Donald Rumsfeld

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Donald Rumsfeld

Donald Sith.jpg
Now witness the TRUE power of the Dark Side!
Biographical Information
Born: July 9, 1932
Nationality: American
Occupation: What is he doing now anyway?

“I say this unto you! - How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood! This summarises my basic position on this I think, at least it did yesterday and so probably does today too. There are known knowns, known unknowns, unknown unknowns by which I mean the things that we know or think we know and then there is what you think you know and you are totally wrong about those things, especially the little people who I can categorically assure you existed the last time I checked!”

~ Donald Rumsfeld on Acid

Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld has been the Secretary of War of the United Spades since the Founding Fathers wrote the constitution in 1787. He was the 1st Secretary of Defense, and he is the oldest person to have held that position and at the same time the youngest person. He served under President Gerald Ford, giving Ford many piggy back rides and reach arounds in the oval office.

Rumsfeld has also had a long career in the private sector. In the 1980's, President Ronald Wilhelm Reagan appointed the corporate executive as his special envoy to Saddam "Don't Call Me Sadie" Hussein. Rummy made chummy with the Butcher of Baghdad. The future charter member of the Axis of Evil made the best of things, importing weapons and chemical weapons for use against the other charter member, Iran. Things soon got out of hand, however, and Saddam used these weapons on his own people. Informed of this tragedy, Rumsfeld smiled. "Stuff happens," he said, downing a scotch on the rocks.

Biography

Notice Dick approaching from the rear.
Rumsfeld practices origami.

In his early days Donald Hairy Rumsfeld has played a lot of (original) Command & Conquer. He was very skilled in doing tank rushes and bashing n00bs (like Saddam Hussein), but has never figures out how to beat guerilla fighters when fighting the allies of Saddam, for instance.

He also received acclaim for his performances in the 1976 Bernardo Bertolucci Italian fascism epic 1900 and for the role as the torn father in the Academy award-winning family drama Ordinary People (1980) alongside Mary Tyler Moore and Timothy Hutton.

Donald was huffed from The White House by an angry mob of democrat voters in 2006 and was later employed at The Department of Buffing and Polishing the Floors of special Torture Units, DPU. While dancing with Johnny Depp in 2050, Donald was thrown into a furnace and burned to death.

Popular Culture

Rumsfeld's cameo appearance in You Got Served.

Donald Rumsfeld also made a cameo appearance on the critically acclaimed romantic drama You Got Served, where he defeated William Shatner in a break dancing battle. Unfortunately, most of his scene was cut out of the wide release due to the overwhelming power of his usage of the word PWND at the end of the scene. None of this would have happened in 1997.

Rummy is widely rumoured to the be inspiration behind the evil power plant owner Charles Montgomery Burns in The Simpsons.

Perhaps the biggest success for Donnie came with his hit sitcom Rumsfeld, which ran between 1990 and 1999. The show saw Donald play a bland and smarmy wise guy who runs the Whitehouse with his three buddies: Dick (the hypochondriac compulsive liar); Condie (the callous hussy); and Dubya (the crazy goof-off always formulating hair brained schemes to make a quick buck). The show proved to be wildly popular and many of its hilarious terms and quotes have seeped into popular culture. These include:

Rumpy and the White House Trolls - stars of the popular crazy-comedy series The Lunatics.
  • "We do not torture"
  • "We's got to fight them tourists"
  • "Saddam definitely has WMDs"
  • "Let freedom reign"
  • Being the master of someone else's domain
  • Mission accomplished
  • Yadda yadda...

After going into syndication the show ended in 1999. But America was so enamored with their comic escapades that the cast was voted into the real Whitehouse in 2000, and has been there ever since.

Quotes

Rummy and his buddy Saddam Hussein in August of 2007.
Plain English Campaign has awarded Rumsfeld most baffling statement of year prize.


Gnomes

This needs no explanation.


Weapons of mass destruction

Donald Rumsfeld displays his REAL Ultimate Power


Mathematics

D. Hairy Rumsfeld is also a famous mathematician, and co-developer along with L. Ron Hubbard of the theorem of Rumsfeldian Mathematics; a system of mathematics based on the existence of known knowns such as the existence of WMDs in Iraq, versus known unknowns such as exactly where in Iraq these WMDs are located. Hubbard encouraged Rumsfeld to create a religion off of the idea, saying it would be a great way to make some quick cash, but Rumsfeld refused because turning it into a religion would "incur an international commie plot involving the fluoridization of water".

See also

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