Lincoln-Douglas Debates
The Lincoln-Douglas Debates were a series of seven debates held throughout the windswept steppes of Wenatchee during the Senate campaign of 1858. Unlike modern Senate campaigns in Illinois, the candidates were not an al Qaeda operative and a dude from Maryland. Like modern campaigns however the candidates were a corrupt Democrat from Chicago running against an inept Republican from downstate. The campaign also differed from today in that the average voter actually gave a rat's ass about the election. The candidates were James "Buster" Douglas, former World Heavy Weight Champion of Debating, and backwoods hick Abraham Lincoln. While Douglas won the election, the national attention would aid in Lincoln's bid for President two years later.
Location, location, location
The debates were held in the seven major college towns of Illinois: Bloomington, Charleston, Chicago, Dekalb, Macomb, Ottawa, and Urbana. The sites were selected for the proximity[1] of bars and hot coeds, politicians being politicians even in the 1850s.
The candidates
James "Buster" Douglas was the incumbent Senator from Chicago. His large frame and cauliflower ear were in sharp contrast to Lincoln's "fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down" looks and pre-NBA height. Douglas was a fiery speaker, and he had the support of Chicago's corrupt Daley political machine, not to mention the Mafia. Douglas's stance against slavery stemmed from the fact that he was a big black guy.[2]
Abraham Lincoln was born near Hodgenville, Kentucky, on February 12, 1809. A central figure of the Civil War, he is regarded by many historians and laymen as not only the foremost of our presidents but also the greatest American of all time. With scant formal education, from a poor family, this frontier lawyer held the nation together through the worst crisis in its history. A leader of weaker will or fainter vision might well have failed either to win the Civil War or end the institution of slavery. With good reason, he is viewed as the savior of the American union and "the great emancipator".
Lincoln was born into an obscure backwoods family who moved to Indiana when he was 7. His mother died two years later and his father married a widow, Sarah Bush Johnston, who exerted a good influence on the boy. Though his education was limited to a few months in a one-teacher school, Lincoln avidly read books such as the Bible, Pilgrim's Progress and Busty Babes of Washington.
Growing to a muscular 6'4", he supported himself by manual labor until he was 21, when he settled in New Salem, Illinois. There he continued his self-education while serving as storekeeper, militia captain in the Black Hawk War, and postmaster. He ran for the state legislature in 1832 but lost, two years later winning four terms and a reputation for both integrity and homespun wit.
The debates (transcript excerpts)
Douglas was a cunning linguist but Lincoln was a master debater. What follows is a dialogue taken from transcripts of the actual debates:
Charleston
L: A house divided against itself cannot stand. This nation cannot continue half-slave and half-free.
D: What about a duplex?
L: What?
D: A duplex. It's a house, but it's divided: two families live in separate parts of the house, yet it's all under one roof.
L: Your point?
D: You said a house divided against itself cannot stand.
L: It was an analogy.[3]
D: Actually, it was a simile – you didn't use "like" or "as". Well, maybe it's the other way around. I always forget. Anyway, it's stupid.
L: No, you're stupid!
D: No you are!
L: At least I'm not short!
D: Yeah, well, you are ugly. I mean honestly, if I had a dog that ugly I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
L: Your mom's ugly!
Moderator: Alright gentlemen, that's enough, this is a debate, not a childish argument!
D: He started it!
L: Nuh-uh! He did!
Urbana
D: I propose that all persons of African descent be sent back to Africa[4] – specifically to Freeport, Sierra Leone. There, I will be hailed as "Liberator and King"!
L: That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard! What if they don't want to go?
D: Did the Indians want to go? We made them![5]
L: So we should do the same thing to the black people? I mean haven't we done enough? I think you just want unlimited power. Is that why you're running for Senate?
D: I think they'll want to go. We can sell it as a vacation, and honestly, who wouldn't want me as King?
L: You're a real asshole, Douglas!
D: No, I'm the World Heavyweight Champion!
L: You're an idiot!
Macomb
Announcer: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! In the red corner, weighing in at 195 pounds, the railsplitter, the great emancipator, honest Abe Lincoln! And in the blue corner, weighing in at 265 pounds, the senator from the great state of Illinois, the self-described heavyweight champion of the world, James Buster Douglas!
D: You gonna bleed, sucka!
L: You may be a tree trunk of a man, but I'll build a cabin out of you!
See also
Footnotes
- ↑ non sequitur
- ↑ Big black guys tend to have a less than favorable opinion of slavery. Dis sayin'.
- ↑ Never mix a metaphor you can puree.
- ↑ The Freeport Doctrine was surprisingly popular, mostly because of racist assholes – Douglas won the election. Two years later Lincoln won the presidency. Another century and a half and it's still popular and here we are.
- ↑ Video on YouTube
- ↑ as in rail
- ↑ as in rage
