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So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here...

May 1: Labor Day, The Real One Not The Garbage One in September (World)

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From the lovin' to the oven yeah you know what I'm bakin'

May 2: Bacon Appreciation Day (U.S.)

  • 4M BC - Bacon first cooked in Sumatra after a sounder of boar, their bellies sliced thin by a pack of cassowaries, fall into an active volcano.
  • 1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded maypoles.
  • 1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
  • 1936 - God declares linear progression of time boring and introduces imaginary time instead.
  • 1942 - Mick Jaggert is born and immediately finds he can't get no satisfaction, oh no no.
  • 1985 - Leg warmers officially registered "unfashionable" by United Nations, but what do they know.
  • 1986 - Coke debuts its "New Coke", in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
  • 2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following a trade embargo imposed by the U.N Council for Fresh Air.

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May 3: Fungal Infection Awareness Day

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May 4: "May the Schwartz Be With You" Day

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This pun smellier than the chicken my stupid sister left in the pantry.

May 5: Cinco de Mayonnaise (Mexico)

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♫Me Undies♫ ♫Me Undies♫ ♫No more sweaty balls♫

May 6: No Pants Day

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May 7: International Daintiness Day

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"Arf arf arf" "Shut up hair"

May 8: National Bad Hair Day (Estonia)

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"You're going down, "Touch Tits" Malone!" *yodels*

May 9: Unusual Bears Day (Arctic)

  • 1628 - Edict passes in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodeling. (Pictured)
  • 1671 - Pope Clement X is captured by the Queen's Guard while on a visit to England, being mistaken for that guy who stole the crown jewels in a pope costume.
  • 1861 - At the age of seven, Oscar Wilde begins his first job, working as a Witticist's Apprentice in a local Humor Emporium.
  • 1919 - Radical suffragettes burn down factory that makes posters comparing suffragettes to smelly dish rags, constabulary cries, "A step too far, ladies!"
  • 1934 - Anteaters formally name themselves the Aardvark, seeking the lucrative first spot in taxonomy classifications.
  • 1945 - The Americans celebrate single handedly defeating all of Nazi Germany, no thanks rest of the world.
  • 1991 - Small and Medium file a complaint with the U.N. against Large, who claims, "Size does matter".

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It is said by ancient Vedic scholars that the world is suspended on the molars of two hungry, hungry hippos, locked in permanent battle.

May 10: Step-Mothers-in-Law Day

  • 1497 - Amerigo Vespucci invents the trendy Vespa scooter, rides it across the Atlantic in search of idyllic cobblestone streets to glide across.
  • 1979 - The tiny Federated States of Micronesia is accidentally squashed by a hippo. (Pictured)
  • 1985 - Live Aid Concerts announced, starving Africans rejoice knowing that in twenty years time poverty will be eradicated.
  • 2004 - Cheap Christmas trees on sale spotted in IKEA.
  • 2006 - "National Step-Mothers-in-Law Day in the USA" organised by The Association for Most Ignored Relatives, founders of "National Younger Half-Brother Day", and "National Grandpa's-26-Year-Old-Girlfriend Day."
  • 2006 - Africa on a diet, pop stars have saved the world!
  • 2016 - Pokémon Sun and Moon comes out for the 3DS. Buy that shit nigga.
  • 2037 - Young MC turns 70, the irony threatens Earth's existence.

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Typical German interloper driving honest Italian scribes out of work.

May 11: Printers and Printer Accessories Day (California)

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Too many fat fingers...

May 12: Barry Manilow Day

  • 100 AD - Barry Manilow, immortal muse of all music, writes the very first song. Critics hate it, but what do they know.
  • 1877 - Oscar Wilde pens his poem Sonnet to Liberty, advocating socialism and decrying many contemporary fashion trends.
  • 1881 - In North Africa, Tunisia becomes a French protectorate, and thus enjoys its last noteworthy moment for nearly 100 years, until the filming of Star Wars there in 1977.
  • 1974 - Depressed mood ring commits suicide, says "I can't handle the pressure" in heartfelt note. (Pictured)
  • 1985 - The Book of the Dead is discovered by a 12 year old child in London and sold for three baseball cards and a Jefferson Starship cassette tape.
  • 2003 - Pocahontas sells her memoir "Hokey Pokey: Frolicking, Singing, and Doing a White Guy" to Disney, which is subsequently made into a popular children's movie.
  • 2004 - The corpse of Walter Cronkite rises from the grave to report on the Alabama tri-county kitten pageant.

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I'm eatin' your motha Jesus!

May 13: Nobody's Independence Day Day

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May 14: "Aren't Space Stations Just Spaceships That Can't Move?" Day (U.S.)

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May 15: Feast of St. Kielbasa (Poland)

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The perfect man doesn't exi-

May 16: New South Welsh Independence Day (Australia)

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Don't worry he's fine.

May 17: Day of the Exhausted Dog

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May 18: "We Can Eat Cows Today" Day (India)

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"I got that Wikia money, brah. You can smell but you can't touch pleb bitches." - Jimbo Wales

May 19: Shill Your Products on Wikipedia Day

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The Virgin Mary with a Virgin Mary

May 20: Visions of the Virgin Mary Day (South America).

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Welcome to Havana, Smoking Cubana's with Castro in cabanas

May 21: Appreciation Appreciation Day

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Aguirre monkey.gif

May 22: Sit Around and Watch Old Movies Day

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This stoat is about to be molested. Donate now at to stop this madness.

May 23: Stop the Stoat Molesting Night

  • 818 - The Force is disturbed for the first time. The Force puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign on her door.
  • 1783 - Due to a lack of women, American pioneers settle for stoats.
  • 1828 - Soap factory accident creates marshmallows.
  • 1829 - Marshmallow factory accident creates tupperware.
  • 1831 - Tupperware factory accident kills dozens of women and children.
  • 1913 - Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little.
  • 2006 - Hal 9000 starts an advice column for worried humanoids, fails miserably.
  • 2007 - President George W. Bush accidentally knocks over his ant farm and cries.

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No! they expect one of us in the wreckage brother.

May 24: Collective Bra Burning Day

  • 1431 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, "That's My Arc", officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
  • 1830 - Mary's Lamb (of nursery rhyme fame) is the perfect ingredient for my Great-Grandmother's pot roast.
  • 1917 - Protesting suffragette accidentally burns her brassiere trying to light up some citronella torches.
  • 1937 - Fred Astaire declares himself to be "bigger than Jesus", angry Christians throw their radio sets in a giant fire.
  • 1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Baba Ganoush finally finds Elton John's cheese grater.
  • 1998 - The Simpsons is cancelled, replaced by show with identical name, characters, and shitty writing.
  • 2016 - In his final act as President, Barack Obama bans Axe Body Spray, the only bi-partisan bill he's ever managed to pass.

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"Get thee behind me Bacon!"

May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)

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I'm whacky kids kooky doo I feel nothing

May 26: Wear Pants On Your Head Day

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More of an attempted murder but whatever.

May 27: National Homicide Day

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Why does God stay silent in the face of suffering?

May 28: Punctuation Awareness Day

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Thomas Jefferson [Colorized]

May 29: No Anniversary Day (U.S.)

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No jokes, only suffering.

May 30: Dead Soldiers Day (U.S.)

  • 24 AD - Titus Tuccius Perpenna of Gaul is stabbed to death by Parthians somewhere in the Levant desert. His back facing the sand, he watches the morning sky fade to black.
  • 1386 - Swiss mercenary Reto Birchmeier trips on a rock and is subsequently skewered by three Hapsburg Pikemen near the village of Hildisrieden. His wife Corinne remarries.
  • 1812 - Dobrosław Senk, a Polish Cavalryman in Napoleon's Grande Armée, dies of exposure. He is buried in a mass grave near Vilnius, Lithuania.
  • 1864 - Chinese rebel Wei Guanyu, an infantryman in the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom's army, is executed by Qin forces in the province of Guangdong. He is buried with an image of Christ in his clutched hands.
  • 1944 - Captain Shishkina Leonidovna of the 588th Night Bomber Regiment is shot down by German Anti-Aircraft guns near the city of Görlitz. She is posthumously awarded Hero of the Soviet Union.
  • 2016 - Pvt. Bill Galltrot steps on an old landmine in Kandahar Province. He later dies of septic shock, following complications during a surgery.

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Mmmm, pornflakes.

May 31: "Stop the Devil's Handshakes with a Bowlful of Cornflakes" Day

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