Rio de Janeiro

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Rio de Janeiro as seen from space.
Note: Rio is on the other side, so you'll not find it, in case you bothered to look for it
Note: Try looking harder.
Some of Rios hottest talent gearing up for the Carnival.
A carioca citizen takes his pet to pee.

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Google on Rio de Janeiro

“Her name is Rio, and she dances on the sand...”

~ Duran Duran on Rio

Hell de Janeiro (meaning River of Jane in Portuguese so called due to the early settlers' love of golden showers from the local prostitute Jane the giver), is the name of both Rio de Janeiro state and a city in south-eastern Brazil, very close to the Amazon Rainforest and Bahia. Commonly known as just Rio (particularly by Americans who don't know that several of its nearby cities are called "Rio-Something" as well), the city population is made up of shemales, thieves and jobless lazy shemales who are also thieves. The rest of this paragraph has been written by one of them. It is considered by many to be amongst the most beautiful cities in the world. It is famous for the hotel-lined tourist beaches Copacabana and Ipanema, for the giant gold-colleting statue of Jesus, known as Christ the Redemeer ('Cristo Redentor') atop the Corcovado mountain and the safe and cozy neighbourhoods atop other mountains, known as favelas. Many flock to the city for the annual carnival and "Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade" drunk street races. It is highly unique in the fact that it is the only place in the world where the mountains with the best view facing the ocean are not inhabited by the wealthy, but actually by masses of poor people tightly packed in favelas. Brazilian logic, however, is not meant to be either grasped or make sense at all. For more information on that, see this article. Or if you're a horny Brazilian and just want boobs, look here.

History[edit | edit source]

City archives depicting Jane the giver.

The area where Rio de Janeiro is now was reached in January of 1502 by Portuguese explorers in an expedition led by Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci who wrote in his captain's log that he didn't find anything useful in Brazil.

The actual city wasn't founded until March 1st, 1565, by Portuguese prostitute Jane de épocas boas, who called it Rio de Janeiro. It was frequently attacked by pirates and privateers, especially by then enemies of Portugal, such as the Netherlands and France. Ninjas however were always welcome and paid many visits to Jane’s establishments.

On June 6, 1761 the city was almost completely destroyed by fire after a pipe smoking contest got out of control. It is as a direct result of this devastating fire that the often thought bizarre law that pipe smoking is banned within city limits was put in place.

In the years 1780 to 1803, very little happened.

1832 saw the first public transport being introduced to the city. Initially restricted to the down-town area only, lengths of 3 foot wide smooth channels were dug into the streets within which luges would run. The luges were notorious for getting jammed and throwing all the passengers off, this was until someone had the idea of using the cities surplus lard to grease the channels.

In 1860, the favelas were cramping the style of the government, so the brazilian Minister of Corruption decided to discretly write on the constitution an article demanding that the capital should be moved to somewhere far, far away from poor people and, mostly, stray bullets. The president ratified, the people forgot to protest, and thus, Brasilia was built. Soon it and became the country's capital and biggest money-laundering center of the world. So the president problems were solved, but the stray bullets are still at large.

Cristo Redentor[edit | edit source]

Cristo Redentor, the famous Christ the Redeemer statue at the top of the Corcovado mountain
Cristo Redentor at night protecting the lives of many.

Cristo Redentor, commonly known as Christ the Redeemer is a 200ft statue of Jesus which stands atop the Corcovado Mountain casting a oniscient eye over the citizens of Niteroi --which is the city Christ the Redeemer's sad and homesick eyes are really set on, in order to convey the general "let's get the hell outta here" feeling that pertains to every carioca citizen.

The head and the hands of the statue were sculpted in France's countryside, in 1925, by a French hippy artist as parts of a deconstructivist statue of Jesus to be exposed at Louvre but the mail service mistankenly send them to Rio de Janeiro instead of Paris. When the Brazilian President George Washington Louis found those big hands and head on the city dump (which was at the backyards of the Government's House), he had the idea to use them in a big statue of Jesus. The statue was inaugurated in 1931 and since then Rio de Janeiro has some landmark, other than women's tits, women's butts and slums, with the advantage that pics of the big Jesus can be used by tourists as a post card to their little nephews while they`re trying desperately to bite something.

It addition to being a powerful marketing tool the statue has had several practical purposes over the years.

In 1941 after a series of horrific shipping accidents, that took the lives of hundreds of sailors, it was decided that the statue would double as a light house to warn ships of the treacherous and curvy shoreline. The proud citizens of Rio demanded that whatever work was done to the statue was in keeping with its original image and purpose. It was therefore decided that bright beams of light should emanate from the statues eyes.

Small models of the Cristo Redentor statue are used by the prostitutes of Rio to advertise their services. The models are placed in the window of the prostitutes’ place of work and the eyes indicates their availability. When the eyes are unlit the prostitute is not working, when the eyes are flashing the prostitute is available for hire and when the eyes continuously lit, the prostitute is with a client. The system has proven to work well and does not lower the tone of the city.

From 1992 in order to comply with accessibility laws, audible notifications were added to the prostitutes statues so that blind clients could partake of their services without fear of bursting in on another punter. The statues are silent when the prostitute is not working, continuously shouting "The power of Christ compels you" when the prostitute is available for hire, and the statue starts playing the national anthem when she's just about to 'finish off' a client, and will be ready for you shortly. Rumours would also state that Jesus insist you pull his thumb. In January 2014, someone answered that call.

In 1938 during a period of immense surplus wealth within the Catholic Church, the statue was hollowed out and converted into a holy water storage and distribution point. Many pipelines emanate from under the base of the statue and using the force of gravity distributes holy water(cachaca)to the many alcoholic churches of Rio.

Entertainment[edit | edit source]

Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade 2005.

Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade

In late October the Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade is held and is a show case for the latest in Brazilian motor technology. The population of Rio swells as thousands of motoring fans flock to the city to enjoy spectacle that is Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade.


The carnival in Rio de Janeiro has many choices, including the famous 'Escolas de andar e da cair' parades in the sambódromo exhibition centre and the popular 'batalhas do carnival', where rival parades clash in almost every corner of the city.

Festivals and Award Ceremonies

Rio is also a popular location for some of the world’s most famous festivals and award ceremonies. The annual film festival is popular and in 2006 Rio is slated to host the prestigious Vegetable Photographer of the Year.


Rio is also famous for its big, fat rock concerts. The Rolling Stones, The Who, U2, Paul McCartney, Three caballeros, Ashlee Simpson and Inimigos da HP were some of the attractions of the famous "Putaria in Rio", a gigantic music festival which took place on Circo Voador ("Flying Circus"). Circo Voador is the home of the Monty Python's humorists. If you're on a lucky day, you can see John Cleese there, jogging and having some coconut water, while dodging bullets and avoiding pickpockets.

Politics[edit | edit source]

Sovereign Prince of Rio de Janeiro, Fausto Silva, aka "Faustão".

Rio de Janeiro has been governed as a constitutional monarchy since 1960, with the Sovereign Prince of Rio de Janeiro as head of state. The executive branch consists of a Minister of State (the head of government), who presides over a three-member Council of Government, also known as the "Council of Three". The Minister of State is a Brazilian citizen appointed by the Prince from among candidates proposed by the Brazilian Government.

The Council of Government consists of three of the princes most intelligent pets as ranked by the citizens of Rio in a bi-annual poll. Accusations have been levelled at the Prince that he has been attempting to influence the outcome by forcing his most loved pets to wear glasses in an attempt to make them appear more intelligent.

Council of Three[edit | edit source]

The currently elected council of three (they work for Rio's queen).

Oscar the wise - not to be confused with Oscar Wilde.
Barry the just.
Bobo the incontinent.

Sports[edit | edit source]

Everyone thinks that soccer is the only sport in Rio. And that isnt true, they also play footbal. Brazilian one.

Soccer is the REAL MEN'S brazilian Sport, and almost everyone that like it is sure straight (only people that like Fluminense are fags!). And if you dont like it, or if you prefer Ballet, go suck a fucking dick because that's what you sure love!

If you dont know a thing about it, we can help you to find your soccer team!

If you are drug dealear, black and poor you are FLAMENGO. If you loves losing games, your VASCO. If you dont like to cry a lot when you see your soccer team losing, but likes the hugs of your gay friends while losin the game you are FLUMINENSE. If you dont like the soccer and like to cry you are BOTAFOGO.

It is really important to play soccer well if you are in school, if you dont want to be bulled (because this means you are gay).

Liberals, White people and more faggotry[edit | edit source]

You'll be bulled except if you're rich, or eurofag/azn upper and middle middle class (eurofag/AZN since Brazil doesn't have a huge white trash population they addopt East Asians, Middle Easterners and fair-skinned beautiful mestizos as additional "white" people and except for the biggest Latin American bigots of all time i.e. conservative people from São Paulo and Souther states everyone could marry his or her children with these ethnic minorities with a big smile, isn't multiculturalism cute?), because Rio is pretty much the Brazilian equivalent of California (their annoying European-Portuguese-based accent are on films and television), and if spics and niggers there hate homosexuality to their most, brazilian westerners (if it is a possible combination of cultures) are pretty much hippy liberals who learn Marxist theory at school like good eurofags they are. Rio de Janeiro is, together with Buenos Aires, the South American capital of all forms of non-heterosexuality, atheism and feminism, and together with São Paulo (the most redneck megalopolis in Latin America ever, where you can see neonazis beating up mestizos, negroes and all kind of faggots who make part of the rich Brazilian biodiversity), the South American capital of Emo, Punk, Metal and other annoying musical genres plus weird batshit insane leftard ideologies like anarcho-pinko-faggotry, commie-pinko-faggotry and left-libetarianism (most Brazilians don't know how to differenciate them, including myself, and this is why our politics are pure shit... Most White Brazilians despite proud of the orgy in which they are submerged vote on homophobic and batshit insane religious right-wing except Flumenese people - hillbillies and suburbans of Rio de Janeiro state - and Cariocas).

That is, to everyone who is not a complete misinformed favelado (THEY will bully you if you won't look like a macho), Rio is simply a gay orgy, and people should be proud of that simply because it means that Rio de Janeiro is far, far, far more westerner than São Paulo. People can suffer bullying by sexism or homophobia much more in São Paulo than in Rio de Janeiro, the difference is equivalent of comparing Texas (another ultraconservative place full of latinos) to Commiefornia. Seriously.

And yes, eurofags, non-heterosexuals, atheists, liberals and all these people more civilizated and advanced than average Americans (some cariocas also feel intitled to be arrogant like Europeans, just ask any Brazilian from anywhere else than Rio de Janeiro) like soccer too. And they aren't sufficiently macho beaners (in the mind of westerner Brazilians, developed world is a pure faggotry - and it is, or do you think we don't know what Canada, East Coast, West Coast, Aussies, Japan and Western Europe are? -, only ignorant Latin Americans ever play "correct", or heterosexist, heteronormative, patriarchal and male chauvinist as they call, gender roles) to believe that intellectuality make someone less masculine than others. Or fucking with other dudes. Or prefering it to sports. It's so chic and enlightened! Oscar Wilde would be proud of them.

Go take a search (in Wikipedia, if you want to). Rio de Janeiro is the most atheist and the most liberal among Brazilian states in which middle class white people are the majority (Southern, Southeastern and Center-West regions). It's metropolis is a 13 million inhabited Bay Area (well, apart from Rio only Niterói and to some extent Maricá and Itaguaí-Costa Verde, towns with much less than 500.000 pop which in Brazil means little villages, don't suck huge and dirty, other places look like the worse metropolis in Africa). What do you expected?

2016 Olympic Games[edit | edit source]

  • After the election of Rio de Janeiro as the host city of the 2016 Games, the next Olympic Games will be disputed by these famous and a lot safer cities: Baghdad (Iraq), Tehran (Iran), Kabul (Afghanistan), Kandahar (Afghanistan), Beirut (Lebanon), Kuwait City (Kuwait), and Islamabad (Pakistan).
  • Some people claim that Rio was chosen to host the 2016 Olympic Games because the World is going to end in 2012 anyway [NOT REAL]...
  • The 2016 Olympic games are going to be the worst Olympics ever in history, surpassing Montreal because of their proposal to use the wrong stadium for ceremonies (a large toilet bowl instead of an also-large track stadium, the latter can be described as a proper Olympic Stadium.) Why? What is wrong with Rio? Can't even host the ceremonies in the friggin' Olympic Stadium? Everyone thinks the world is gonna end and the destruction is gonna be operated from London. Booty City will never host the Olympics in our lifetimes.

Districts[edit | edit source]

Urca[edit | edit source]

Urca is a district in Rio de Janeiro where NOTHING HAPPENS. There is a local newspaper, which has a fancy logo on the top half and nothing on the bottom half, except when something relatively earth-shattering happens, like a dog sneezing.

There is an army fortress in Urca, which leads denizens to think the district is perfectly safe - as if the army's going to leave the fortress to save you from being mugged. You can live inside the fortress if you have the money for it, which should come in handy when zombies eventually overrun the world.The Legend says that a lot of the objects found in those places are contamined by a enthuasiastic and misterious white powder, probably caused by a nearby hill habited by shady characters.

There is also a beach in Urca, where people try jogging but never make it without getting bored because they complete a full lap in thirty seconds. There's a guy, called "Cabo", who lives on the beach - he even built a wall around his "property" and is the proud owner of a german shepherd, named "Hulk" for a good reason. The water in the beach has caused the most interesting headline in Urca's newspaper: "Man grows mutated hand after diving on Urca Beach".

Barra da Tijuca[edit | edit source]

Barra da Tijuca, can be known as just for Barra, or for who resides here, Puta que pariu, is One of greateast districts in Rio. The wealthiest people of Brazil resides here, as well from Argentina, since there are only poor people with awkward hair and biggots.

Here is the place for tourists who are running low on money, believe me, if you don't have money come to Barra, we can take care of you with our hospitality, and kindness. Here you find the shopping mall, supermarket, real prostitute like your mom. The beaches of here are full of topless chicks, these chicks goes by difficults to brazilians, but to gringos they even give their ass to them. If you like assrape this is heaven for you.

Here goes a list for who resides barra:

Tijuca[edit | edit source]

Tijuca is known as Palestine, because you can get a bullet at your head as easy as that old chump at your side right now which is rubbing your genital parts, gonna have sex with you. To live in Tijuca, people need to buy kryptonite bulletproof vests, because the Kvelar doesn't help anymore, the Bad Guys now are armed with Bazzoka, lasers and Bazzoka with lasers. Planning to live here? Sure it's is cheap, but be sure to write a testimonial because your days are counting. Another peculiar thing is this district is the fact that tijuca is known in rio like a niggerhood, only black, negro, charcoal poeple , poarch-monkeys live here, so whatch out the people here pickpocket as fast as ninjas, and smells as bad as pirates.

Madureira[edit | edit source]

An exquisite neighborhood, is known as Little Paraguay, because of it's stores and people who hangs at this place. To be sincere there are Fuckable girls at this neighborhood, but don't insist, because if you do, they will want to get married against your own will, if you refuse to marry them, they get pregnant and tell the baby is yours... at the majority of the cases the babies are from others guys as known as Comedores(Polite people). This a neighborhood known for be the hometown of Steven Seagal, the house where he spent his childhood is still over there just waiting to be demolished to become a new shopping mall, or a strip club, which in this place there is a lot. The best strip club over there is named by a fruit in portuguese, the name is: Xereca do pai. a family place where broken old geezers goes with their sons just to have some fun in family.

Meier[edit | edit source]

Meier is the worst district in Rio. You can't find anything interesting there: beach, Bitch, Money, Drug, Assrape, etc... Meier is an old place, constructed by Lord Faustão - The Earl of Birmingham in the eighties. Is a nostalgic place beacuse is full of old people, some have even fought at the WWII, and plus to that the yougest are ugly as hell. There is no one Beautifull or handsome over there, so if you're a tourist and is visiting Rio do not listen to cab drivers, don't go to this place, just don't....

Centro[edit | edit source]

Centro A.K.A. Downtown, is an old district, full of poor people(Miserável), thieves(preto), Shemales(Ronaldo), all of them are looking for the same thing, your money, and your ass. If you are a tourist and don't want to miss a thing while in Rio, you can't miss Centro greatest Natural Digital Treasure, Central do Brasil, where fast trains, and adorable "ladies" hang out, just waiting for you to have some great time with them. Another place for a tourist where you can get real classy and expensive sex is a place called Praça Mauá, full of experienced girls and fags, just waiting to get banged by you. Another place for a gangbang in Centro is place called Carioca, there the gangbang is full of flying bullets and grenades, if you want to feel like you were in Gaza or Arizona you can't miss it too. But remeber always walk with a lot of money, and your limbs, because the brazilians are facinated for human organs so they can trafic them for some dope.

It is said that Chuck Norris has a summer house on Centro for some mind assraping teaching classes and practice, whenever the mood strikes.

Gavea[edit | edit source]

Gavea A.K.A BG, home of the soccer club "Flamengo", is a lawless and tiny residential district, where very little students of the nearby university(Fashion Rio) meets huge masses of jobless egomaniacs and drunken pseudo-intellectuals, for heavy drinking and some occasional fight-to-the-death over something related to prostitutes, dope, Flamengo, debts, soccer balls, ass, cents, Coke-Cola or something shady reported as "TIPO COLOMBIA"(colombian type). It also has one movie theather that for some strange reason it's called a shopping center.

P.S When going through this area make sure not to drive up the mountains! Ancient capoeira-drug-dealing monkeys can be easily found and are very moody, tricky and dangerous, they can fool you with some funky dance and some melhor do rio. Afterwards, you wake up in the forest without several organs while being escorted by blind-funk-dancing shemale midgets holding AK-47's heading towards what it is said to be some sort temple of a malicious stone god[1], of unknown intentions.

Copacabana[edit | edit source]

Copacabana is home to a swamp beach and some high-end hotels and restaurants. It's where old ladies go to live with their 13 cats, in one of 863 apartments available in each 32 story building.

With the largest concentration of too-tall-for-the-streets-width buildings anywhere, it is known as the only place on earth where vampires can go out in daytime,as the sunlight never gets near the ground.

Many consider it to be a magical place, as it is dark and crowded by a mob of zombie-like grandmas during the day and turns into a deserted prostitute women-infested venue for money exchanges at night, targeted to the more perverted culturally engaged foreigners.

See also[edit | edit source]

External links[edit | edit source]