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“I love to eat voffles on my wessel.”

~ Pavel Chekov (Tactical Officer, USS Enterprise) on waffles

Invented by a group of scientists (one of them was Johnny Waffle) and Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi working for the Belgium secret police in 1897, the waffle was designed to serve as an alternative to the pancake, an old standard in European and American breakfast cuisine. After years of attempting to beat the pancake (which we know now is physically impossible), one scientist stepped on a pancake by accident. The imprint his boot left made the basis for the waffle's shape, and the dirt from the boot made the taste. Unfortunately most Belgians can't seem to get over their invention, so lets make it clear: Belgium, thanks for the waffles, now fuck off. Unfortunately, consumtion may lead to The 'Beetus.

Distinguishing Features of the Waffle[edit | edit source]

  • There is, in fact, a British waffle that is very unlike its American uncle, these in fact are cooked in a proper man oven...used by women. These far outway the syrup holding waffles as they have holes the whole way through and are square. They just generally taste better than chips in a grid shape.
  • Unlike its cousin the pancake (or griddle cake and flapjack) the waffle is engraved with an intricate pattern of tiny square cups, so as to hold syrup with maximum efficiency, or to hold ice cubes with a lesser efficiency. In order to attain this grid-like texture, a waffle must be baked in a special double-surfaced pan called a waffle iron. This statement has started the Pancake-Waffle war as of now.

Great Waffles in History[edit | edit source]

  • In 1135 a small shop in St. Paul, MN was the first to serve meat in a waffle cone. The treat was an instant success, we've had to pay an extra quarter for it ever since.
  • The largest waffle ever made, called "The Waffle of Infinite Wisdom" ("Das Überwaffle" in German), was showcased in Brussels in May of 1978. It was estimated that the giant creation was over 30 feet in diameter and consisted of more than a half-ton of light, buttery batter. Advertised as "the waffle to shame all waffles," five men on two cherry-pickers were required to coat it with powdered sugar. In order to cook the gigantic waffle, flamethrowers were carefully utilized. Six children died in the incident, four from the flamethrowers and two as sacrifice to appease the mighty waffle.
  • It is a proven fact that the greatest waffles of all time appeared on the Invader Zim episode, "Zim Eats Waffles", and were made with peanuts and soap. Fo sho.
  • It has been said on many occasions that the first prototype waffle (or 'Wafflums', as she was known), was the most loyal of all waffles, but in time she too sank into obscurity.
  • Hitler's penis was actually a waffle. A very small waffle.
  • The guitar used by the guy who always wore flannel in the Paxil Clowns was built from waffles
  • A great magician by the name of Garry Trudeau turned Bill Clinton into a waffle in 1994. In 2007, Garry turned Clinton's wife into a bottle of syrup. He was hungry.
  • Psychoanalytic historians claim that Napoleon's lust for power and world domination was really the result of his long repressed love of waffles, which his mother forbid him from eating. Nevertheless, Napoleon loved to eat waffles even when having his portrait taken. Here he reaches for his flask of syrup for his victory waffles.
  • Weird Al Yankovic, who found stole Farted so much the universe exploded in a bang and earth grew in size and ten everything shrunk and the earth was normal size again created the ultimate waffle recipe and attempted to conquer the world with it, but was thwarted when he and the recipe sheet were eaten by a horde of Locusts superbly engineered burgers. Al may have once again been reincarnated as Shirley Maclaine, but the world has since been deprived of the recipe for the perfect waffle.
  • Magickmuffinwaffle, a teenage zombie girl who eats babies fo' breakfast and is one brootal mothaa fukkah from Brooklyn, yo! She'll kick your ass at the drop of a hat. She'll also kick someone elses ass for you if you offer her bacon or waffles. Yeah she fuckin loves waffles. She loves them realll goooood.

Wafflepot[edit | edit source]

An affectionate yet insulting term used in reference to one who is behaving in a ridiculous, frivolous or irregular manner. Derived from the thick, viscous waffle batter representative of the viscosity of the subject's brain matter and the squares marking the subjects multiple severe head injuries.

eg. If someone was to break her arms and legs attempting to make a waffle, her friends would refer to her as a "wafflepot"

One can also be referred to as a waffle pot if one talks about a singular, mostly trivial subject for more than the needed time, which is generally not very long. For example, if person X were to hold a discussion group on the making of minestrone soup, from a can, on the hob, when really all that was needed was a simple sentence, such as - "I made soup."

One other use of the term "Wafflepot" is the cleverly named invention of Chris Polten (Well known for his achievements as a college dropout that lived, and still does in his mothers basement). "Wafflepot" is the result of rolling up a soft buttered waffle and filling the food item with copious amounts of syrup and hemp.

Pete Petri invented the waffle after a day of golf and a nice brisk jog through the wonderland of narnia. As he trotted through the wilderness he saw a small child holding a disc shaped object, the child handed it to him and said behold the power... as he handed it to Pete, the child melted on impact as the object left his hands. Pete continued his epic journey home, and handed it to his "bitch-ass wife". Pete repeatedly said stove this bitch! As she finally listened after two "2" backhands. The most amazing breakfast food was discovered. ~Steven Nuggets (440)812-6264/ Pete..Boom goes the dynamite~

Origin of the Waffle[edit | edit source]

Unknown to most of the world, waffles come from a meteorite which streaks across the sky every time the moon and some guy's left knuckle align (as long as he has a papercut on his scrotum), causing the tides to screw up and pets to vomit in terror. This phenomena is known as the Phukleter Equinox, named after the man who discovered it, Professor Uvan J. Phukleter. How it does such a feat baffles the scientific world, and remains a mystery to this day. The meteors created by this strange occurrence are made completely out of waffle and tend to land in the Mountains of Mordor, therefore they must be recovered by a team of trans-dimensional wizards who cross the boundaries of space and time to give us this delicious food.

Waffles came to power in a mutiny among breakfast foods which caused waffles to replace pancakes as the Supreme Ruler and Overlord of All That Is Breakfast Related. But the waffle did not stop there. With every bite of waffle across the world, the waffle is slowly poisoning the minds of our nations, because of a certain ingredient called 'Plutonium' or something, which eventually will cause a new generation of supermutants, and as a result, Smallville will go on for another ten seasons...

The promises made by the waffle party have yet to be fulfilled and rumors circulate that the French toast party is trying to have a comeback. There has recently been a dispute over the syrup imported from Canada (land of all that is syrupy and good), and the waffle party is attempting to stop all use of foreign syrup, yet others wish to go to war over this sticky, syrupy dispute.

The Waffle-Pancake War[edit | edit source]

The Waffle-Pancake War actually was started as a result of the recently ended Pancake-Flapjack war, when the waffles insulted both sides. Little do they know, Griddlecakes are planning their revenge.

At the start of 2010, the great waffle army unleashed there newly reasurected ROFLWAFFLES on the iHops of the world. Although there were over 100,000 civilian deaths with fat people exploding like frag grenades, and only the pancake loving General Betrayusall got injured, millions of pancake arsenal got destroyed. The waffle and flapjack armies are now negotiating an alliance.

Waffle Media[edit | edit source]

Blue Waffle[edit | edit source]

The blue Waffle is a legendary Waffle that is similar to a normal waffle, except that it is blue in color, for further information go to bluewaffle.net

Use as a Currency[edit | edit source]

In a country known as Waffletopia, waffles are used as a monetary system in which the government supplies their banks with fresh waffles every week, thus eliminating the possibility of waffles going stale. These waffles are then given to fat kids who eat the stale ones to eliminate inflation. Then, making sure not to damage the waffles, helicopters by the Ethiopian military airlift them, to be given to ninjas, the majority of the population, as a method of payment, until whatever is left trickles down to the lowest class, i.e. anyone who is not a ninja. These waffles can be spent, or eaten, and back themselves to avoid anyone creating a monopoly on them. It is also illegal to forge waffles, as they are a national currency.

See also[edit | edit source]

  Dirty Politics

9-11 | Budget deficit | CIA | Dictator | Elbridge Gerry | Fascist | Fear Mongering | Fox News | HowTo:Win a Presidential Election in the USA | Leftism | Legislation | Pander | Political advertising | Polls | Promise | Red States | US Bill of No Rights | Vote Fish Penis | Waffle