing. This was largely because Hitler was a godawful strategist, making a corpse in a pinstripe suit look like Hannibal when comparing the two's basic knowledge on the art of war and strategy. This also led to the soldiers under a general or field officer growing more respecting of them than their authoritarian dictator that ruled over them oppressively and with an iron fist.

Towards the end of the war, many generals and their armies started to desert from the Wehrmacht due to low morale, lack of supply, or they gained some common sense and realized that they were both A: Fighting for a crazy dictator with a stupid mustache and B: They were going to lose the war. Some notable leaders in the Wehrmacht include

• Erwin Rommel
• Felix Steiner
• Gerd von Rundstedt
• Karl Dönitz
• Oscar the Grouch
• Heinrich Himmler (although his position in the Wehrmacht was similar to Hitler's)
• Pepsi man

Branches

Army

Ok, not going to lie, some of these guys had moves.

The German Army was one of the first on Hitler's priority list to expand for taking over the world. It further used concepts from the first world war, like tanks, use of motorized and mechanized divisions, tanks, combined use of the air force and ground troops, tanks, civilians as human shields, bending the barrel of a gun to try to shoot at different angles like a goddamn Tom and Jerry cartoon, tanks, and the use of domestic meth for combat advantages. The Heer divisions of the Wehrmacht, aside from the prestigious Ghost Divisions lead by Erwin Rommel and Sturmtruppen (Stormtroopers), served mostly as cannon fodder and the stomping grounds for the Nazi's hellish human experimentation attempts, like aforementioned methamphetamine use.

Made up of mostly young men (with the exception of officers) the Heer was the main fighting force of the Wehrmacht, most well know for it's blitzkrieg into France, the invasion of The Soviet Union, and the invasion of Norway. Soldiers from the Heer were deployed on almost all fronts of the war, either as German invasion units, or as "volunteers" for other countries, most notably in the African front alongside Italian troops, which is commonly regarded as hell on earth, being in the hottest place on earth and forced to fight the British and French while the only people that have your back is the goddamn Italians. Wehrmacht soldiers were also deployed in Finland for the Soviet-Finnish continuation war. While not able to beat the Russian hordes, the German army did give one Finnish ski soldier the time of his life.

While well known for it's mobility, armor, and sheer firepower, few realize that the Tiger II was capable of some sick tricks

The most famous detachments of the Heer were no doubt the legendary Panzer Divisions. Mostly lead by Erwin Rommel due to his knowledge on tank warfare and organization ability, Panzers were able to take ground in battles and coordinate offensives with a near supernatural level of efficiency and organization. The source of this ability to coordinate and conquer was that every Panzer came equipped with a radio for communication, something almost unheard of when the blitzkrieg started. A less well known feature of Wehrmacht Panzers was the inclusion of an inflatable sex doll with every Panzer deployed, making sure the horny 18 year old's keep it in their pants, and out of each other.

Luftwaffle Waffe

An incredibly handy visual metaphor for the state of the Luftwaffe post World War One

The Luftwaffe (not the be confused with the ride sharing service "Lyft" or the Belgian cuisine of similar name) Was the designated air force of Germany, and by far the most heavily cucked post World War one. As per the treaty of Versailles, Germany was forced to disband it's air force entirely, leaving it with nothing but open topped, unreliable, yet shockingly nice looking biplanes. Forgetting a certain man that excelled in use of said aeroplanes, the Wehrmacht quickly began to design more modern, closed canopy fighters and bombers, most notably the Stuka dive bomber, that could rain hell upon unsuspecting, cowardly Frenchman at twice the efficiency as any other modern close air support.

The Luftwaffe was headed by another Nazi, Herman Goering, who was said to be so fat, by the end of the war they had to make a plane that didn't lose altitude or have huge dents every time he flew it.

Kriegsmarine

The Kriegsmarine (lit; Navy) was the main naval force of Germany. Headed by Karl Dönitz the Kriegsmarine's primary purpose was to wage unrestricted submarine warfare on allied supply ships, but it eventually evolved into unrestricted submarine against pretty much anything that moved. Aside from this, and the Bismarck, the Kriegsmarine is most famous for losing a battle against itself, and not much else after it got sunk by the British.

Relationship with the Waffen SS

Because Hitler was an aforementioned mad man that had very little business running a country, he allowed another raving mad man (Himmler) to recruit foreign divisions into their own separate army (mostly used to oppress minorities Hitler didn't like,) thus creating the Waffen SS.

Initially, the Wehrmacht's relation with the SS was of disdain, with generals commonly remarking about the more distasteful aspects of the SS, one common complaints being about the intimidating dress of SS officers, being simplified into a now widely used pop culture phrase, "Why skulls?" Later after the occupation of the Netherlands and Belgium, recruitment of foreign SS divisions by Heinrich Himmler created controversy in the ranks of the Wehrmacht, however relations soon tempered after the soldiers did some activities that can make even Greeks and Turks (sometimes) bond like brothers: War Crimes. Mutual masturbation war-crime committing between the SS and the Wehrmacht quickly brought the two closer than ever, and while the officers at the top still hated each other, at least the common foot soldiers wouldn't conspire with Himmler to overthrow the government so he could make some sort of Aryan spartan state in an alternate universe cold war and try to end the world via false fire nuclear attacks. Why the hell was that in the script?

Decline and Dissolution

Luftwaffe head and noted nazi Herman Goering, being crossed examined at the Nuremberg Trials, looking incredibly confused as to why he was brought here of all places for lunch.

Like all far-right military groups, the Wehrmacht was not long for this world, and much like all far-right military groups, it was destroyed by those damn, dirty, liberals. As the Red Army marched on to Berlin, most high ranking Nazi leadership in the Wehrmacht and SS came to their senses and decided to get the hell out of dodge or off themselves, including Big daddy H himself, and his insane sidekick with an uncomfortably similar name. During the Battle of Berlin, the minuscule 12th army (in a bid most likely to catch good boy points with the allies) attempted to evacuate the weakened 9th army and some civilians, with some success. Most of the Wehrmacht High Command was tried at the town of Nuremberg, below is a brief assessment of those officers and notable Nazi party members tried and their punishments:

• Karl Dönitz: Tried for the ordering of unrestricted submarine warfare and found guilty of war crimes and crimes against humanity. Sentenced to ten years in prison. His sentence would've been harsher had the united states not been guilty of the same crime, proving that it's never a war crime as long as you win.
• Hermann Goering: Tried and found guilty of participating in war crimes, and crimes against humanity. Offed himself before he could be brought to justice.
• Heinrich Himmler Never got tried. Went on the run and killed himself before he could be brought to justice. Seeing a pattern here?
• Rudolf Hess Hitler's Deputy Fuhrer, and general dope. Was imprisoned by British officials after flying to Scotland and trying to broker peace with the British. Honestly deserves his own article. Found innocent of accusations of warcrimes and crimes against humanity, but was found guilty of crimes against peace. Sentenced to life imprisonment and killed himself in 1987.
• Albert Speer Architect and Minister of war of the reich. Ultimately found responsible for the use of slave labor in occupied territories. Found guilty of crimes against humanity and warcrimes. Expressed Repentance. Sentenced to- 20 YEARS?!?! Wait a fucking second, you send Hess to prison for life, but Speer, the guy who made people actual fucking slaves, gets 20 years because he said he was sorry?!!?!? He got released too, he served his entire sentence and died in 1981. What the fuck.