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- 28 - Jesus Christ comes home drunk at 3:45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house to get a job.
- 1568 - The forces of Mary, Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom–fighters.
- 1917 - Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there.
- 1992 - Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history.
- 2003 - Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba.
- 2005 - God sues eBay claiming that sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin at all. (Pictured)
- 2010 - Nuclear missiles are launched at Finland, smug bastards finally get what's coming to them.
- 2071 - I finally find my house keys.