Old Mother Hubbard
Warning: Scientology (and all information about scientology) is considered by L. Ron Hubbard to be a vector for transmission of serious diseases including pneumonia and cockroach bites. Do not read this page unless you have achieved the proper Thetan Level. Reading this article before you are ready could lead to death.
“I thought he had superhuman powers but then i read a Key Stage 3 science book, and knew he was full of shit.”
“To be honest, he was a bit of a piss midget.”
“Fuck L Ron Hubbard and fuck all his clones”
“Oh? He made up a bullshit cult? Well, all I did was fuck him in the ass. I made a point of not being around when he was talking.”
LaFlatulence Ron Hubbard (alternitavely spelt stupid cunt who worships someprick xenu) who is the name of a galactic atheist baker who inadvertently discovered the amusing inner secrets of self-over-medication and mental retardation defectiveness insanity super-powers. He has served sushi in all of the military forces in the known universe. He has fought and single-handedly won all major battles in the last 15 thousand years, using an e-meter to amplify his awesome powers, his greatest kill was that of the great monster Chilmbaunghilnush which destroyed the earth. This was all embellished onto a piece of Army notepaper found when hubbard once worked as a waterboy for the United States army. This subsequently led to him being mistaken for a human being and recruited.
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Childhood[edit | edit source]
HUBBARD is a pervert as you can tell by one of his poems: Old mother hubbard went to the cubbard to fetch her poor dog a bone when she bent over the dog took over, for the dog had a bone of its own!
In his childhood, Hubbard was a special child, as was described by a group of drifters whom he frequented with. It was at this time that he invented the e-meter when he broke his tickle-me-elmo, and upon receiving psychedelia from eclectic shocks, decided that with the following formula, which is of course, entirely falsifiable, that he could CURE YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN SOUL!
As a child, he formed a group called the Rub-a-Dub-Dub Club which was a super, non-homosexual, entirely heterosexual, and completely straight organization which operated along the coast of Ickstein, (an island near Cuba, inhabited by a race of large nosed,thick-haired, money-hungry people). There, the Rub-a-Dubbers would engage in hours upon hours of wonderful gay secks. However, this did not make them homosexuals, for they only partook in straight gay secks. This was a well known breeding ground for Theton, a rare breed of salmon which were captured and used as fuel to Hubbard's unstoppable sex machine, and the sump pump to Leah Remini's ass. It is here where Hubbard wrote many science fiction books that nobody read, influenced by happenings in his "life". When Hubbard's plan had gone down the toilet, and he was down to his last granola bar on the streets of Istanbul, he was struck by a revelation: If one were to expand upon the model currently implemented by Christian religions of money-fueled fanaticism, while removing any shred of meaning or good-will from that already corrupt model, one could become a unimaginably rich, brainless, ass-fucking lunatic on par with Kahlil Gibran or George W. Bush. Already being two of these things, Hubbard set out on a journey to first drop a magical ring in a large volcano, and then bring this hunger-induced, complete sank-off fantasy to reality. This is widely acknowledged to be the invention of scientology, although no one without the proper Thetan count (read: sane) actually cares. Such famous actors as Tom Cruise and John Travolta are both smart enough to have found savior in this ingeniously retarded religion.
Military Career[edit | edit source]
After gaining a wealth of nautical knowledge through playing with tiny rubber ships in his bathtub, whilst simultaneously fornicating with Tom Cruise in a super-gay (although utterly heterosexual) way, Hubbard's prowess as a naval captain was noticed straight away by the US Navy Seahorses - An elite band of arse-raping Hello Sailor types, whom he immediately became the super-commander-master of. He was initially sent on a fishing vessel christened "The Scurvy Thetan", but after several failed attempts at catching the great whale, Leah Remini with surplus thetan torpedos, Hubbard was demoted to the position of semen on the Love Boat. He was caught wanking off to pictures of Oprah and Tom "Sofa Shafter" Cruise in the future.
After his removal from the navy, L Ron was bitter over his resignation, and used his superpowers to impregnate all the women in the navy with only 3 fish and two loaves of Wonder-Bread. After ticking the "no" to the question "Are you a mentalist man who practices black magic, has sex in front of his children, fiddles with the kids, writes incoherent dogshit science fiction novels which will later be masturbated over by John Travolta in the back of a 3 litre sedan in a Best buy parking garage?" he began to learn the art of war with much enthusiasm. Unfortunately, the art of war was a supplementary class drawing cadavers; Hubbard received U grades in virtually every course he was enrolled in, but, reading them upside down, he naturally thought they must have been A grades, and wrote letters to all his friends saying he was not a retard after all.
Astonishing music career[edit | edit source]
Old Mother Hubbard was L Ron Hubbard's stage name when he was the headlining act in a Drag-Queen revue bar in Soho, London, England called "Willy Wanka's Shit Stained Penis". He starred on stage there for four years singing songs like "I'm your Venus" (Bananarama Cover), "My Arse Will Go On" (Celine Dion Cover), "I'm Too Sexy for My Thetans" (Right Fucked Fred Cover), "The theme tune to E.T. (Extra Testicle) and his ultimate encore song "I'm an Arse-Fucked Cowboy" (Sung to the tune of Rhinestone Cowboy) which he dedicated to Tom Cruise, with whom he starred in and won an Oscar for best supported cod-piece in "Brokeback Volcano".
L Ron was revealed as a major fraudster when one of the she-male entourage who traveled the globe with him on his "One Thetan Enchanted Evening" tour, put his/her hand up his skirt and discovered he was not a drag-queen but was simply a fucking ugly woman with a fucking giant ugly minge that was so pliable that it could swallow R2-D2, a great white shark and the empire state building in one movement earning him the guiness book of world records top prize for having/being the world's biggest cunt.
Not many people know that, during his time as a singer he received many accolades and actually wrote material that he considered to be crap and threw it on the pavement, which was then scooped up by The Rolling Stones, The Beatles and many other modern bands. His musical début with a major record label, "Front Group Productions" saw him creating his first album, and subsequently performing at several major venues throughout the world, including on top of an elephants back and atop the Andes.
The first song he performed live was a self-written piece named "The Freewinds of change", which was dedicated to the african tribes he often listened to amongst billions of other albums, and was performed with a sequence of farts produced from his mouth, which was also reported to be involved in producing shit. After the high success of his debut single, he decided to perform an Elvis cover named "Fleabag hotel" which was exclusively dedicated to the Fort Harrison hotel. Unfortunately, after a long and prosperous career with both his solo act and his derivative band, "L Ronny and the SP's" he decided to retire due to increasing pressures from the Thetan Times to interview him, which he felt distracted from his art.
He later did a comeback tour, which was aptly titled "The Bullshit Tour", which was touted to be a Sex Pistols homage but unfortunately was a performance tour in which L Ron read out his life story
L Ron received the "Bjorn Borg Racket" the highest accolade of the Swedish Navy when he allowed the entire crew of S.S. Abba to do the Fernando in his ass. L Ron discovered the real meaning of "give me, give me, give me a man after midnight".
L Ron nowadays can be found lying in his open grave wearing full Goth she male make-up and Martha Stewart's best dress. His scientolgist followers queue day and night to get their chance to squat over his corpse's face and pass wind, as they believe those toxic fumes will accelerate his resurrection as well as keeping thetans from invading him. Unfortunately some follow through and are forced to either lick up the mess they have made or the pay the Cult of Scientology $300,000.
It has been said that Plankton is less gullible than L Ron's followers although this clearly is a major insult to Plankton.
L Ron has also been responsible for crop circles, mutilated cattle, anally probed farmers and various other heinous backwater crimes usually attributed to either alien teenagers joy-riding in their parent's flying saucers or red-neck hillbillies with a chemistry set.
L Ron's biggest contribution to modern life was inventing Scientology after reading the diarrhea stains he left in the toilet one morning after a stupendously hot vindaloo the night before, this of course led to scientologists who on L Ron's birthday lick vindaloo stains from their own toilets to commemorate the discovery of the shit they believe. L Ron however does not want to be associated with Tom "Evil Cockgoblin" Cruise as he is not a true scientologist but rather a Thetan infested , sofa fetishist.
L Ron ; The Tennis Instructor[edit | edit source]
L Ron was once the Tennis Instructor of the now infamous Jerry Sandusky. Often times, after a heavy, sweaty workout they would hold Roman Baths and drink Perrier with just a thin slice of lime, more often than not one could hear "Muskrat Love" playing in a loop while they lounged. Hubs was known far and wide for the invention of the "Backhand Reacharound[[1]]" and taught this skill to his young Padawan Learner. After decades of service in the Harrisburg/Paterno Branch of NAMBLA, Uncle Jerry soared in his legendary achievement of corn-holing record numbers of young "Jedi" by convincing them they were also Young Padawan Learners, even though most of them are clerks at Safeway now. Uncle Jerry was sent to the Molestation Project Force and now must nightly lick the Hubbard Corpse clean of the constant defecated matter, left on the corpse by devout Squirrel-Busters. It is said that Uncle Jerry "gives good tech".
As a war hero[edit | edit source]
Although his war records portray him as being a coward, a liar and a fat fucking wreck, the REAL records that were re-typed with a snazzy sea org logo on them tell the real story. One day, he was on his way home from curing cancer in his teens, when he was accosted by 300,000 men, or maybe no men, and fiercly held his ground with a dead cat he found during his black magic career. Remember, it can be 300,000, 540, -10 or 0, but figures or facts don't matter. We can change those without issue just in case he gets any gigs in the future.
So anyway, he destroyed these 300,000 men on the same day that cartoon characters became real, and immediately the Thundercats offered to recruit him into the navy and he accepted. Years later, he had been scammed of millions of cents, and vowed to get back at everyone for being scammed. But, apparently that kind of thing was never ever done by him so perhaps he got over it.
So anyway, he was now on a ship with loads of gays guys, and they were immediately at war, even though at the time there were no conflicts. In a fierce battle against a few hundred thousand soldiers, ron managed to use a handkerchief, 3 washers and 2 crayons to destroy the enemy armada and every soldier against them. Somehow that worked, and as a high honor by the navy, they gave him no reward at all because otherwise it'd just look stupid and be pointless to remark on it. So, everyone there swore a pact to make up a lie to say that L ron was a coward and useless if asked and to portray him as a huge cunt, so that you know, if enemies wanted to destroy their greatest weapon he would be like, secure and shit.
In the battle, however, he was so badly injured his head was actually dangling off his shoulders, all his bones were broken, and he had received an injury only he has ever had, in a rare bodypart known as "shatner's bassoon" which was nicknamed the "liar shot" because it was that rare, people often thought that he was lying about it. Again, it could be like - severe injuries sustained from war or like, you know, a blister or something but, come on.. that doesn't matter now does it?
After he had gained this extensively accomplished career, he began to perform medical tasks. As you may not know, many wounds sustained in naval battle involve fragments of shrapnel being lodged within the penis, and often a medical procedure is to suck the afflicted bodypart to retrieve the fragments. This was where L ron shone -- in only 3 weeks, he had rid the ship of these wounds, but insisted on continuing to get every last piece he could out of there. What a trooper.
When he left the navy, all crew aboard shouted "there goes one useless, fat, retarded, lying sack of shit" which was of course code that L ron had taught them which translated to - "what a delightfully intelligent, witty, and physically fit PhD holder". He decided that his powers were spent in the navy and began to write his book, "Diuretics: The modern silence of requiring help" which sold so many copies, it actually added inches to his dick, making it visible for the first time in several years.
Xenuhood[edit | edit source]
After the instant acceptance by the Hollywood Cabal the subsequent movie was unlike any seen before or since: Scientology.
Sadly, conceiving the most popular film ever made was impossible to top for this woman, and the rest of her life took a turn for the worse. The 5-year anniversary of the movie's release and the subsequent DVD release were used by her to grab her last 5 minutes of fame. I say 5 minutes, but actual time being in the air from the roof of the Chrysler building to the pavement is timed at just under 35 seconds.
During World War II, Fleet Captain Commodore Admiral Old Mother Hubbard joined the Nazi Luftwaffe and became an ace flyer of Focke-Wulf fighter planes developed by Greta Van Susteren, earning her the name Old Mother Focker.
L Ronnie and The SP's[edit | edit source]
L Ronnie and the SP's was a groundbreaking 1960's band which was founded by old Ron Motherfucker after his astonishing music career went from strength to strength. He met up with the first member of his band, Sue Presif Personne, a french student he met after he was having a 3 week session of masturbation in public which the french people mistook as fringe artistic expression. The spoogy ejaculate he created actually landed on the pages of a copy of dianetics used as public toilet paper which was then later used by David Miscarriage as the "New Era of Dianetics". Personne, who was then classed as the cognitive equivalent of a stillbirth joined the band along with her friend the drummer, Clam Bayke and the bass guitarist Yugata Bekkidin - a Japanese exchange student. This was the making of history, as they got together some weeks later and made their first record, they immediately signed up with "Fair Game Studios", a local production company who gave the album the new technical edge over competition.
Their first single, which got them to the number 1 spot was called "Sailor boy, what are your crimes?" which featured a 3 minute guitar solo from Hubbard who learnt to play the guitar 10 seconds before he was due to record the single. There was some controversy with the single as when it was played backwards, it played a message which resembled a secret recording of Hubbard during his early days, confessing his love for McDonalds and drinking cups of cooking oil.
Nevertheless, the band released another single - "I'm gonna brainwash that man right out of my hair" which had lesser success, before releasing their debut album, "L Ronnie and the SP's" and the later album "Fraud". Despite their success, however - there were many personal issues between band members. When the band used to tour on stage, they would request that air conditioning producing the equivalent of mach 5 be pointed directly at Ron to prevent him from passing out after 3 seconds of exercise. It was a common quirk that Ron would also bathe in aftershave to mask the smell of his fraud-bullshit combo, which was a knockout at the time.
The band officially split up in 1975, and the remainder of the band have since been interviewed, reflecting badly on Ron, saying that he would often have problems with self control and had to go into rehab several times after overdosing on hamburgers. He had tried to kick the habit beforehand but had unfortunately failed. They also highlighted his bizarre requirements for pre-gig psych-ups which would often include the slaughter of baby animals, dancing around a fire, calling Baphomet long distance and asking for advice, or simply taking gigantic quantities of psych drugs.
The band got together after his death, with a commemorative event. Unfortunately, due to bad concert planning, the dancefloor was positioned over his grave with the on-site toilets being positioned directly over his open coffin. The result was that the population of earth actually attended to take part in such an important event. To cash in on the event, it was renamed on the fly to "Good Riddance to bad rubbish" and a VHS was made, along with memorabilia which has been the single most profitable product range ever made - so much that each product was actually sold for 3 quadrilarks, a new currency made to handle the stress of it's extreme demand.
Titbits of factual information[edit | edit source]
- He is actually the the owner of the trademarks to the terms "Gigantic cunt", "fat fucking liar", "retarded asshole" and "Barbara Streissand".
- He once decided his logic was itching, so he destroyed it.
- One day he decided that he would make some cult that scammed money from hundreds and thousands of people, aid in facilitating the death of several members, break several laws and destroy families, and act like a clingy bitch, but then he wrote a letter saying "Nah" which constitutes a complete revocation of this idea.
- He actually founded a club known as the "Sea Orgasm" which was once 1976's most popular sailor hangout.
- Davy Miss Cabbage[[2]] made a cash grab in the days following Hubs crucifixion at Calvary. Miss Cabbage now reigns in the Kingdom of Xenu and thereby has become the Penile Resurrection of Old Mother Hubbard.
- When he was out on the town one day, some guy called Xenu fucked him in the ass and destroyed his prostate. Exhilarated, Hubbard began to get clingy and called Xenu up, but he wasn't game as he had been involved with some guy called Tommy D. L ron that day decided to get back at Xenu and said he'd write about him being evil.
- L Ron told a lot of wild stories about having a longer penis than Milton Berle, even though in girth, Berle had him trounced. This was posthumously proven to be fiction. The entire member fits snugly into the mouth of WonderMidget Miscavige.
- Xenu retaliated by appearing on Oprah and plugged his new book - "Ron: Shut the fuck up" which sold more copies than Diuretics.
- L Ron has been dug out of his grave, had the faeces removed from his skin and is preparing to appear as the next scientology spokesperson.
- He once had a fight with Mike Rinder after he sold his homies some bad crack.
- Marty Rathbun's Brownie Recipe was proven by the use of Tech to be more delicious and gooey than the original Recipe Of Hubbard. Miss Cabbage was reputed to be very displeased and removed all evidence of Rathbun having ever been in the Great Hubbard Kitchen.
- The cheese from under L Ron's balls is a 'starter' for the Sourdough loaves served aboard "The Fartwinds".
Discography[edit | edit source]
- "I sing just for youuuu" (1967)
- "Give me all of your Thetans" (1968)
- "The Freewinds of change" with the B-side "You get the Asbestos of me" (1970)
- "Blue Asbestos" (1971)
- "L Ronnie and the SP's" (1972)
- "Your love is a psych drug" (1986)
- "Requiem for Ophrah's credibility" (2004)
- "Paint Me, Dikembe" (1996)
